Dealing with the Hard Stuff

Do you have Hard Stuff in your life? Uh, duh! But what is hard? And is hard the same thing today as it was yesterday - Oh, and will tomorrow be harder? The topic for our May meeting was "Dealing with the Hard Stuff." There were some great pointers in it and wonderful questions that made you pause and think. I also loved, absolutely loved, the analogy that was used. Here it is, in random clips from the article:

"Envision {yourself} on the ocean, riding the waves of pain up and down, letting them wash over {you}, accepting the up and downs as part of a beautiful process...You're riding the waves and they just keep coming - the hard stuff, the good stuff, the hard stuff, the good stuff...storms are mediated by the beauty of a friendship unfolding between you and your child and the pride of seeing a unique individual emerge...Every day, every week, every year, each stage of motherhood brings new challenges - and new joys. Just like the waves on the ocean never stop but never last, the waves of joy and pain in motherhood just keep coming. Waves can get big and push us down to the point that we sometimes wonder if we can get back up. But when we keep our heads up, keep treading water with all the hope and love we can muster, and trust that there is peace on the other side of each storm, we make it through again and again, becoming stronger all the while...You can't become the strong and patient and knowledgeable mother you want to be or raise the resilient and wonderful children you dream of without the waves of trails and joy that stretch and grow you and bind hearts together." {Saren Loosli}

Is that not just beautiful!

I have had my fair share of hard days as a mother. I have been completely overwhelmed by tiny things and huge things. I have had days where I have been crying on the toilet, crying in the corner of the kitchen, and crying on my knees in prayer. I have had bad days. Now this is not to say that my children are awful, or my life is unbearable hard. They are great kids, and I live a really really good life. I have a dear friend {who's only daughter is a few days younger than my oldest -5} and she has to deal with the fact she most likely will out-live her daughter. My sister-in-law was only given 24 hours to share with her daughter, before her little girl was taken back to Heavenly Father. I have friends who have fought tooth and nail to adopt children, who have children that struggle with allergies and disabilities. My days are not filled with these problems, BUT, my days have their problems. So how do we as mothers deal with the "Hard Stuff"?

When we are really stressed out what do we do? Do we yell? Use an angry voice? Slam things around? Cry? Shut down, threaten to run away...RUN and pretend that we are running away? What do you do? I cry. I put my clogging shoes on and dance very angry-ly on my deck. I have an 'angry voice' {as my girls call it} and I use it well. Do I like that I do all this? No, not all of it. But you have to have an outlet. There has to be some way that I can deal with my anger and stress, yet in a positive manner that will portray to my children {and husband when the moment calls for it} that the actions that just took place are not okay, or were the last straw added to my aching back. So how do we get through those moments? How do we turn our anger into positive reinforcement? How do we find "Joy in the Journey" when the obstacles that line the pathway appear overwhelming?

I find that when I am battling with the physical projection of my frustrations, if I can sing a children's hymn {normally that is because they are short and to the point} I can refocus on how I want to handle the situation. Now, I do not stop everything going on around me, stand up on the table, and bellow out the verses; but they do run through my mind, tune and all. It calms me and focuses me. This was the question that I came to the group with last night. I wanted to know what other people do in the heat of the moment to keep from losing control. I did not get very many answers, maybe I did not state my question right, but there were a few good ideas. One lady said that she literally takes a breath. This might sound basic but I like it. I hold my breath and bit my lip, but maybe I should just stop and audibly breath. Make a nice loud draw-in and a calming woosh-out. Just doing it right here and now, relaxes my shoulders a bit. One lady said she says a prayer. I do this sort of, but I can not pray in the moment. I like to come to prayer with my thoughts in order and trust me when I am in the moment of a meltdown in a public store, my thoughts are not in a cohesive order. So maybe that is something I can try. I do think that if I prepare for the meltdowns, breakdowns, battle of wills and other such things that plague my life right now, I will be able to better control my outward emotions.

The column gave us 7 tips/reminders to make it through the "Hard Stuff"

(1) Accept that life is hard

(2) Learn from the hard stuff

(3) Acknowledge that EVERY job has it's hard parts
(4) Speak positively to yourself {and I will add- to your family members}

(5) Manage your expectations

(6) Learn to focus on the good

(7) It's okay to be frustrated & overwhelmed sometimes

This column was a nice reminder and check point for me. It made me stop and think. I do not want to slam cupboard doors. I do not want to be known for my "angry voice." I do not want to spank my children or throw away a toy just to make them mad. I want to be calm and loving as I teach them the right way to act. I want to live in the moment and not fret over when the next meltdown might occur. I know that when I do bills I get ornery and so I drink a soda or a cup of hot cocoa and put on a show for the girls to make the environment better. One thing I really liked in the article was this statement; "When you encounter hard times, don't waste your energy worrying about how hard it is - just deal with what needs to be dealt with and march through." Heavenly Father never told us that this was going to be easy but He did promise us that we would find a joy and sweetness above all others, if we endure to the end. I will finish with a quote from the Prophet of God, Thomas S. Monson {it's found in the talk I linked up earlier}.

"This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now."

The Perfect Mom

This month our little group got off schedule and so there will be two post. Here is the breakdown of the topic for the column we read and discussed this month, "The Perfect Mom" by Allyson Reynolds. It was a very good column that focuses on the idea that there is NOT a "perfect" mom and if you are attaining to become such, well, just let me know when you get there! I wrote down all sorts of notes and did a little mommy-soul searching.

What I came to realize is that overall I am doing a good job as a mother. I know the "things" that I let go so that I can accomplish other "things" and in reality I am glad I am able to do this. One of the questions proposed in the group discussion asks you to name qualities of other women you know that you wish you could have. I have a few moms on pedal stools in my mind and these are the qualities I would like to acquire or improve upon; humility, service, confidence, time for myself, and better control of my frustrations. I would love to never raise my voice at my children, but I will justify it with the fact that there are three of them and I have to make sure I am heard...right?!? I was the host this month and so I was able to lead the discussion. I asked everyone if they would not mind going around the room and tell each person a quality that they admired about them. Some people found it awkward, but we made it around our circle and can I just say it was great! I felt like people were able to pick qualities that they saw in these fine women and acknowledge them for their strengths and efforts. We as moms, don't get that very much, and so I feel it really lifted the spirits of our group, at least I hope it did, that was the point.

Another part of the column provided a quote by one of my favorite people, M. Russell Ballard; "There is no perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else." How can you not love that statement! Read his amazing talk "Daughters of God" to further uplift you and to remember what your role as a woman, mother and wife truly is.

Can you tell there were few questions this month. So, another point brought up was that life too, is not perfect. it is more like a train ride. The following quote is by Jenkin Lloyd Jones. "Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed. {The fact is} most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise....Life is like an old-time rail journey- delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling burst of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride." After reading this quote we were encouraged to write down our missed putts and our beautiful vistas. I wanted to take it a step further {does that really surprise any of you? - didn't think so}. So I decided that missed putts were the negatives or challenges in my life that I had control over and the tough meat were those that I do not have control over. The same goes for the good, where the burst of speed are created by me and the beautiful vistas are just there for me to enjoy.

Missed Putts

financial difficulties

lack of current self-worth / confidence

my hair

lack of diligence in scripture study

lack of diligence in Temple attendance

Tough Meat

Truck engine blew up

lousy housing market

Burst of Speed

Total Money Makeover

house looks great

budget is hard but working out to the penny

enjoying our last year in Oregon

Beautiful Vistas

the girls

summer time is here

my hubbie has a calling that gives us so many blessings

enjoying Ansley's last year being home 24/7

So there are mine. What are yours? The point of this exercise for me was to understand what the meat, putts, speed, and views were to me right now. When I had it written out on paper, the bad did not seem as daunting as they really were. I also realized that I had more good than bad. The goal is to shift my daily point of view to the positive and away from the negatives. It really does work when you can do it.

So the exercise concludes with a little pick me up moment where you get to brag a bit to yourself about what you feel you are good at as a mother. I love the idea of focusing on the good and so I am going to list what I think are my strengths. Please don't think I am gloating this is for me and I would encourage you to do it for yourself too.

I get my girls outdoors a lot

I balance my time well so that I spend more time playing with my girls than

cleaning or doing chores {yes, my floor could always use a sweep but I don't care}

I capture, collect, and record our days together

I include the girls in all sorts of activities

I allow them to be little girls, to run, explore and grow up at their own

pace {I do not have a hidden agenda for them}

I enjoy to cuddle with them, read with them, and embrace bonding time

my strengths are that I am

creative

outdoor-ies

open to new ideas and experiences

teachable

patient

organized

consistent

friendly

I came out from this meeting feeling happy about me and what I have been doing for my girls. I know that when I have a positive attitude it affects Han Solo and our entire little planet. We I get down on my knees and thank my father in heaven for all I have been given I realized that being a mother is the hardest but greatest calling of life. Here are two more quotes that I want to include.

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a visions for tomorrow." -Melody Beattie

"I am impressed by countless mothers who have learned how important it is to focus on the things that can only be done in a particular season of life. If a child lives with parents for 18 or 19 years, that span is only one-fourth of a parent's life. And the most formative time of all, the early years in a child's life, represents less than one-tenth of a parent's normal life. It is crucial to focus on our children for the short time we have them with us and to seek, with the help of the Lord, to teach them all we can before they leave our homes." -M. Russell Ballard

"Power of Moms"

Ironically I was invited (by two women I adore) to join a group last month. Now, I know that this goes against my desire to not be associated with any one clique or group but after much thought I decided that to decline this invitation would be declining the opportunity to improve my family life and mothering abilities. And so, with this thought in mind I went to my first group meeting since Girl Scouts and Leadership in high school (we just won't mention exactly how long ago that was). Guess what...?...I did not die and to the contrary I actually enjoyed myself.

We are a Learning Circle of the larger group under the direction of The Power of Moms. We are given an article that has questions and topic discussions and we meet once a month to talk about it all and learn from each other. So along with my whole accountability need, I am going to, monthly answer the questions and tell you all what I am going to work on. I will not be sharing the article or questions as I think that is a breach in the copyright, but if you are interested you may follow the links I have provided or find some cool articles and just do it all on your own (I knew I would never actually do it or find the time to do it so this is my option). Any ideas and suggestions from you would be loved as always.

(1) My gauge of success right now is the following: my children are fed, alive, and semi happy at the end of the day, my hubbie is likewise fed and happy, I have taken a shower, cleaned something in my house, ate, and am semi happy as well. Small and pety...?...perhaspe but doable and attained! As life success I want my family to have a knowledge and love of The Gospel of Jesus Christ and I want us to follow the commandments of God. I want to maintain a happy and healthy marriage. Like wise I want us to be a loving and caring family. Success means that we have a dwelling to live in and enough food on the table for us to survive and enjoy. I think that if when I die these things have been fulfilled to best of my ability then I have had a successful life.

(2) I am not a victim and have never really felt like one. I know that I have chosen to be a mother and although I did not fully understand all that I was saying yes to, I in no way regret my decision. My problem then, is not feeling like a victim to the life I am leading but trying not to react to influences that are beyond my control. I am a stubborn fighter and I know it. I need to learn to control those urges when 'things' happen and let somethings go.

(3) Unrealistic expectations are a disease of self-confidence. I have three children 5 and under, for me this can be a lot at times. Here are my top 5 unrealistic expectations that I place on myself pretty regularly (in black) and a more realistic version (in red).
a) my children will behave and not complain while doing chores: accomplish 3 chores per day regardless
b) I can start and finish an art project (of any variety) to the level of wonderfulness that I want it to be on any given day that I feel so inspired (which is almost daily - note the problem?): limit myself to 1 project per week
c) I should go to bed every night feeling amazingly happy : write in my Gratitude book every night after reading Scriptures
d) we should have enough money for the essentials and the fun we want to have: ?
e) I should lose 35 pounds to get back to my marriage weight: lose 1-5 pounds per month by limiting the number of cokes I drink and working out more

(4) I need more gratitude in my life. The more that I give thanks the more I find to give thanks for. This is one of my focuses this month.

(5) So this question is about in what areas of your life can you be less than perfect or be satisfied with mediocrity, I don't think I have a problem here. I made a New Years Resolution two years ago that I would spend more time playing on the floor with my girls than I would cleaning it. Wow, that was a great resolution that I have continued to live. I think I could let go of others perception on me and the 'awards' (good or bad) that I feel those should bring. I want to be satisfied with being mediocre to the world and fabulous to my family.

(6) I want to become Fulfilled by my life.
I want to become more Intelligent in the Holistic atmosphere of life.
I want to become more Active.

(7) My voices need to stop telling me that I look like a mom who has given up on herself for the benefit of her family, because in reality it does not benefit them at all. My mood and attitude have a huge impact on my family and the life that we lead, if it sucks then I should not be surprised that my family 'life' feels sucky too! My voices need to stop telling me that I need recognition from the world to feel important and desirable (in many areas of my life, not sexually). My voices need to stop telling me that we will not make it out of our money crunch. We are following the counsel of our living Prophet and the Spirit and working our tails off to be debt free (school, work, house, and stupid stuff!) and that is a good thing. Yes, it is awful and hard and drags us down but, in the end we will be liberated by our success!

(8) Funny, it's been about an hour and I can still not think of something that I will cut out or not do this month. I have been purging myself of 'things' as of late and so I feel that need has been meet.

(9) This month I will spend some money on an activity for Gary & I to do together. We 'date' with our favorite show and a homemade milkshake from time to time but we need to really go out and have a night where we can talk and relax and play for longer than an hour.

So there it is. I'll post a "Power of Moms" monthly.