The Perfect Mom

This month our little group got off schedule and so there will be two post. Here is the breakdown of the topic for the column we read and discussed this month, "The Perfect Mom" by Allyson Reynolds. It was a very good column that focuses on the idea that there is NOT a "perfect" mom and if you are attaining to become such, well, just let me know when you get there! I wrote down all sorts of notes and did a little mommy-soul searching.

What I came to realize is that overall I am doing a good job as a mother. I know the "things" that I let go so that I can accomplish other "things" and in reality I am glad I am able to do this. One of the questions proposed in the group discussion asks you to name qualities of other women you know that you wish you could have. I have a few moms on pedal stools in my mind and these are the qualities I would like to acquire or improve upon; humility, service, confidence, time for myself, and better control of my frustrations. I would love to never raise my voice at my children, but I will justify it with the fact that there are three of them and I have to make sure I am heard...right?!? I was the host this month and so I was able to lead the discussion. I asked everyone if they would not mind going around the room and tell each person a quality that they admired about them. Some people found it awkward, but we made it around our circle and can I just say it was great! I felt like people were able to pick qualities that they saw in these fine women and acknowledge them for their strengths and efforts. We as moms, don't get that very much, and so I feel it really lifted the spirits of our group, at least I hope it did, that was the point.

Another part of the column provided a quote by one of my favorite people, M. Russell Ballard; "There is no perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else." How can you not love that statement! Read his amazing talk "Daughters of God" to further uplift you and to remember what your role as a woman, mother and wife truly is.

Can you tell there were few questions this month. So, another point brought up was that life too, is not perfect. it is more like a train ride. The following quote is by Jenkin Lloyd Jones. "Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed. {The fact is} most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise....Life is like an old-time rail journey- delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling burst of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride." After reading this quote we were encouraged to write down our missed putts and our beautiful vistas. I wanted to take it a step further {does that really surprise any of you? - didn't think so}. So I decided that missed putts were the negatives or challenges in my life that I had control over and the tough meat were those that I do not have control over. The same goes for the good, where the burst of speed are created by me and the beautiful vistas are just there for me to enjoy.

Missed Putts

financial difficulties

lack of current self-worth / confidence

my hair

lack of diligence in scripture study

lack of diligence in Temple attendance

Tough Meat

Truck engine blew up

lousy housing market

Burst of Speed

Total Money Makeover

house looks great

budget is hard but working out to the penny

enjoying our last year in Oregon

Beautiful Vistas

the girls

summer time is here

my hubbie has a calling that gives us so many blessings

enjoying Ansley's last year being home 24/7

So there are mine. What are yours? The point of this exercise for me was to understand what the meat, putts, speed, and views were to me right now. When I had it written out on paper, the bad did not seem as daunting as they really were. I also realized that I had more good than bad. The goal is to shift my daily point of view to the positive and away from the negatives. It really does work when you can do it.

So the exercise concludes with a little pick me up moment where you get to brag a bit to yourself about what you feel you are good at as a mother. I love the idea of focusing on the good and so I am going to list what I think are my strengths. Please don't think I am gloating this is for me and I would encourage you to do it for yourself too.

I get my girls outdoors a lot

I balance my time well so that I spend more time playing with my girls than

cleaning or doing chores {yes, my floor could always use a sweep but I don't care}

I capture, collect, and record our days together

I include the girls in all sorts of activities

I allow them to be little girls, to run, explore and grow up at their own

pace {I do not have a hidden agenda for them}

I enjoy to cuddle with them, read with them, and embrace bonding time

my strengths are that I am

creative

outdoor-ies

open to new ideas and experiences

teachable

patient

organized

consistent

friendly

I came out from this meeting feeling happy about me and what I have been doing for my girls. I know that when I have a positive attitude it affects Han Solo and our entire little planet. We I get down on my knees and thank my father in heaven for all I have been given I realized that being a mother is the hardest but greatest calling of life. Here are two more quotes that I want to include.

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a visions for tomorrow." -Melody Beattie

"I am impressed by countless mothers who have learned how important it is to focus on the things that can only be done in a particular season of life. If a child lives with parents for 18 or 19 years, that span is only one-fourth of a parent's life. And the most formative time of all, the early years in a child's life, represents less than one-tenth of a parent's normal life. It is crucial to focus on our children for the short time we have them with us and to seek, with the help of the Lord, to teach them all we can before they leave our homes." -M. Russell Ballard

A Breakdown of Success

There are many times in my travels though motherhood when I feel that I have made a wrong choice. Times when I have allowed my anger to control my actions and or my voice. Times when I have wanted to give up, times when I have locked my own windows and doors and hid my keys so I could not give up and run. I have three girls. Emotions are pretty high in this little household and as the years go on I am pretty darn sure they are going to get even higher. With that being said I must add to my pile the fact that I am a passionate person and I think my daughters have received that gift from me. The problem with passion is that if you can not learn to control it, it will control you. In the same way that I link the words, charity, hope, and love; I link passion, stubbornness, and anger. If you are passionate about something you often are stubborn about that very same thing and when you allow your passion and stubbornness to mix in a volatile situation, well, the result is anger. Anger is not always bad. Uncontrolled anger that spews from every pore of your body however, rarely ends good for anyone.

This week I found myself in two very volatile situations:

Solution one contained the following mixture; a five and a half year old girl, a fun but long morning, a warm beautiful afternoon (not so bad thus far huh...), a shopping trip for summer clothes, and one shirt. So, my eldest was in a major need of clothing appropriate for summer. Our problem is that we hold certain standards of modesty that the world has yet to embrace. Who really wants their five year old to look like they are thirteen anyway? I could write a whole piece on this subject matter, so maybe I will - another day. It is very difficult to find clothing that has any length of sleeves attached to it for the summer. So, I started my quest at a favorite children's store, where there was a sale going on and I had a coupon for an additional 30% off my entire purchase. I set the kids in front the tv provided (sorry all you good moms, there are times when I will use it as a babysitter and this is one of them), and started digging in the sale racks. I had some good finds. I loaded up my arms called for my eldest and headed to the little changing room that is no more than a curtain on a rod about one foot away from the tv. Well my overly shy, emotional, and tired five year old went into freak-out mode when I asked her to take off her top shirt but leave on the tank top that was underneath (the curtain was close all but for a slit that I was standing against, so that I was outside the curtain and she was within). Enter said FREAK-OUT! All of a sudden she decided that her world would cease to spin if that shirt was to be pulled over her head. I felt I handled the breakdown well within the store. (1) I tried to reason with her, 'just lift your arms up and I'll pull it off' (2) I half-way threatened her with the idea that we could not get new clothes if she did not try them on (3) I bargained with her and said I would take her to the bathroom to take it off. All 3 attempts failed. So I took the clothes to the sales lady and asked her to hold them for the next two hours. Then I walked my little troupe down to the public bathrooms where I again tried to take the shirt off. NOT A CHANCE! So out comes the threat: "We are going home if you do not take this shirt off right now!" Through her passionate sobs I drag her back to the car (afraid all the while that I will be accused of child abuse, it's happened before) with my other ducks in tow and drive home. Once at home (after quite a lecture of which she heard very little through her screams and the fact that she had her hands smashed against her ears, least the evil might seep in), I take her inside and again give her a chance to take the shirt off- to no avail. In my mind the notion that this shopping trip must be done today and right now has overwhelmed the reasonable thoughts that are telling me to back down and choose a different battle to fight. And so the battle of wills begins. She is out of control at this point (actually she has been uncontrollable sense we left the store) and I am quickly giving up my control to frustration which is be emitted as anger. The end result is that in my attempt to remove the shirt from her body and her attempts to yank it back onto her body the shirt literally rips. You know how you have certain outfits of your children's that you just love, well this was one of mine, so my heart sinks at the sound. She however sees it as an opportunity to get the shirt off in another way and tears at the rip, stretches hers arms out wide, and before I can let go the shirt is literally ripped off of her little body. RIPPED OFF. Shredded up the left side. I was so angry that I had nothing left. I sank to the floor and sobbed, which in effect freaked her out more than anything and she came running over to apologize while trying to hug me. Here I feel like I failed. Now we did go back and ironically found many great items and stayed under my budget, but I do not see it as a success.

Today, just prior to starting this I was given a second chance. Solution two contained the following mixture; a three year old, a long day, a lot of rain and little chance to play outside, an afternoon filled with friends touching her toys, a dinner that she did not like, and a tired mom. So, our middle daughter was crying about wanting, wanting, wanting, dessert (a banana bar, really frozen yogurt) before dinner. To this I said NO about thirty times. She was finally told to sit on the couch and not move till I finished getting dinner on the table. Well, she began to fall asleep (a very bad thing at this time of night about, 5:38). So her dad rolled her over and told her to stay awake. Apparently that was a mistake. Full on war ensued. She wanted a banana, she wanted juice, she wanted to eat on the couch not at the table, she wanted wanted wanted but definitely did NOT want to listen. This one loses control often and she needs a shock to come back to life. I know it sounds evil but that shock for her is about 2 seconds of a cold shower. So that's what she got. But tonight, not even that was going to make the world spin again. I told her I would give her one more chance to calm down and go eat or she was going off to bed. I finally got her to the table with the promise of a banana along with her dinner. I thought we had made it until I turned and watched the freshly peeled banana begin to break at the middle and start its heartbreakingly slow decent to the floor. This happened in the whole of one second but I saw my evening flash before my eyes. Out came the uncontrollable sobs again and all control was lost. I went so far as to offer her Sprite with dinner thinking it would (1) make her happy and (2) keep her awake at least till 7:30 so the night would not be shot. No luck. I picked her up out of her chair and walked upstairs to her room resolved to stay calm and hold her till she just fell asleep. As I laid there with my legs draped over her lower limbs, my right arm under her head, and my left arm was across her chest to keep her from hitting and scratching my face (cause she is really good at it and it hurts really bad, not to mention the marks it leaves), I started to pray. The music was playing and all I could do was pray.

I prayed for patience, for more love, and a longer fuse. I prayed that my girls would learn to control their emotions and learn how create a longer fuse for their time bombs. Of course I prayed that all this would happened in the next few moments, although I knew that this would be learnt throughout their lives so that when they were moms and they had moments like these, they could choose the right, and be in control. As I have become a mom I have learned that I have a hard time allowing my children to win battles. I have learned to create a longer fuse to my bombs and I have learn things that help me keep control over the emotions that I emit in such situations. Tonight, I was in control. I was calm and collected as she thrashed under me. I kissed her and stroked her hair. I prayed for her and for me. I did not worry or get angry about the fact that I had to now reheat my dinner and eat alone. I did not fume and allow the knowledge that this time lost for her and me, from dad tonight could not be recaptured. I worried only a little, about what our new neighbor might be hearing through the walls and how she would perceive it. Best of all when she did fall asleep in my arms with her head nestled in my chest holding my hand rather than trying to scratch it off, I felt good. I succeeded tonight. I did not win the battle, but I choose the right.