"I HATE YOU! GET OUT! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FACES AGAIN!" Wow do those words carry a punch when they come out of the mouth of your sweet and beautiful little girl. I was supposed to start my Slim-in-Six tonight but after that punch in the gut I straightened my hair for my Big Date tomorrow night and am now enjoying a cup of Cocoa with whip cream (a rarity - the whip cream not the Cocoa). Any-whoo, MOM, I will keep a tab on the sidebar of my progress. Here is my weekly schedule:

Mon: SI6 stretch, clogging 9-12, SI6 tummy & butt
Tue: SI6 stretch, SI6 workout
Wed: SI6 stretch, SI6 workout, clogging 10-11:30 (switch with Thurs clogging)
Thurs:SI6 stretch, SI6 workout, SI6 tummy & butt (switch with Wed clogging)
Fri:SI6 stretch, SI6 workout, walking with girls
Sat:SI6 stretch, SI6 workout
Sun: SI6 stretch, SI6 tummy & butt (it is the day of rest)

I will put all my stats from the start date on the side board with the ticker. Wish me luck and keep me honest.

A Warm Cup of Cocoa to Dry My Tears...

So today has been a rough day. I don't feel like going into details because I'm not even in the mood to complain. Here is the quick list of disappointments.

(1) I had to cancel a spontaneous yet, most desired, trip to Canada to attend the Vancouver B.C. Temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Why? 'Cause when I started making photo copies of the kids birth certificates and such I realized that my passport expired in '08. Really, talk about being prepared with my oil when the bridegroom comes. Dear Han Solo will not go without me and while I can get into Canada and go to the open house, the US won't let me back into my country. Go figure. I cried for almost a day and still cry every time I think about it. My two bf promised to take pictures for me but that is as close as we will get.

(2) Got feedback from the first couple (or person to be exact) to come see my house...they hate it! Said our 'white tile' which is actually creamish is ugly and our back is undesirable. They thought we were over priced and had no interest what-so-ever in my sweet little home. I was determined that other peoples opinions would mean very little to me, but while this couple now means very little to me, I have begun to realize how much I do love my home and how hard it truly will be to leave it. Thanks a lot jerks! (sorry that was mean, I am sure they are very nice people)

(3) I think that the Republic has killed all the Ewoks on Endor cause my three beautiful little Ewoks are no where to be found. On the same note there seems to have been a baby boom on what ever planet Chewbacas come from cause there are tons of those running around my house and I swear they multiply like Gremlins every time I say "NO." (NO, I am not saying I am pregnant, despite what others dream, think, or say - we are done!)

(4) I went to Craft Warehouse today with a friend and saw that they now carry Amy Butler fabric, My Little Yellow Bicycle, and they had a new line from Basic Grey. These are all a few of my favorite things and now I have a bad case of 'the WANTS'.

Amy Butler (Love)

I know I want to make a pillow out of some of these, maybe a footstool pillow or a rollie-pollie pillow, I could go on forever. And this one I want to turn into a 'Liverpool' tunic for spring.

So, what's so bad about all this (4) stuff at Craft Warehouse, well we don't have the money to have 'the WANTS'. I did splurge at JoAnns today when I saw that these beautiful mugs I have had my eyes on for months (really it's been about 5-6 months since I first saw them) went on clearance from $10 a mug (REALLY? what were they thinking?) to $2. There were 5 left, how perfect is that. The other thing that I think I will splurge on is this Willow Tree Remembrance journal that is now available at our Deseret Bookstore. I have been doing pretty good with my gratitude journal but it is a composition book that I said I was going to fancy up. This is what it currently looks like. I think the Remembrance journal will be how I fancy it up. I also want to get a copy of Dieter F. Uchtdorf's new book "The Remarkable Soul of a Woman."

Maybe a certain Han Solo could fly the galaxies and return with these precious gifts in time for Mothers Day.

So now, that it took an hour to do all this, the Mariners lost in the 10th and the Blazer game is long over, I will make my third cup of Hot Cocoa in my new mug and take it up stairs to read my current novel "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett.

It's Nice to be Wrong.

This last year has been a moving year for those close to me. My three best friends moved over last summer / fall to two different states (Utah & Washington). Before this another great friend moved to Washington DC and even local friends moved further "down the road". Maybe I should shower more!?! Any-hoo, because I knew that I would be the next one to rent a Uhal, I have been reluctant to strengthen friendships here, let alone make new ones. I figured I still had one of my top 5 just "down the road" and that would be enough. Well I did become closer to one friend right off tha bat, but I knew that would happen. Then my eldest Ewok started preschool with a new bunch of ladies. Yes, I became closer to some 'church' friends and guess what? One moved this weekend and the other has her house up for sale with the same Realtor we are working with. REALLY, is this necessary!?! I yelled at myself then took a little self-evaluation of how well I was NOT making new friends in this area and came to realize that I'm not doing very good at it at all. I have in fact strengthened one friendship and formed two others that I never thought I would.

It is along these lines that I am glad to be wrong about a beautiful lady that is quickly becoming a dear friend. At first I thought that she either was (1) perhaps snobbish but very kind and working on changing it or (2) she really did not like the person I am but felt obligated to be 'friends' because our hubbies are friends. I WAS WRONG, on both accounts. My new impression is that despite her beauty, intelligence, and abilities she is not sure how others feel about her and where her place is in our area. (Funny how deep down inside we are all the same) I also feel she is kinda high strung about certain things and that makes her nervous and she does not like to feel that way so when this happens she removes herself (and children) from the situation. She is not abruptly leaving my house because it is not clean enough or good enough for her and her family, she just knows her limits. I think also she is a mover, she never really slows down for much, to eat or clean, or just walking. I am now excited about what I can learn from her.

This is what I will be writing in my gratitude book today; I am grateful for my new friendship and to be wrong about a person who confused me. I hope I can learn from this that I am too judgmental on myself and my perception of others and how they feel about me and my family. I need to stop projecting my insecurities thought others eyes. There might just be a chance that I will make some great friends here in the next few months and then miss them when I move. That is life, friends come and go and what is so wrong that.

"Power of Moms"

Ironically I was invited (by two women I adore) to join a group last month. Now, I know that this goes against my desire to not be associated with any one clique or group but after much thought I decided that to decline this invitation would be declining the opportunity to improve my family life and mothering abilities. And so, with this thought in mind I went to my first group meeting since Girl Scouts and Leadership in high school (we just won't mention exactly how long ago that was). Guess what...?...I did not die and to the contrary I actually enjoyed myself.

We are a Learning Circle of the larger group under the direction of The Power of Moms. We are given an article that has questions and topic discussions and we meet once a month to talk about it all and learn from each other. So along with my whole accountability need, I am going to, monthly answer the questions and tell you all what I am going to work on. I will not be sharing the article or questions as I think that is a breach in the copyright, but if you are interested you may follow the links I have provided or find some cool articles and just do it all on your own (I knew I would never actually do it or find the time to do it so this is my option). Any ideas and suggestions from you would be loved as always.

(1) My gauge of success right now is the following: my children are fed, alive, and semi happy at the end of the day, my hubbie is likewise fed and happy, I have taken a shower, cleaned something in my house, ate, and am semi happy as well. Small and pety...?...perhaspe but doable and attained! As life success I want my family to have a knowledge and love of The Gospel of Jesus Christ and I want us to follow the commandments of God. I want to maintain a happy and healthy marriage. Like wise I want us to be a loving and caring family. Success means that we have a dwelling to live in and enough food on the table for us to survive and enjoy. I think that if when I die these things have been fulfilled to best of my ability then I have had a successful life.

(2) I am not a victim and have never really felt like one. I know that I have chosen to be a mother and although I did not fully understand all that I was saying yes to, I in no way regret my decision. My problem then, is not feeling like a victim to the life I am leading but trying not to react to influences that are beyond my control. I am a stubborn fighter and I know it. I need to learn to control those urges when 'things' happen and let somethings go.

(3) Unrealistic expectations are a disease of self-confidence. I have three children 5 and under, for me this can be a lot at times. Here are my top 5 unrealistic expectations that I place on myself pretty regularly (in black) and a more realistic version (in red).
a) my children will behave and not complain while doing chores: accomplish 3 chores per day regardless
b) I can start and finish an art project (of any variety) to the level of wonderfulness that I want it to be on any given day that I feel so inspired (which is almost daily - note the problem?): limit myself to 1 project per week
c) I should go to bed every night feeling amazingly happy : write in my Gratitude book every night after reading Scriptures
d) we should have enough money for the essentials and the fun we want to have: ?
e) I should lose 35 pounds to get back to my marriage weight: lose 1-5 pounds per month by limiting the number of cokes I drink and working out more

(4) I need more gratitude in my life. The more that I give thanks the more I find to give thanks for. This is one of my focuses this month.

(5) So this question is about in what areas of your life can you be less than perfect or be satisfied with mediocrity, I don't think I have a problem here. I made a New Years Resolution two years ago that I would spend more time playing on the floor with my girls than I would cleaning it. Wow, that was a great resolution that I have continued to live. I think I could let go of others perception on me and the 'awards' (good or bad) that I feel those should bring. I want to be satisfied with being mediocre to the world and fabulous to my family.

(6) I want to become Fulfilled by my life.
I want to become more Intelligent in the Holistic atmosphere of life.
I want to become more Active.

(7) My voices need to stop telling me that I look like a mom who has given up on herself for the benefit of her family, because in reality it does not benefit them at all. My mood and attitude have a huge impact on my family and the life that we lead, if it sucks then I should not be surprised that my family 'life' feels sucky too! My voices need to stop telling me that I need recognition from the world to feel important and desirable (in many areas of my life, not sexually). My voices need to stop telling me that we will not make it out of our money crunch. We are following the counsel of our living Prophet and the Spirit and working our tails off to be debt free (school, work, house, and stupid stuff!) and that is a good thing. Yes, it is awful and hard and drags us down but, in the end we will be liberated by our success!

(8) Funny, it's been about an hour and I can still not think of something that I will cut out or not do this month. I have been purging myself of 'things' as of late and so I feel that need has been meet.

(9) This month I will spend some money on an activity for Gary & I to do together. We 'date' with our favorite show and a homemade milkshake from time to time but we need to really go out and have a night where we can talk and relax and play for longer than an hour.

So there it is. I'll post a "Power of Moms" monthly.

Paint Fumes...

Okay so it has been a few days?....weeks?...the sad part is I can't even remember so that is the first indication that I have been ignoring myself. I have. We currently have our house up on the market and that means that someone had to get it ready to go on the market. Yeah, why beat the issue dead, it was me, with the help of Han Solo and his dear parents who helped with child care, physical labor, and a lot of storage. We painted almost every surface of our house and I still have the baseboards to go. I never thought our house was ridiculously small - it is actually a very nice house and we could live here forever and sacrifice our want for acreage to live a good life here, alas we must move for work and so will move from here to an apartment to save more money to get the house and the land we want. Very little comes from wishing on a star, we know.

So an update, I have not lost any more weight this month, but as my mom pointed out I have maintained. I slacked on my vitamins of D3 & Omega3 and I could really tell, which is a good thing because that means that they are doing their job (happy to say it was easy to get back on track with those). The best part of all this was the meditation that I was able to do while painting. Kind of like my revelation in the shower (which started all this) I came to some conclusions which has really benefited me.

There is a group of ladies that I am acquainted with who have a particular knack for excluding others from their little adventures but then talking about how wonderful they were and how great of friends they all are, while you (being one of many not included) are sitting with and group of them. I have tried to ignore this, I have tried to comment (thinking that was what they wanted and it would help move the conversation to a more even playing field - it was not very successful), and then I finally tried the avoidance method, as I think many others are doing. Well this has worked the best. I enjoy these women one-on-one they are young, beautiful, intelligent and delightful ladies in their own way and on their own, but something happens when they form a group around themselves. They have the ability to transfer you emotions and thoughts back to high school when your clothes mattered, your hair style mattered, the car you drove, the boy you clung to. They transport you here and make you feel like the unpopular kid you either once were or swore you never would be. This is why I avoid them as a group, I don't want to go there and I like my thoughts to be on how I am doing good as a mother, my hubbie still loves me and although he has lost all his hair he is sexy and provides for me and my girls emotionally, temporally, spiritually and in every other way I can think of. I don't' have a lot of great clothes but my car is perfect for my family and we a have a beautiful home.

The one thing I don't get a lot, that they seem too, is the "girl time". I think this is where the problem and solution lie. I would love to be able to go out once a week with girl friends and get a coke at a fav restaurant or just watch a great chick flick and eat ice cream...but...(1) I am married to an amazing man and I am the mother to amazing girls I want to be with them too. (2) I only have my hubbie around 2 nights during the week and Saturday is a family day and Sunday we devote to Church and family. (3) I want to use money as an excuse, because we don't have tons, but really I would use it on something else any way so its not really a huge factor here. Really I guess it is that, is girl time worth more to me than family time...NO. Easy but at times it still hurts. So here is my conclusion. I got my girls time in college, I played a lot, I dated a lot, I stayed up late at night with my roommates and watched chick flicks and ate ice cream, we went shopping together and went on mini vacations, we cried and laughed and got all that bonding done. These girls went about this a different way, some went to college, some didn't, they all married young and had children relatively fast (of course there are exceptions to ever rule but these are my generalizations). Point being they did not get their girls time in college before marring and starting families. Now they are trying to capture that. To find out who they are together as a group, to get that acceptance that they need and to form friendships with their children.

Well here is my new perspective: GOOD FOR THEM. GO HAVE YOUR GIRL FUN. ENJOY IT! I LOVED MINE AND I MADE AMAZING LIFE LONG FRIENDS, AND NOW WE CALL OR EMAIL AND SEND PICTURES AND BRACKETS TO EACH OTHER AND WE LIVE OUR LIVES AS MOMS AND WIVES. I AM HAPPY WHERE I AM AND I DON'T NEED TO GO OUT MULTI PULE NIGHTS A WEEK OR JOIN 5 CLUBS TO FEEL SATISFIED. I AM FULFILLED BY THE LOVE THAT MY HUBBIE, GIRLS, PARENTS, AND BEST FRIENDS GIVE ME WHEN EVER WE HAPPEN TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER.

I am now resolved to avoiding the group and enjoy my life rather than living in the past. This may sound silly but I would paint my whole house over again to feel as satisfied as I am now with this whole issue. For those of you living close in proximity to me and feeling the same as I have been, remember who you are right now and know that you are not alone and you can go to any park at any time and not feel like the uninvited third wheel. Power to me! Yeah!

Okay I'm done.

Part 2 of HELP!

So here is a posting from a friend that sums up my feelings on all those amazing blogs and sites out there that we look at to inspire us and then walk away feeling....well like I did yesterday. It is classic and I higly suggest you reading it; The Blogosphere Killed My Momfidence.

Need a little HELP...

So, I have accomplished a few things since the departure of my mother. My main focus and goals have been on the house and taxes (which is a deadline overdue). I have been using the clutter techniques from the Fly Lady and spending just a bit of time (30 minutes) on dreaded tasks before doing something I want to do. This is how yesterday went and where I am today (READ ON PLEASE, I'LL COME TO A POINT SOONER OR LATER).

9-11 clogging (notice I have cut off an hour to get more things done on Mondays!)

11-12:30 Costco (produce, lunch, & girl time)

12:30 Put baby Ewok to bed and let the other two ride bikes while I prepared the front for a power-wash bath

12:45 Set-up Power wahser

1:10 Yelled at power washer for not working, got all worked up and went over to the alley way and swept all the cigarette butts that the apartment dwellers leave on our street while they use our alley way as their own personal smoke house.

1:20 Walk back to the house to discover that my next door neighbors "For Sale" flyer's are being put in her box and she is selling for $9,500 less that we are going to post ours for at the end of the month

1:21 CRY

1:30 Call BF for back-up and a little boost. LOVE THIS LADY AS SHE JUMPED RIGHT ON MY TRUCK AND IS COMING DOWN FRIDAY FOR A WORK DAY.

1:45 Started painting

6:12 Warm up left overs for Ewoks dinner, then continued to paint.

7:30 Han Solo got home so I stopped painting to say hi and tell him to warm up left overs for dinner. I grabbed a bag of chips and a coke for my dinner and heading back up stairs (made progress see) to finish more painting.

8:10 Realized that the Ewoks were still awake but had not gotten a bath, so I told Han to do it and went back to painting.

8:20 Put baby Ewok to bed and went back to painting. Cleaned it all up at 8:35.

8:40 blow dried both Ewok's hair and cuddled with them in my bed watching the Olympics for a bit.

9:20 Took first shower of the day (for those that dance with me, I know I'm gross but it just didn't happen earlier) then fell into bed.

Okay so a lot got done in reality, BUT in my head this morning as I look at my little sampling of favorite blogs that inspire me I find myself not inspired but disappointed in myself and the lack of abilities I feel I am without.

WHY, why do we, as women, do this to ourselves.

Even after writing out the things that I did do yesterday, things that needed to be done, this is where my mind is; 'My house is a mess, the sink is full of dishes but the dishwasher is empty, I have two loads of clean laundry waiting to be folded and 3 hampers full of clothes waiting to be cleaned. My advent calendar from Valentines is not done, the dress I wanted to make for the girls are not finished, which means I am not getting money for the two I want to sell, a friend is having a baby shower tonight and the bow tie and booties I want to make for her are still only in my head, I don't even have material for them, and even if I were to go and look at material I feel I have no money left to buy it or food or anything (which is a slight over-exaggeration) and that brings me to my taxes which are due, LIKE NOW! And I found out that the tags on my car are expired and now I have to go to the DEQ and the DMV today in between dance and its raining out so the park day I promised the girls yesterday when it was bright and beautiful and I, YES I, wanted to power wash the front patio so I told them we couldn't go, but the power washing never got done'.

NEGATIVE! NEGATIVE! NEGATIVE! WOW.

Great way to start your day huh. Help me out a little here. I need to know what others do when they get this way (other than uppers please) and if you don't get this way, rather then handing me a knife for my gutt, just make something up that sounds good. I need some good ideas for days like these.