Friday, June 11, 2010
"Life is made of moments, small pieces of silver amidst long stretches of tedium. It would be wonderful if they came to us unsummoned, but particularly in lives as busy as the ones most of us lead now, that won't happen. We have to teach ourselves now to live, really live...to love the journey, not the destination." ANNA QUINDLEN
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Dealing with the Hard Stuff
Do you have Hard Stuff in your life? Uh, duh! But what is hard? And is hard the same thing today as it was yesterday - Oh, and will tomorrow be harder? The topic for our May meeting was "Dealing with the Hard Stuff." There were some great pointers in it and wonderful questions that made you pause and think. I also loved, absolutely loved, the analogy that was used. Here it is, in random clips from the article:
"Envision {yourself} on the ocean, riding the waves of pain up and down, letting them wash over {you}, accepting the up and downs as part of a beautiful process...You're riding the waves and they just keep coming - the hard stuff, the good stuff, the hard stuff, the good stuff...storms are mediated by the beauty of a friendship unfolding between you and your child and the pride of seeing a unique individual emerge...Every day, every week, every year, each stage of motherhood brings new challenges - and new joys. Just like the waves on the ocean never stop but never last, the waves of joy and pain in motherhood just keep coming. Waves can get big and push us down to the point that we sometimes wonder if we can get back up. But when we keep our heads up, keep treading water with all the hope and love we can muster, and trust that there is peace on the other side of each storm, we make it through again and again, becoming stronger all the while...You can't become the strong and patient and knowledgeable mother you want to be or raise the resilient and wonderful children you dream of without the waves of trails and joy that stretch and grow you and bind hearts together." {Saren Loosli}
Is that not just beautiful!
I have had my fair share of hard days as a mother. I have been completely overwhelmed by tiny things and huge things. I have had days where I have been crying on the toilet, crying in the corner of the kitchen, and crying on my knees in prayer. I have had bad days. Now this is not to say that my children are awful, or my life is unbearable hard. They are great kids, and I live a really really good life. I have a dear friend {who's only daughter is a few days younger than my oldest -5} and she has to deal with the fact she most likely will out-live her daughter. My sister-in-law was only given 24 hours to share with her daughter, before her little girl was taken back to Heavenly Father. I have friends who have fought tooth and nail to adopt children, who have children that struggle with allergies and disabilities. My days are not filled with these problems, BUT, my days have their problems. So how do we as mothers deal with the "Hard Stuff"?
When we are really stressed out what do we do? Do we yell? Use an angry voice? Slam things around? Cry? Shut down, threaten to run away...RUN and pretend that we are running away? What do you do? I cry. I put my clogging shoes on and dance very angry-ly on my deck. I have an 'angry voice' {as my girls call it} and I use it well. Do I like that I do all this? No, not all of it. But you have to have an outlet. There has to be some way that I can deal with my anger and stress, yet in a positive manner that will portray to my children {and husband when the moment calls for it} that the actions that just took place are not okay, or were the last straw added to my aching back. So how do we get through those moments? How do we turn our anger into positive reinforcement? How do we find "Joy in the Journey" when the obstacles that line the pathway appear overwhelming?
I find that when I am battling with the physical projection of my frustrations, if I can sing a children's hymn {normally that is because they are short and to the point} I can refocus on how I want to handle the situation. Now, I do not stop everything going on around me, stand up on the table, and bellow out the verses; but they do run through my mind, tune and all. It calms me and focuses me. This was the question that I came to the group with last night. I wanted to know what other people do in the heat of the moment to keep from losing control. I did not get very many answers, maybe I did not state my question right, but there were a few good ideas. One lady said that she literally takes a breath. This might sound basic but I like it. I hold my breath and bit my lip, but maybe I should just stop and audibly breath. Make a nice loud draw-in and a calming woosh-out. Just doing it right here and now, relaxes my shoulders a bit. One lady said she says a prayer. I do this sort of, but I can not pray in the moment. I like to come to prayer with my thoughts in order and trust me when I am in the moment of a meltdown in a public store, my thoughts are not in a cohesive order. So maybe that is something I can try. I do think that if I prepare for the meltdowns, breakdowns, battle of wills and other such things that plague my life right now, I will be able to better control my outward emotions.
"This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now."
"Envision {yourself} on the ocean, riding the waves of pain up and down, letting them wash over {you}, accepting the up and downs as part of a beautiful process...You're riding the waves and they just keep coming - the hard stuff, the good stuff, the hard stuff, the good stuff...storms are mediated by the beauty of a friendship unfolding between you and your child and the pride of seeing a unique individual emerge...Every day, every week, every year, each stage of motherhood brings new challenges - and new joys. Just like the waves on the ocean never stop but never last, the waves of joy and pain in motherhood just keep coming. Waves can get big and push us down to the point that we sometimes wonder if we can get back up. But when we keep our heads up, keep treading water with all the hope and love we can muster, and trust that there is peace on the other side of each storm, we make it through again and again, becoming stronger all the while...You can't become the strong and patient and knowledgeable mother you want to be or raise the resilient and wonderful children you dream of without the waves of trails and joy that stretch and grow you and bind hearts together." {Saren Loosli}
Is that not just beautiful!
I have had my fair share of hard days as a mother. I have been completely overwhelmed by tiny things and huge things. I have had days where I have been crying on the toilet, crying in the corner of the kitchen, and crying on my knees in prayer. I have had bad days. Now this is not to say that my children are awful, or my life is unbearable hard. They are great kids, and I live a really really good life. I have a dear friend {who's only daughter is a few days younger than my oldest -5} and she has to deal with the fact she most likely will out-live her daughter. My sister-in-law was only given 24 hours to share with her daughter, before her little girl was taken back to Heavenly Father. I have friends who have fought tooth and nail to adopt children, who have children that struggle with allergies and disabilities. My days are not filled with these problems, BUT, my days have their problems. So how do we as mothers deal with the "Hard Stuff"?
When we are really stressed out what do we do? Do we yell? Use an angry voice? Slam things around? Cry? Shut down, threaten to run away...RUN and pretend that we are running away? What do you do? I cry. I put my clogging shoes on and dance very angry-ly on my deck. I have an 'angry voice' {as my girls call it} and I use it well. Do I like that I do all this? No, not all of it. But you have to have an outlet. There has to be some way that I can deal with my anger and stress, yet in a positive manner that will portray to my children {and husband when the moment calls for it} that the actions that just took place are not okay, or were the last straw added to my aching back. So how do we get through those moments? How do we turn our anger into positive reinforcement? How do we find "Joy in the Journey" when the obstacles that line the pathway appear overwhelming?
I find that when I am battling with the physical projection of my frustrations, if I can sing a children's hymn {normally that is because they are short and to the point} I can refocus on how I want to handle the situation. Now, I do not stop everything going on around me, stand up on the table, and bellow out the verses; but they do run through my mind, tune and all. It calms me and focuses me. This was the question that I came to the group with last night. I wanted to know what other people do in the heat of the moment to keep from losing control. I did not get very many answers, maybe I did not state my question right, but there were a few good ideas. One lady said that she literally takes a breath. This might sound basic but I like it. I hold my breath and bit my lip, but maybe I should just stop and audibly breath. Make a nice loud draw-in and a calming woosh-out. Just doing it right here and now, relaxes my shoulders a bit. One lady said she says a prayer. I do this sort of, but I can not pray in the moment. I like to come to prayer with my thoughts in order and trust me when I am in the moment of a meltdown in a public store, my thoughts are not in a cohesive order. So maybe that is something I can try. I do think that if I prepare for the meltdowns, breakdowns, battle of wills and other such things that plague my life right now, I will be able to better control my outward emotions.
The column gave us 7 tips/reminders to make it through the "Hard Stuff"
(1) Accept that life is hard
(2) Learn from the hard stuff
(3) Acknowledge that EVERY job has it's hard parts
(4) Speak positively to yourself {and I will add- to your family members}
(4) Speak positively to yourself {and I will add- to your family members}
(5) Manage your expectations
(6) Learn to focus on the good
(7) It's okay to be frustrated & overwhelmed sometimes
This column was a nice reminder and check point for me. It made me stop and think. I do not want to slam cupboard doors. I do not want to be known for my "angry voice." I do not want to spank my children or throw away a toy just to make them mad. I want to be calm and loving as I teach them the right way to act. I want to live in the moment and not fret over when the next meltdown might occur. I know that when I do bills I get ornery and so I drink a soda or a cup of hot cocoa and put on a show for the girls to make the environment better. One thing I really liked in the article was this statement; "When you encounter hard times, don't waste your energy worrying about how hard it is - just deal with what needs to be dealt with and march through." Heavenly Father never told us that this was going to be easy but He did promise us that we would find a joy and sweetness above all others, if we endure to the end. I will finish with a quote from the Prophet of God, Thomas S. Monson {it's found in the talk I linked up earlier}.
"This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now."
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