For the fore-see-able future you can find me over at Phat Quarters (http://phatquartersblog.blogspot.com/)
Please come visit me there!
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
14 Days of Love Notes...
...and one very special family dinner, is what Valentine's Day is all about to me. So this is how our Valentine's Advent works. Each image on the squares one represents something about our family. Each little square on the heart is a pocket {hence the advent part}. So I hve a clothespin that has a bit of velcrow on it and six circles with each family members name on it. Everyday a new person's name is put on the clothespin. That clothes pin is then attached to that days square. This means that everyone else is to write a simple note to that one person, telling him or her why we love them. Simple. The fun things is that come Valentine's Day we all sit down and have a special family dinner. While we are eating each person has a turn reading all thier love notes outloud. We read the love notes that are written to us, not the ones we wrote. The Ewoks get so excited when they hear why we love them. Here are a few of my favorites from this year.
So let me share my pockets with you. I have come to love each one, but a few have special stories I would like to share. We'll start with the simple ones.
Like Day 5:
This little house represents the home that Han Solo and I started when we were sealed {married} for time and eternity in 2001.
Day 7:
This like-wise is our family tree. Han Solo and I are represented by the vintage button and our Ewoks the heart buttons. I need to add a new heart button to this one.
Day 1-3 and Day 10:
Now this is a funny story. See I love the image of our home being a nest. This was the reason I started following Abby's blog, A Feathered Nest, way back when. And sence this is where the idea for this advent came from I felt it would be fun to run with the bird thing. So the large blue bird is Han Solo, the large blue bird with the pink wing is me, and the aorable 3 little pink birds in the nest are our Ewoks. So the funny part is, we were convinced at this point in our lives that our family was done growing. So convinced that we had sold everything baby related and our world started moving on, as did the construction of the advent. But I was one square short and had no clue what to do with it. This was also the time that Disney's, The Princess and A Frog, was a favorite in our home. One of those we will die if we don't watch it at least 3 times a week kinda things. So, while working on other squares and watching it for the hundreth time with the Ewoks I thought, there is you last square. So...Day 10 is our Frog Prince. Not so funny...true...but 1 year and 4 months ago when I was laying down on the ultrasound table and I said to the tech "why does my kid have 3 l...e...g...IT"S A BOY!" it became pretty funny to me. Our lone son is now forever dubed the frog prince who came from a family of birds! Well if I was perfect I would be twinkled by now anyway, so at least it confirms that I am as imperfect as the rest of us.
The rest of the squares are mainly lovey-dovely Valentines stuff and of course I had to throw in the monogram "C" somewhere.
I hope you enjoy it. My next one will be for Halloween or Thanksgiving, both inspired by Pottery Barn. Hopefully they will be done before the little birds fly the coup and our frog prince meets his princess.
hugs & kisses...or maybe it's the other way around...oh, well...
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
A Gift to Me!
So, it's Valentines Day. A day that I actually LOVE! Yes, it is abused, commercialized, overplayed, and quite often all to mushy; but it is also a day to celebrate LOVE and I see nothing wrong with that. This Valentines Day I am giving myself a feel good gift. I am going to do something I have wanted to do for years but have never felt good enough to do, nor have I felt I have the right to dedicate time to it and not to other more "important" things, nor have I been able to put myself out into the world and paint a target on my chest for compliments and things of the darkside. But this year, my loyal five, I am doing it. So here it goes.
3 years ago, I think, Abby of A Feathered Nest, a wonderful lady I have never meet but have stalked over the blogging world, posted an advent calendar for Christmastime. I am in LOVE with advent calendars and I want one for every month {really this is my goal and Han Solos nightmare!}. I took this goal and decided to start with Valentines Day. 2 years later I accomplished this goal and this year we have finally used my lovely advent calendar. Today I am entering it as 'MY peice of work' for a sewing competition I really want to do. The compition is called "Sew-vivor". I don't know how to put a button in a post but you can find the button with a link on my side bar.
So here is my Valentine's Day Advent Calendar...a knock off of a knock off...but 100% me! {Thank you Abby for the inspiration I always receive from stalking you}
Tomorrow when our newest Chewbabca is not stinky, screaming, and at my feet, I will explain how it works but for now a picture will have to do...for my real work is calling me...litterally. I hope you all enjoy and Happy Valentine's Day!
Monday, January 10, 2011
From Procrastination to NOW
I think that procrastination is part of my genetic code, which enhanced by 3 little girls, one male leach that will have to learn to survive on his own in 10 more weeks (no not my hubbie), a household to run, a preschool to run, dance lessons to teach (which I finally told them, today, I was done till the baby is out MOM), a company to establish with every official and non-official person in the US that FedEx could possibly come up with, and just normal life to maintain, has left this last year of our lives a little chaotic; more so than normal anyway. Well ONE year ago I started this blog as a way for me to bring the balance and focus of my life back to me. It all started here (read if you like), forget about the link if you really could care less =) (Oh, and for all the Heidi's out there reading this...that was SARCASM). Just wanted to note that. Any-who. I chose to do all this because I felt left out and neglected in my own life. I also needed the ability to vent openly about my life and the things that happen around me. So my word last year was ME.
Guess what, it's already 2011 and I need a new word to add onto ME. I just finished my shower, this is where I get all my insight, and a few things crossed my mind. 2010 turned out to be a BIG year for our family. I do not think I saw half of the things coming before they were knocking at my door. Then, I be the spontaneous person I am, instead of looking through the peep hole to prepare myself, I just opened the door to see who was there - BIG MISTAKE, at times. Here is a quick run down.
1. Although we knew we would have to sell our house and move our family across a river to a new state, I do not think we realised what an effect it would have on our girls, our cat (who still hates us for it), and us. I said that it was fine to move from a house to an apartment for a time, but as that time frame keeps extending itself (due to that whole opening the door thing) I have come to realize that it is really hard. I still feel like we have failed in a way although I know that's not true. I feel kinda like a loser and a bad mom when our oldest Ewok tells friends that we have to live in an apartment now. And although I know we did the right thing and are doing the right thing by working harder on eliminating our debt than saving for a house - I often find myself singing "Follow the Prophet, follow the Prophet, follow the Prophet, don't go astray..." (stuck in your head yet) when I am doing bills or really want to go out on a date with Han Solo, or need a new pair house pants because my pair literally has two holes in the yonder regions and that's just not okay. I am however, grateful to have a place to stay that is warm, nice and clean - most of the time.
2. Car troubles, ya gotta love 'em. We own one of our cars and are paying on the other really nice one that the whole family can ride in at once, gotta say it's a perk! But we had to register both said cars in our prior state because our house was not selling and we did not want a ticket. So we did the right thing and registered them. Guess what happened not a month later...YES, we sold our house and moved to a new state. So we paid a butt load of money (in our world) for two months of driving. Then our nice car, the one we all fit in at once, broke down, right before our family trip to California, which we were driving too. Good thing we sold the house and had some money (that was allotted for something completely different). A few grand later and a two months into living in a new state, we find out that here (the new state) they are actually rather particular about new residents registering and licencing their vehicles. We managed to get one done, paid for two new licences, and have now had three notices about our second car - again the nice one - not being registered. (I think it will be done this week however). So my point is that for the years of 2008-2009 we paid a grand total of maybe $250 for our two cars and the regular maintenance they required. In the year of 2010 we paid almost $3000. (Yes there are three zeros there intentionally). Oh, and how can I forget that Han Solo literally lost the engine to his Millennium Falcon (aka his 24 foot FedEx rig), that cost us a pretty penny of $10,000. Which we will be forever in debt for and forever grateful for.
3. The Millennium Falcon leads us to number three which is promotes the question of how can one be grateful for having to come up with $10,000 in 3 days? We because it took Han Solo and I to the Temple. I can not be more grateful for the insights, blessings, and inspirations that I have received while in the Temple of the Lord. Want to learn more about that click here. Han Solo and I had decided, after much prayer and talk that our last little Ewok born in May of 2008. I do not do pregnancy well, I do not glow, Han Solo does not like me so much when I am pregnant and quite honestly I don't like me so much pregnant. I am getting old and really what were the chances of us getting a boy, we are 0-3 in that game. So we had sold everything and I had mentally and physical begun to move one from that phase of my life. Here enters the Temple. Now I didn't say I always got the answers I wanted to get when attending the Temple but I do know that I get the answers I need that will most fully bless me and my family. Have you guessed it. Yeah, the answer to our financial problems was given to us in the form of 'Oh, by the way, your family is NOT complete and you need to address that issue, NOW.' Thanks. Here is the TMI moment so close your eyes if you do not want to know details. But the Temple trip was around May 10th I think, we removed the prevenitive measures we were taking on June 1st and I had a positive pregnancy test before July even hit. I guess the 'NOW' part was just as real as the 'your family is not complete' part. Thanks, where is the breathing room in that.
4. For those that do not know we also packed up and moved out of our house and into our apartment in the first two weeks of July, Han Solo's work Hub moved so he had to figure all that out, we registered our eldest Ewok for Kindergarten, and don't forget the cars, the trip, and enter the vomit stage of what the next nine months of my life will be. YEAH!
5. So we are in a new state and all our info and dealing with everything have to be adjusted. I started with medical because all of a sudden this became a necessity. To make this long story short the Health Care provider we had, BLUE CROSS BLUE SHIELD (take note cause I hate them now!) , for the last 4 years, informed us that the plan were on in our previous state (a whole 47 miles away) does not cover pregnancy's in our new state (apparently popping our a leach here is more expensive than there although I still do all the work and they just catch and hand it over), so I have to "upgrade my coverage." Okay, fine I'll do it...Oh, but that is too easy cause now I am denied coverage for the upgraded plan because, here comes the kicker, of the pre-existing condition of...PREGNANCY. Really people. They were so kind as to offer us a conversion plan which now requires my family to pay $1007 a month to be covered. Really people, we pay $50 more than that for our 3 bedroom apartment. NO worries we are business owners, were rich...NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6. Lets finish off this grip session (cause I am getting tired of hearing the word diarrhea exploding from my own mouth, or finger tips, however you want to look at it) with the fact that we have had to become our own company "which is an easy process that takes little time." BLA BLA BLA. This would take a year just to explain, trust me.
The point is we were hit hard this year. The housing market stole our wise investment profits, this amazing leach has taken over my body and mood, our "baby" was sent to the wolves roaming the halls of public school, our friends left us behind (except for a select few, and I mean few), the Blazers have not produced the wonder Oden and Roy were destined for, Oregon just lost their first game of the greatest season ever and now will be ranked #3 behind TCU, it is 28 degrees out but we have had NO snow to play in this winter, Han Solo who works his butt off (almost literally but not nearly literally enough) and has a whole $4.57 left in our bank until Thursday, I need to make dinner but can only concentrate on NOT vomiting, and it is only JANUARY 11th.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, let me have a better year this year than last. AHHH did I stray? So my word for this year is NOW. I have learned from this last year that there are few things I truly can control. My Ewoks dress themselves, although this is almost a form of public cruelty, I am too fat to bend over and color coordinate the kids dished on the lower shelves, I have not figured out how to make my apartment space function the way our house did...do I need to start all this again...NO. THIS YEAR I WANT TO REGAIN A SENSE OF CONTROL! I am going to do this by focusing on the NOW. Right NOW I need to update the Ewoks chore list and make them follow it again. Right NOW I need to hold FHE and tell the Ewoks our goals for the year, "Clean as you go." Right NOW I need to make a cleaning box to help with that goal. Right NOW I need to finish the sewing projects that are for my new niece who was born this morning. But most importantly RIGHT NOW I need to finish this post and make dinner cause my Ewoks have transformed into Chewbaccas and that's not a good starting point for our night.
Guess what, it's already 2011 and I need a new word to add onto ME. I just finished my shower, this is where I get all my insight, and a few things crossed my mind. 2010 turned out to be a BIG year for our family. I do not think I saw half of the things coming before they were knocking at my door. Then, I be the spontaneous person I am, instead of looking through the peep hole to prepare myself, I just opened the door to see who was there - BIG MISTAKE, at times. Here is a quick run down.
1. Although we knew we would have to sell our house and move our family across a river to a new state, I do not think we realised what an effect it would have on our girls, our cat (who still hates us for it), and us. I said that it was fine to move from a house to an apartment for a time, but as that time frame keeps extending itself (due to that whole opening the door thing) I have come to realize that it is really hard. I still feel like we have failed in a way although I know that's not true. I feel kinda like a loser and a bad mom when our oldest Ewok tells friends that we have to live in an apartment now. And although I know we did the right thing and are doing the right thing by working harder on eliminating our debt than saving for a house - I often find myself singing "Follow the Prophet, follow the Prophet, follow the Prophet, don't go astray..." (stuck in your head yet) when I am doing bills or really want to go out on a date with Han Solo, or need a new pair house pants because my pair literally has two holes in the yonder regions and that's just not okay. I am however, grateful to have a place to stay that is warm, nice and clean - most of the time.
2. Car troubles, ya gotta love 'em. We own one of our cars and are paying on the other really nice one that the whole family can ride in at once, gotta say it's a perk! But we had to register both said cars in our prior state because our house was not selling and we did not want a ticket. So we did the right thing and registered them. Guess what happened not a month later...YES, we sold our house and moved to a new state. So we paid a butt load of money (in our world) for two months of driving. Then our nice car, the one we all fit in at once, broke down, right before our family trip to California, which we were driving too. Good thing we sold the house and had some money (that was allotted for something completely different). A few grand later and a two months into living in a new state, we find out that here (the new state) they are actually rather particular about new residents registering and licencing their vehicles. We managed to get one done, paid for two new licences, and have now had three notices about our second car - again the nice one - not being registered. (I think it will be done this week however). So my point is that for the years of 2008-2009 we paid a grand total of maybe $250 for our two cars and the regular maintenance they required. In the year of 2010 we paid almost $3000. (Yes there are three zeros there intentionally). Oh, and how can I forget that Han Solo literally lost the engine to his Millennium Falcon (aka his 24 foot FedEx rig), that cost us a pretty penny of $10,000. Which we will be forever in debt for and forever grateful for.
3. The Millennium Falcon leads us to number three which is promotes the question of how can one be grateful for having to come up with $10,000 in 3 days? We because it took Han Solo and I to the Temple. I can not be more grateful for the insights, blessings, and inspirations that I have received while in the Temple of the Lord. Want to learn more about that click here. Han Solo and I had decided, after much prayer and talk that our last little Ewok born in May of 2008. I do not do pregnancy well, I do not glow, Han Solo does not like me so much when I am pregnant and quite honestly I don't like me so much pregnant. I am getting old and really what were the chances of us getting a boy, we are 0-3 in that game. So we had sold everything and I had mentally and physical begun to move one from that phase of my life. Here enters the Temple. Now I didn't say I always got the answers I wanted to get when attending the Temple but I do know that I get the answers I need that will most fully bless me and my family. Have you guessed it. Yeah, the answer to our financial problems was given to us in the form of 'Oh, by the way, your family is NOT complete and you need to address that issue, NOW.' Thanks. Here is the TMI moment so close your eyes if you do not want to know details. But the Temple trip was around May 10th I think, we removed the prevenitive measures we were taking on June 1st and I had a positive pregnancy test before July even hit. I guess the 'NOW' part was just as real as the 'your family is not complete' part. Thanks, where is the breathing room in that.
4. For those that do not know we also packed up and moved out of our house and into our apartment in the first two weeks of July, Han Solo's work Hub moved so he had to figure all that out, we registered our eldest Ewok for Kindergarten, and don't forget the cars, the trip, and enter the vomit stage of what the next nine months of my life will be. YEAH!
5. So we are in a new state and all our info and dealing with everything have to be adjusted. I started with medical because all of a sudden this became a necessity. To make this long story short the Health Care provider we had, BLUE CROSS BLUE SHIELD (take note cause I hate them now!) , for the last 4 years, informed us that the plan were on in our previous state (a whole 47 miles away) does not cover pregnancy's in our new state (apparently popping our a leach here is more expensive than there although I still do all the work and they just catch and hand it over), so I have to "upgrade my coverage." Okay, fine I'll do it...Oh, but that is too easy cause now I am denied coverage for the upgraded plan because, here comes the kicker, of the pre-existing condition of...PREGNANCY. Really people. They were so kind as to offer us a conversion plan which now requires my family to pay $1007 a month to be covered. Really people, we pay $50 more than that for our 3 bedroom apartment. NO worries we are business owners, were rich...NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6. Lets finish off this grip session (cause I am getting tired of hearing the word diarrhea exploding from my own mouth, or finger tips, however you want to look at it) with the fact that we have had to become our own company "which is an easy process that takes little time." BLA BLA BLA. This would take a year just to explain, trust me.
The point is we were hit hard this year. The housing market stole our wise investment profits, this amazing leach has taken over my body and mood, our "baby" was sent to the wolves roaming the halls of public school, our friends left us behind (except for a select few, and I mean few), the Blazers have not produced the wonder Oden and Roy were destined for, Oregon just lost their first game of the greatest season ever and now will be ranked #3 behind TCU, it is 28 degrees out but we have had NO snow to play in this winter, Han Solo who works his butt off (almost literally but not nearly literally enough) and has a whole $4.57 left in our bank until Thursday, I need to make dinner but can only concentrate on NOT vomiting, and it is only JANUARY 11th.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, let me have a better year this year than last. AHHH did I stray? So my word for this year is NOW. I have learned from this last year that there are few things I truly can control. My Ewoks dress themselves, although this is almost a form of public cruelty, I am too fat to bend over and color coordinate the kids dished on the lower shelves, I have not figured out how to make my apartment space function the way our house did...do I need to start all this again...NO. THIS YEAR I WANT TO REGAIN A SENSE OF CONTROL! I am going to do this by focusing on the NOW. Right NOW I need to update the Ewoks chore list and make them follow it again. Right NOW I need to hold FHE and tell the Ewoks our goals for the year, "Clean as you go." Right NOW I need to make a cleaning box to help with that goal. Right NOW I need to finish the sewing projects that are for my new niece who was born this morning. But most importantly RIGHT NOW I need to finish this post and make dinner cause my Ewoks have transformed into Chewbaccas and that's not a good starting point for our night.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
A Note about the NOTs
So once again it has been a while. Have I not had any rants and raves? Ahhh...as that hilarious commercial says...did the piggy cry WEEEEEEEEEEEE all the way home? OF COURSE. I just have not had the time, energy, or desire, really to get on the computer and document any of it.
This blog has always been for me a place for honesty without the fear of offending anyone, cause only a few dear friends even know about it. Well in light of that I just want to put it on record that I am NOT happy in my new town. I do NOT like living in an apartment with three young girls a cat and a handsome man with rather large feet. I do NOT like my current state of being (prego and fat), I do not like the idea of having to fit another person (little or not) into the apartment. I do NOT like that we are no closer to getting out of debt as the car did not pass inspection in our new state, I have to pay for a ob to look at me and say hey you are still pregant and you are getting fat (Have I mentioned that I feel and look fat), our middle ewok has gotten a huge bacterial infection that we have to pay for, our tax refund was rejected, I have been rejected from my own insurance company because now that I am in a new state my pregancy becomes a pre-existing condition with the new state division of my SAME insurance company (Blue Cross Blue Sheild in case anyone wants someone new to hate) and we have to incorporate our business which will cost money, of course. Did I mention its almost time to pay taxes. I do NOT like the fact that I have no friends in walking distance and litteraly know 5 people in this entire city. On the upside I DO LOVE that my two dearest friends still make an effort to come see me. THANK YOU NANCY FOR THE DRIVE AND ANDREA FOR PUTTING UP WITH THIS IN PERSON. I do NOT like the fact that I can not be close to JoLynn to help with the boys and normal girl coaching. I do NOT like the fact that we rarley and I mean rarley see gary for more than an hour of the day.
You know what is really sad. I am so depressed about, I was going to erase that and say something different because depressed is a strong word I thought I had conqured this last year, but the honesty thing right, things that are around me right now that I haven't even had the desire to go look at eye candy at Craft Wearhouse or the local quilt store I found. I have not been in a JoAnns in months and my room of joy is a messy blunder. I feel like I am back to square one....Okay even capturing all this has made me gloomy. I am done now, maybe I will work on my room for a bit.
This blog has always been for me a place for honesty without the fear of offending anyone, cause only a few dear friends even know about it. Well in light of that I just want to put it on record that I am NOT happy in my new town. I do NOT like living in an apartment with three young girls a cat and a handsome man with rather large feet. I do NOT like my current state of being (prego and fat), I do not like the idea of having to fit another person (little or not) into the apartment. I do NOT like that we are no closer to getting out of debt as the car did not pass inspection in our new state, I have to pay for a ob to look at me and say hey you are still pregant and you are getting fat (Have I mentioned that I feel and look fat), our middle ewok has gotten a huge bacterial infection that we have to pay for, our tax refund was rejected, I have been rejected from my own insurance company because now that I am in a new state my pregancy becomes a pre-existing condition with the new state division of my SAME insurance company (Blue Cross Blue Sheild in case anyone wants someone new to hate) and we have to incorporate our business which will cost money, of course. Did I mention its almost time to pay taxes. I do NOT like the fact that I have no friends in walking distance and litteraly know 5 people in this entire city. On the upside I DO LOVE that my two dearest friends still make an effort to come see me. THANK YOU NANCY FOR THE DRIVE AND ANDREA FOR PUTTING UP WITH THIS IN PERSON. I do NOT like the fact that I can not be close to JoLynn to help with the boys and normal girl coaching. I do NOT like the fact that we rarley and I mean rarley see gary for more than an hour of the day.
You know what is really sad. I am so depressed about, I was going to erase that and say something different because depressed is a strong word I thought I had conqured this last year, but the honesty thing right, things that are around me right now that I haven't even had the desire to go look at eye candy at Craft Wearhouse or the local quilt store I found. I have not been in a JoAnns in months and my room of joy is a messy blunder. I feel like I am back to square one....Okay even capturing all this has made me gloomy. I am done now, maybe I will work on my room for a bit.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Okay, it has been a while. The one thing that I have noticed is that when things get really hard, there is always something eles or someone eles that needs an extra hand too! Why is that? Well, I'll give you the gospel answer; you will find joy and peace in serving others.
I know, I know, ya gotta love "Sunday School Answers" BUT, for me this is true. If I am having a very hard time I really do spiritually enjoy serving my friends and family. Sadly my family actually...probably...most-likely gets the short end of the stick, but others do not. I have now move from a house I thought I was not attached too, to an apartment I pray to love. Funny how things work. In the last few weeks before moving a dearest friend also was setting out on a move. Much bigger, grander and more life altering than mine. I miss her and yet I have not called her. I feel very guilty about that. I was overwhelmed as she was leaving and yet her faith and challenges provided a sense of reality for me. She litterally sold everything, EVERYTHING, she owed that would not fit in her car. It tore her up, I could see it although she would not admit it. Her and her husband crossed the country to live with his failing mother. Yes, they were going to help his mother but also it was because they could not make it on thier own right now. There was little work and even less support. Sometimes I felt like I supported them a lot, maybe too much, but in reality, they supported me. They gave back so much love and kindness. My children loved them, I love them, and I miss them as local friends. I MISS SERVING THEM TOO!
My mom recently gave my girls a new book "Service," written by Janeen Brady. In this sweet story the mom teaches her children that through service you learn to love those you serve. It is so very true! I am glad that I enjoy service, even if it comes at the most in-oppertune times in my life. I am grateful that I have come to love so many by serving them.
I am not sure why I am rambling on about this, but perhapse it is because my kids are not adjusting to our new home as well as I would have hoped. There are still so many boxes and things to find a place for (the dumpster and goodwill have been the two most common places). I litterally just went grocery shopping for the first time in almost 3 weeks, for anything (unless you count Mc Donalds and Taco Bell as a grocery store) and I am feeling depressed, lonely, and at odds with my life. What I think it all means is that I am about to meet someone who needs more love and service than I do. So I guess reallly this is a little reminder not to me: Lady, DO NOT complain, you need this, find peace and joy through serivce, and learn to love someone new.
"And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God." (Mosiah 2:17)
I know, I know, ya gotta love "Sunday School Answers" BUT, for me this is true. If I am having a very hard time I really do spiritually enjoy serving my friends and family. Sadly my family actually...probably...most-likely gets the short end of the stick, but others do not. I have now move from a house I thought I was not attached too, to an apartment I pray to love. Funny how things work. In the last few weeks before moving a dearest friend also was setting out on a move. Much bigger, grander and more life altering than mine. I miss her and yet I have not called her. I feel very guilty about that. I was overwhelmed as she was leaving and yet her faith and challenges provided a sense of reality for me. She litterally sold everything, EVERYTHING, she owed that would not fit in her car. It tore her up, I could see it although she would not admit it. Her and her husband crossed the country to live with his failing mother. Yes, they were going to help his mother but also it was because they could not make it on thier own right now. There was little work and even less support. Sometimes I felt like I supported them a lot, maybe too much, but in reality, they supported me. They gave back so much love and kindness. My children loved them, I love them, and I miss them as local friends. I MISS SERVING THEM TOO!
My mom recently gave my girls a new book "Service," written by Janeen Brady. In this sweet story the mom teaches her children that through service you learn to love those you serve. It is so very true! I am glad that I enjoy service, even if it comes at the most in-oppertune times in my life. I am grateful that I have come to love so many by serving them.
I am not sure why I am rambling on about this, but perhapse it is because my kids are not adjusting to our new home as well as I would have hoped. There are still so many boxes and things to find a place for (the dumpster and goodwill have been the two most common places). I litterally just went grocery shopping for the first time in almost 3 weeks, for anything (unless you count Mc Donalds and Taco Bell as a grocery store) and I am feeling depressed, lonely, and at odds with my life. What I think it all means is that I am about to meet someone who needs more love and service than I do. So I guess reallly this is a little reminder not to me: Lady, DO NOT complain, you need this, find peace and joy through serivce, and learn to love someone new.
"And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God." (Mosiah 2:17)
Friday, June 11, 2010
"Life is made of moments, small pieces of silver amidst long stretches of tedium. It would be wonderful if they came to us unsummoned, but particularly in lives as busy as the ones most of us lead now, that won't happen. We have to teach ourselves now to live, really live...to love the journey, not the destination." ANNA QUINDLEN
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Dealing with the Hard Stuff
Do you have Hard Stuff in your life? Uh, duh! But what is hard? And is hard the same thing today as it was yesterday - Oh, and will tomorrow be harder? The topic for our May meeting was "Dealing with the Hard Stuff." There were some great pointers in it and wonderful questions that made you pause and think. I also loved, absolutely loved, the analogy that was used. Here it is, in random clips from the article:
"Envision {yourself} on the ocean, riding the waves of pain up and down, letting them wash over {you}, accepting the up and downs as part of a beautiful process...You're riding the waves and they just keep coming - the hard stuff, the good stuff, the hard stuff, the good stuff...storms are mediated by the beauty of a friendship unfolding between you and your child and the pride of seeing a unique individual emerge...Every day, every week, every year, each stage of motherhood brings new challenges - and new joys. Just like the waves on the ocean never stop but never last, the waves of joy and pain in motherhood just keep coming. Waves can get big and push us down to the point that we sometimes wonder if we can get back up. But when we keep our heads up, keep treading water with all the hope and love we can muster, and trust that there is peace on the other side of each storm, we make it through again and again, becoming stronger all the while...You can't become the strong and patient and knowledgeable mother you want to be or raise the resilient and wonderful children you dream of without the waves of trails and joy that stretch and grow you and bind hearts together." {Saren Loosli}
Is that not just beautiful!
I have had my fair share of hard days as a mother. I have been completely overwhelmed by tiny things and huge things. I have had days where I have been crying on the toilet, crying in the corner of the kitchen, and crying on my knees in prayer. I have had bad days. Now this is not to say that my children are awful, or my life is unbearable hard. They are great kids, and I live a really really good life. I have a dear friend {who's only daughter is a few days younger than my oldest -5} and she has to deal with the fact she most likely will out-live her daughter. My sister-in-law was only given 24 hours to share with her daughter, before her little girl was taken back to Heavenly Father. I have friends who have fought tooth and nail to adopt children, who have children that struggle with allergies and disabilities. My days are not filled with these problems, BUT, my days have their problems. So how do we as mothers deal with the "Hard Stuff"?
When we are really stressed out what do we do? Do we yell? Use an angry voice? Slam things around? Cry? Shut down, threaten to run away...RUN and pretend that we are running away? What do you do? I cry. I put my clogging shoes on and dance very angry-ly on my deck. I have an 'angry voice' {as my girls call it} and I use it well. Do I like that I do all this? No, not all of it. But you have to have an outlet. There has to be some way that I can deal with my anger and stress, yet in a positive manner that will portray to my children {and husband when the moment calls for it} that the actions that just took place are not okay, or were the last straw added to my aching back. So how do we get through those moments? How do we turn our anger into positive reinforcement? How do we find "Joy in the Journey" when the obstacles that line the pathway appear overwhelming?
I find that when I am battling with the physical projection of my frustrations, if I can sing a children's hymn {normally that is because they are short and to the point} I can refocus on how I want to handle the situation. Now, I do not stop everything going on around me, stand up on the table, and bellow out the verses; but they do run through my mind, tune and all. It calms me and focuses me. This was the question that I came to the group with last night. I wanted to know what other people do in the heat of the moment to keep from losing control. I did not get very many answers, maybe I did not state my question right, but there were a few good ideas. One lady said that she literally takes a breath. This might sound basic but I like it. I hold my breath and bit my lip, but maybe I should just stop and audibly breath. Make a nice loud draw-in and a calming woosh-out. Just doing it right here and now, relaxes my shoulders a bit. One lady said she says a prayer. I do this sort of, but I can not pray in the moment. I like to come to prayer with my thoughts in order and trust me when I am in the moment of a meltdown in a public store, my thoughts are not in a cohesive order. So maybe that is something I can try. I do think that if I prepare for the meltdowns, breakdowns, battle of wills and other such things that plague my life right now, I will be able to better control my outward emotions.
"This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now."
"Envision {yourself} on the ocean, riding the waves of pain up and down, letting them wash over {you}, accepting the up and downs as part of a beautiful process...You're riding the waves and they just keep coming - the hard stuff, the good stuff, the hard stuff, the good stuff...storms are mediated by the beauty of a friendship unfolding between you and your child and the pride of seeing a unique individual emerge...Every day, every week, every year, each stage of motherhood brings new challenges - and new joys. Just like the waves on the ocean never stop but never last, the waves of joy and pain in motherhood just keep coming. Waves can get big and push us down to the point that we sometimes wonder if we can get back up. But when we keep our heads up, keep treading water with all the hope and love we can muster, and trust that there is peace on the other side of each storm, we make it through again and again, becoming stronger all the while...You can't become the strong and patient and knowledgeable mother you want to be or raise the resilient and wonderful children you dream of without the waves of trails and joy that stretch and grow you and bind hearts together." {Saren Loosli}
Is that not just beautiful!
I have had my fair share of hard days as a mother. I have been completely overwhelmed by tiny things and huge things. I have had days where I have been crying on the toilet, crying in the corner of the kitchen, and crying on my knees in prayer. I have had bad days. Now this is not to say that my children are awful, or my life is unbearable hard. They are great kids, and I live a really really good life. I have a dear friend {who's only daughter is a few days younger than my oldest -5} and she has to deal with the fact she most likely will out-live her daughter. My sister-in-law was only given 24 hours to share with her daughter, before her little girl was taken back to Heavenly Father. I have friends who have fought tooth and nail to adopt children, who have children that struggle with allergies and disabilities. My days are not filled with these problems, BUT, my days have their problems. So how do we as mothers deal with the "Hard Stuff"?
When we are really stressed out what do we do? Do we yell? Use an angry voice? Slam things around? Cry? Shut down, threaten to run away...RUN and pretend that we are running away? What do you do? I cry. I put my clogging shoes on and dance very angry-ly on my deck. I have an 'angry voice' {as my girls call it} and I use it well. Do I like that I do all this? No, not all of it. But you have to have an outlet. There has to be some way that I can deal with my anger and stress, yet in a positive manner that will portray to my children {and husband when the moment calls for it} that the actions that just took place are not okay, or were the last straw added to my aching back. So how do we get through those moments? How do we turn our anger into positive reinforcement? How do we find "Joy in the Journey" when the obstacles that line the pathway appear overwhelming?
I find that when I am battling with the physical projection of my frustrations, if I can sing a children's hymn {normally that is because they are short and to the point} I can refocus on how I want to handle the situation. Now, I do not stop everything going on around me, stand up on the table, and bellow out the verses; but they do run through my mind, tune and all. It calms me and focuses me. This was the question that I came to the group with last night. I wanted to know what other people do in the heat of the moment to keep from losing control. I did not get very many answers, maybe I did not state my question right, but there were a few good ideas. One lady said that she literally takes a breath. This might sound basic but I like it. I hold my breath and bit my lip, but maybe I should just stop and audibly breath. Make a nice loud draw-in and a calming woosh-out. Just doing it right here and now, relaxes my shoulders a bit. One lady said she says a prayer. I do this sort of, but I can not pray in the moment. I like to come to prayer with my thoughts in order and trust me when I am in the moment of a meltdown in a public store, my thoughts are not in a cohesive order. So maybe that is something I can try. I do think that if I prepare for the meltdowns, breakdowns, battle of wills and other such things that plague my life right now, I will be able to better control my outward emotions.
The column gave us 7 tips/reminders to make it through the "Hard Stuff"
(1) Accept that life is hard
(2) Learn from the hard stuff
(3) Acknowledge that EVERY job has it's hard parts
(4) Speak positively to yourself {and I will add- to your family members}
(4) Speak positively to yourself {and I will add- to your family members}
(5) Manage your expectations
(6) Learn to focus on the good
(7) It's okay to be frustrated & overwhelmed sometimes
This column was a nice reminder and check point for me. It made me stop and think. I do not want to slam cupboard doors. I do not want to be known for my "angry voice." I do not want to spank my children or throw away a toy just to make them mad. I want to be calm and loving as I teach them the right way to act. I want to live in the moment and not fret over when the next meltdown might occur. I know that when I do bills I get ornery and so I drink a soda or a cup of hot cocoa and put on a show for the girls to make the environment better. One thing I really liked in the article was this statement; "When you encounter hard times, don't waste your energy worrying about how hard it is - just deal with what needs to be dealt with and march through." Heavenly Father never told us that this was going to be easy but He did promise us that we would find a joy and sweetness above all others, if we endure to the end. I will finish with a quote from the Prophet of God, Thomas S. Monson {it's found in the talk I linked up earlier}.
"This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now."
Friday, May 28, 2010
The Perfect Mom
This month our little group got off schedule and so there will be two post. Here is the breakdown of the topic for the column we read and discussed this month, "The Perfect Mom" by Allyson Reynolds. It was a very good column that focuses on the idea that there is NOT a "perfect" mom and if you are attaining to become such, well, just let me know when you get there! I wrote down all sorts of notes and did a little mommy-soul searching.
What I came to realize is that overall I am doing a good job as a mother. I know the "things" that I let go so that I can accomplish other "things" and in reality I am glad I am able to do this. One of the questions proposed in the group discussion asks you to name qualities of other women you know that you wish you could have. I have a few moms on pedal stools in my mind and these are the qualities I would like to acquire or improve upon; humility, service, confidence, time for myself, and better control of my frustrations. I would love to never raise my voice at my children, but I will justify it with the fact that there are three of them and I have to make sure I am heard...right?!? I was the host this month and so I was able to lead the discussion. I asked everyone if they would not mind going around the room and tell each person a quality that they admired about them. Some people found it awkward, but we made it around our circle and can I just say it was great! I felt like people were able to pick qualities that they saw in these fine women and acknowledge them for their strengths and efforts. We as moms, don't get that very much, and so I feel it really lifted the spirits of our group, at least I hope it did, that was the point.
Another part of the column provided a quote by one of my favorite people, M. Russell Ballard; "There is no perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else." How can you not love that statement! Read his amazing talk "Daughters of God" to further uplift you and to remember what your role as a woman, mother and wife truly is.
Can you tell there were few questions this month. So, another point brought up was that life too, is not perfect. it is more like a train ride. The following quote is by Jenkin Lloyd Jones. "Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed. {The fact is} most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise....Life is like an old-time rail journey- delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling burst of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride." After reading this quote we were encouraged to write down our missed putts and our beautiful vistas. I wanted to take it a step further {does that really surprise any of you? - didn't think so}. So I decided that missed putts were the negatives or challenges in my life that I had control over and the tough meat were those that I do not have control over. The same goes for the good, where the burst of speed are created by me and the beautiful vistas are just there for me to enjoy.
What I came to realize is that overall I am doing a good job as a mother. I know the "things" that I let go so that I can accomplish other "things" and in reality I am glad I am able to do this. One of the questions proposed in the group discussion asks you to name qualities of other women you know that you wish you could have. I have a few moms on pedal stools in my mind and these are the qualities I would like to acquire or improve upon; humility, service, confidence, time for myself, and better control of my frustrations. I would love to never raise my voice at my children, but I will justify it with the fact that there are three of them and I have to make sure I am heard...right?!? I was the host this month and so I was able to lead the discussion. I asked everyone if they would not mind going around the room and tell each person a quality that they admired about them. Some people found it awkward, but we made it around our circle and can I just say it was great! I felt like people were able to pick qualities that they saw in these fine women and acknowledge them for their strengths and efforts. We as moms, don't get that very much, and so I feel it really lifted the spirits of our group, at least I hope it did, that was the point.
Another part of the column provided a quote by one of my favorite people, M. Russell Ballard; "There is no perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else." How can you not love that statement! Read his amazing talk "Daughters of God" to further uplift you and to remember what your role as a woman, mother and wife truly is.
Can you tell there were few questions this month. So, another point brought up was that life too, is not perfect. it is more like a train ride. The following quote is by Jenkin Lloyd Jones. "Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed. {The fact is} most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise....Life is like an old-time rail journey- delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling burst of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride." After reading this quote we were encouraged to write down our missed putts and our beautiful vistas. I wanted to take it a step further {does that really surprise any of you? - didn't think so}. So I decided that missed putts were the negatives or challenges in my life that I had control over and the tough meat were those that I do not have control over. The same goes for the good, where the burst of speed are created by me and the beautiful vistas are just there for me to enjoy.
Missed Putts
financial difficulties
lack of current self-worth / confidence
my hair
lack of diligence in scripture study
lack of diligence in Temple attendance
Tough Meat
Truck engine blew up
lousy housing market
Burst of Speed
Total Money Makeover
house looks great
budget is hard but working out to the penny
enjoying our last year in Oregon
Beautiful Vistas
the girls
summer time is here
my hubbie has a calling that gives us so many blessings
enjoying Ansley's last year being home 24/7
So there are mine. What are yours? The point of this exercise for me was to understand what the meat, putts, speed, and views were to me right now. When I had it written out on paper, the bad did not seem as daunting as they really were. I also realized that I had more good than bad. The goal is to shift my daily point of view to the positive and away from the negatives. It really does work when you can do it.
So the exercise concludes with a little pick me up moment where you get to brag a bit to yourself about what you feel you are good at as a mother. I love the idea of focusing on the good and so I am going to list what I think are my strengths. Please don't think I am gloating this is for me and I would encourage you to do it for yourself too.
I get my girls outdoors a lot
I balance my time well so that I spend more time playing with my girls than
cleaning or doing chores {yes, my floor could always use a sweep but I don't care}
I capture, collect, and record our days together
I include the girls in all sorts of activities
I allow them to be little girls, to run, explore and grow up at their own
pace {I do not have a hidden agenda for them}
I enjoy to cuddle with them, read with them, and embrace bonding time
my strengths are that I am
creative
outdoor-ies
open to new ideas and experiences
teachable
patient
organized
consistent
friendly
I came out from this meeting feeling happy about me and what I have been doing for my girls. I know that when I have a positive attitude it affects Han Solo and our entire little planet. We I get down on my knees and thank my father in heaven for all I have been given I realized that being a mother is the hardest but greatest calling of life. Here are two more quotes that I want to include.
"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a visions for tomorrow." -Melody Beattie
"I am impressed by countless mothers who have learned how important it is to focus on the things that can only be done in a particular season of life. If a child lives with parents for 18 or 19 years, that span is only one-fourth of a parent's life. And the most formative time of all, the early years in a child's life, represents less than one-tenth of a parent's normal life. It is crucial to focus on our children for the short time we have them with us and to seek, with the help of the Lord, to teach them all we can before they leave our homes." -M. Russell Ballard
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
A Breakdown of Success
There are many times in my travels though motherhood when I feel that I have made a wrong choice. Times when I have allowed my anger to control my actions and or my voice. Times when I have wanted to give up, times when I have locked my own windows and doors and hid my keys so I could not give up and run. I have three girls. Emotions are pretty high in this little household and as the years go on I am pretty darn sure they are going to get even higher. With that being said I must add to my pile the fact that I am a passionate person and I think my daughters have received that gift from me. The problem with passion is that if you can not learn to control it, it will control you. In the same way that I link the words, charity, hope, and love; I link passion, stubbornness, and anger. If you are passionate about something you often are stubborn about that very same thing and when you allow your passion and stubbornness to mix in a volatile situation, well, the result is anger. Anger is not always bad. Uncontrolled anger that spews from every pore of your body however, rarely ends good for anyone.
This week I found myself in two very volatile situations:
Solution one contained the following mixture; a five and a half year old girl, a fun but long morning, a warm beautiful afternoon (not so bad thus far huh...), a shopping trip for summer clothes, and one shirt. So, my eldest was in a major need of clothing appropriate for summer. Our problem is that we hold certain standards of modesty that the world has yet to embrace. Who really wants their five year old to look like they are thirteen anyway? I could write a whole piece on this subject matter, so maybe I will - another day. It is very difficult to find clothing that has any length of sleeves attached to it for the summer. So, I started my quest at a favorite children's store, where there was a sale going on and I had a coupon for an additional 30% off my entire purchase. I set the kids in front the tv provided (sorry all you good moms, there are times when I will use it as a babysitter and this is one of them), and started digging in the sale racks. I had some good finds. I loaded up my arms called for my eldest and headed to the little changing room that is no more than a curtain on a rod about one foot away from the tv. Well my overly shy, emotional, and tired five year old went into freak-out mode when I asked her to take off her top shirt but leave on the tank top that was underneath (the curtain was close all but for a slit that I was standing against, so that I was outside the curtain and she was within). Enter said FREAK-OUT! All of a sudden she decided that her world would cease to spin if that shirt was to be pulled over her head. I felt I handled the breakdown well within the store. (1) I tried to reason with her, 'just lift your arms up and I'll pull it off' (2) I half-way threatened her with the idea that we could not get new clothes if she did not try them on (3) I bargained with her and said I would take her to the bathroom to take it off. All 3 attempts failed. So I took the clothes to the sales lady and asked her to hold them for the next two hours. Then I walked my little troupe down to the public bathrooms where I again tried to take the shirt off. NOT A CHANCE! So out comes the threat: "We are going home if you do not take this shirt off right now!" Through her passionate sobs I drag her back to the car (afraid all the while that I will be accused of child abuse, it's happened before) with my other ducks in tow and drive home. Once at home (after quite a lecture of which she heard very little through her screams and the fact that she had her hands smashed against her ears, least the evil might seep in), I take her inside and again give her a chance to take the shirt off- to no avail. In my mind the notion that this shopping trip must be done today and right now has overwhelmed the reasonable thoughts that are telling me to back down and choose a different battle to fight. And so the battle of wills begins. She is out of control at this point (actually she has been uncontrollable sense we left the store) and I am quickly giving up my control to frustration which is be emitted as anger. The end result is that in my attempt to remove the shirt from her body and her attempts to yank it back onto her body the shirt literally rips. You know how you have certain outfits of your children's that you just love, well this was one of mine, so my heart sinks at the sound. She however sees it as an opportunity to get the shirt off in another way and tears at the rip, stretches hers arms out wide, and before I can let go the shirt is literally ripped off of her little body. RIPPED OFF. Shredded up the left side. I was so angry that I had nothing left. I sank to the floor and sobbed, which in effect freaked her out more than anything and she came running over to apologize while trying to hug me. Here I feel like I failed. Now we did go back and ironically found many great items and stayed under my budget, but I do not see it as a success.
Today, just prior to starting this I was given a second chance. Solution two contained the following mixture; a three year old, a long day, a lot of rain and little chance to play outside, an afternoon filled with friends touching her toys, a dinner that she did not like, and a tired mom. So, our middle daughter was crying about wanting, wanting, wanting, dessert (a banana bar, really frozen yogurt) before dinner. To this I said NO about thirty times. She was finally told to sit on the couch and not move till I finished getting dinner on the table. Well, she began to fall asleep (a very bad thing at this time of night about, 5:38). So her dad rolled her over and told her to stay awake. Apparently that was a mistake. Full on war ensued. She wanted a banana, she wanted juice, she wanted to eat on the couch not at the table, she wanted wanted wanted but definitely did NOT want to listen. This one loses control often and she needs a shock to come back to life. I know it sounds evil but that shock for her is about 2 seconds of a cold shower. So that's what she got. But tonight, not even that was going to make the world spin again. I told her I would give her one more chance to calm down and go eat or she was going off to bed. I finally got her to the table with the promise of a banana along with her dinner. I thought we had made it until I turned and watched the freshly peeled banana begin to break at the middle and start its heartbreakingly slow decent to the floor. This happened in the whole of one second but I saw my evening flash before my eyes. Out came the uncontrollable sobs again and all control was lost. I went so far as to offer her Sprite with dinner thinking it would (1) make her happy and (2) keep her awake at least till 7:30 so the night would not be shot. No luck. I picked her up out of her chair and walked upstairs to her room resolved to stay calm and hold her till she just fell asleep. As I laid there with my legs draped over her lower limbs, my right arm under her head, and my left arm was across her chest to keep her from hitting and scratching my face (cause she is really good at it and it hurts really bad, not to mention the marks it leaves), I started to pray. The music was playing and all I could do was pray.
I prayed for patience, for more love, and a longer fuse. I prayed that my girls would learn to control their emotions and learn how create a longer fuse for their time bombs. Of course I prayed that all this would happened in the next few moments, although I knew that this would be learnt throughout their lives so that when they were moms and they had moments like these, they could choose the right, and be in control. As I have become a mom I have learned that I have a hard time allowing my children to win battles. I have learned to create a longer fuse to my bombs and I have learn things that help me keep control over the emotions that I emit in such situations. Tonight, I was in control. I was calm and collected as she thrashed under me. I kissed her and stroked her hair. I prayed for her and for me. I did not worry or get angry about the fact that I had to now reheat my dinner and eat alone. I did not fume and allow the knowledge that this time lost for her and me, from dad tonight could not be recaptured. I worried only a little, about what our new neighbor might be hearing through the walls and how she would perceive it. Best of all when she did fall asleep in my arms with her head nestled in my chest holding my hand rather than trying to scratch it off, I felt good. I succeeded tonight. I did not win the battle, but I choose the right.
This week I found myself in two very volatile situations:
Solution one contained the following mixture; a five and a half year old girl, a fun but long morning, a warm beautiful afternoon (not so bad thus far huh...), a shopping trip for summer clothes, and one shirt. So, my eldest was in a major need of clothing appropriate for summer. Our problem is that we hold certain standards of modesty that the world has yet to embrace. Who really wants their five year old to look like they are thirteen anyway? I could write a whole piece on this subject matter, so maybe I will - another day. It is very difficult to find clothing that has any length of sleeves attached to it for the summer. So, I started my quest at a favorite children's store, where there was a sale going on and I had a coupon for an additional 30% off my entire purchase. I set the kids in front the tv provided (sorry all you good moms, there are times when I will use it as a babysitter and this is one of them), and started digging in the sale racks. I had some good finds. I loaded up my arms called for my eldest and headed to the little changing room that is no more than a curtain on a rod about one foot away from the tv. Well my overly shy, emotional, and tired five year old went into freak-out mode when I asked her to take off her top shirt but leave on the tank top that was underneath (the curtain was close all but for a slit that I was standing against, so that I was outside the curtain and she was within). Enter said FREAK-OUT! All of a sudden she decided that her world would cease to spin if that shirt was to be pulled over her head. I felt I handled the breakdown well within the store. (1) I tried to reason with her, 'just lift your arms up and I'll pull it off' (2) I half-way threatened her with the idea that we could not get new clothes if she did not try them on (3) I bargained with her and said I would take her to the bathroom to take it off. All 3 attempts failed. So I took the clothes to the sales lady and asked her to hold them for the next two hours. Then I walked my little troupe down to the public bathrooms where I again tried to take the shirt off. NOT A CHANCE! So out comes the threat: "We are going home if you do not take this shirt off right now!" Through her passionate sobs I drag her back to the car (afraid all the while that I will be accused of child abuse, it's happened before) with my other ducks in tow and drive home. Once at home (after quite a lecture of which she heard very little through her screams and the fact that she had her hands smashed against her ears, least the evil might seep in), I take her inside and again give her a chance to take the shirt off- to no avail. In my mind the notion that this shopping trip must be done today and right now has overwhelmed the reasonable thoughts that are telling me to back down and choose a different battle to fight. And so the battle of wills begins. She is out of control at this point (actually she has been uncontrollable sense we left the store) and I am quickly giving up my control to frustration which is be emitted as anger. The end result is that in my attempt to remove the shirt from her body and her attempts to yank it back onto her body the shirt literally rips. You know how you have certain outfits of your children's that you just love, well this was one of mine, so my heart sinks at the sound. She however sees it as an opportunity to get the shirt off in another way and tears at the rip, stretches hers arms out wide, and before I can let go the shirt is literally ripped off of her little body. RIPPED OFF. Shredded up the left side. I was so angry that I had nothing left. I sank to the floor and sobbed, which in effect freaked her out more than anything and she came running over to apologize while trying to hug me. Here I feel like I failed. Now we did go back and ironically found many great items and stayed under my budget, but I do not see it as a success.
Today, just prior to starting this I was given a second chance. Solution two contained the following mixture; a three year old, a long day, a lot of rain and little chance to play outside, an afternoon filled with friends touching her toys, a dinner that she did not like, and a tired mom. So, our middle daughter was crying about wanting, wanting, wanting, dessert (a banana bar, really frozen yogurt) before dinner. To this I said NO about thirty times. She was finally told to sit on the couch and not move till I finished getting dinner on the table. Well, she began to fall asleep (a very bad thing at this time of night about, 5:38). So her dad rolled her over and told her to stay awake. Apparently that was a mistake. Full on war ensued. She wanted a banana, she wanted juice, she wanted to eat on the couch not at the table, she wanted wanted wanted but definitely did NOT want to listen. This one loses control often and she needs a shock to come back to life. I know it sounds evil but that shock for her is about 2 seconds of a cold shower. So that's what she got. But tonight, not even that was going to make the world spin again. I told her I would give her one more chance to calm down and go eat or she was going off to bed. I finally got her to the table with the promise of a banana along with her dinner. I thought we had made it until I turned and watched the freshly peeled banana begin to break at the middle and start its heartbreakingly slow decent to the floor. This happened in the whole of one second but I saw my evening flash before my eyes. Out came the uncontrollable sobs again and all control was lost. I went so far as to offer her Sprite with dinner thinking it would (1) make her happy and (2) keep her awake at least till 7:30 so the night would not be shot. No luck. I picked her up out of her chair and walked upstairs to her room resolved to stay calm and hold her till she just fell asleep. As I laid there with my legs draped over her lower limbs, my right arm under her head, and my left arm was across her chest to keep her from hitting and scratching my face (cause she is really good at it and it hurts really bad, not to mention the marks it leaves), I started to pray. The music was playing and all I could do was pray.
I prayed for patience, for more love, and a longer fuse. I prayed that my girls would learn to control their emotions and learn how create a longer fuse for their time bombs. Of course I prayed that all this would happened in the next few moments, although I knew that this would be learnt throughout their lives so that when they were moms and they had moments like these, they could choose the right, and be in control. As I have become a mom I have learned that I have a hard time allowing my children to win battles. I have learned to create a longer fuse to my bombs and I have learn things that help me keep control over the emotions that I emit in such situations. Tonight, I was in control. I was calm and collected as she thrashed under me. I kissed her and stroked her hair. I prayed for her and for me. I did not worry or get angry about the fact that I had to now reheat my dinner and eat alone. I did not fume and allow the knowledge that this time lost for her and me, from dad tonight could not be recaptured. I worried only a little, about what our new neighbor might be hearing through the walls and how she would perceive it. Best of all when she did fall asleep in my arms with her head nestled in my chest holding my hand rather than trying to scratch it off, I felt good. I succeeded tonight. I did not win the battle, but I choose the right.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
"I HATE YOU! GET OUT! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FACES AGAIN!" Wow do those words carry a punch when they come out of the mouth of your sweet and beautiful little girl. I was supposed to start my Slim-in-Six tonight but after that punch in the gut I straightened my hair for my Big Date tomorrow night and am now enjoying a cup of Cocoa with whip cream (a rarity - the whip cream not the Cocoa). Any-whoo, MOM, I will keep a tab on the sidebar of my progress. Here is my weekly schedule:
Mon: SI6 stretch, clogging 9-12, SI6 tummy & butt
Tue: SI6 stretch, SI6 workout
Wed: SI6 stretch, SI6 workout, clogging 10-11:30 (switch with Thurs clogging)
Thurs:SI6 stretch, SI6 workout, SI6 tummy & butt (switch with Wed clogging)
Fri:SI6 stretch, SI6 workout, walking with girls
Sat:SI6 stretch, SI6 workout
Sun: SI6 stretch, SI6 tummy & butt (it is the day of rest)
I will put all my stats from the start date on the side board with the ticker. Wish me luck and keep me honest.
Mon: SI6 stretch, clogging 9-12, SI6 tummy & butt
Tue: SI6 stretch, SI6 workout
Wed: SI6 stretch, SI6 workout, clogging 10-11:30 (switch with Thurs clogging)
Thurs:SI6 stretch, SI6 workout, SI6 tummy & butt (switch with Wed clogging)
Fri:SI6 stretch, SI6 workout, walking with girls
Sat:SI6 stretch, SI6 workout
Sun: SI6 stretch, SI6 tummy & butt (it is the day of rest)
I will put all my stats from the start date on the side board with the ticker. Wish me luck and keep me honest.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
A Warm Cup of Cocoa to Dry My Tears...
So today has been a rough day. I don't feel like going into details because I'm not even in the mood to complain. Here is the quick list of disappointments.
(1) I had to cancel a spontaneous yet, most desired, trip to Canada to attend the Vancouver B.C. Temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Why? 'Cause when I started making photo copies of the kids birth certificates and such I realized that my passport expired in '08. Really, talk about being prepared with my oil when the bridegroom comes. Dear Han Solo will not go without me and while I can get into Canada and go to the open house, the US won't let me back into my country. Go figure. I cried for almost a day and still cry every time I think about it. My two bf promised to take pictures for me but that is as close as we will get.
(2) Got feedback from the first couple (or person to be exact) to come see my house...they hate it! Said our 'white tile' which is actually creamish is ugly and our back is undesirable. They thought we were over priced and had no interest what-so-ever in my sweet little home. I was determined that other peoples opinions would mean very little to me, but while this couple now means very little to me, I have begun to realize how much I do love my home and how hard it truly will be to leave it. Thanks a lot jerks! (sorry that was mean, I am sure they are very nice people)
(3) I think that the Republic has killed all the Ewoks on Endor cause my three beautiful little Ewoks are no where to be found. On the same note there seems to have been a baby boom on what ever planet Chewbacas come from cause there are tons of those running around my house and I swear they multiply like Gremlins every time I say "NO." (NO, I am not saying I am pregnant, despite what others dream, think, or say - we are done!)
(4) I went to Craft Warehouse today with a friend and saw that they now carry Amy Butler fabric, My Little Yellow Bicycle, and they had a new line from Basic Grey. These are all a few of my favorite things and now I have a bad case of 'the WANTS'.
Amy Butler (Love)
I know I want to make a pillow out of some of these, maybe a footstool pillow or a rollie-pollie pillow, I could go on forever. And this one 
I want to turn into a 'Liverpool' tunic for spring.
So, what's so bad about all this (4) stuff at Craft Warehouse, well we don't have the money to have 'the WANTS'. I did splurge at JoAnns today when I saw that these beautiful mugs I have had my eyes on for months (really it's been about 5-6 months since I first saw them) went on clearance from $10 a mug (REALLY? what were they thinking?) to $2. There were 5 left, how perfect is that. The other thing that I think I will splurge on is this Willow Tree Remembrance journal that is now available at our Deseret Bookstore. I have been doing pretty good with my gratitude journal but it is a composition book that I said I was going to fancy up. This is what it currently looks like.
I think the Remembrance journal will be how I fancy it up. 
I also want to get a copy of Dieter F. Uchtdorf's new book "The Remarkable Soul of a Woman."
Maybe a certain Han Solo could fly the galaxies and return with these precious gifts in time for Mothers Day.
So now, that it took an hour to do all this, the Mariners lost in the 10th and the Blazer game is long over, I will make my third cup of Hot Cocoa in my new mug and take it up stairs to read my current novel "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
It's Nice to be Wrong.
This last year has been a moving year for those close to me. My three best friends moved over last summer / fall to two different states (Utah & Washington). Before this another great friend moved to Washington DC and even local friends moved further "down the road". Maybe I should shower more!?! Any-hoo, because I knew that I would be the next one to rent a Uhal, I have been reluctant to strengthen friendships here, let alone make new ones. I figured I still had one of my top 5 just "down the road" and that would be enough. Well I did become closer to one friend right off tha bat, but I knew that would happen. Then my eldest Ewok started preschool with a new bunch of ladies. Yes, I became closer to some 'church' friends and guess what? One moved this weekend and the other has her house up for sale with the same Realtor we are working with. REALLY, is this necessary!?! I yelled at myself then took a little self-evaluation of how well I was NOT making new friends in this area and came to realize that I'm not doing very good at it at all. I have in fact strengthened one friendship and formed two others that I never thought I would.
It is along these lines that I am glad to be wrong about a beautiful lady that is quickly becoming a dear friend. At first I thought that she either was (1) perhaps snobbish but very kind and working on changing it or (2) she really did not like the person I am but felt obligated to be 'friends' because our hubbies are friends. I WAS WRONG, on both accounts. My new impression is that despite her beauty, intelligence, and abilities she is not sure how others feel about her and where her place is in our area. (Funny how deep down inside we are all the same) I also feel she is kinda high strung about certain things and that makes her nervous and she does not like to feel that way so when this happens she removes herself (and children) from the situation. She is not abruptly leaving my house because it is not clean enough or good enough for her and her family, she just knows her limits. I think also she is a mover, she never really slows down for much, to eat or clean, or just walking. I am now excited about what I can learn from her.
This is what I will be writing in my gratitude book today; I am grateful for my new friendship and to be wrong about a person who confused me. I hope I can learn from this that I am too judgmental on myself and my perception of others and how they feel about me and my family. I need to stop projecting my insecurities thought others eyes. There might just be a chance that I will make some great friends here in the next few months and then miss them when I move. That is life, friends come and go and what is so wrong that.
It is along these lines that I am glad to be wrong about a beautiful lady that is quickly becoming a dear friend. At first I thought that she either was (1) perhaps snobbish but very kind and working on changing it or (2) she really did not like the person I am but felt obligated to be 'friends' because our hubbies are friends. I WAS WRONG, on both accounts. My new impression is that despite her beauty, intelligence, and abilities she is not sure how others feel about her and where her place is in our area. (Funny how deep down inside we are all the same) I also feel she is kinda high strung about certain things and that makes her nervous and she does not like to feel that way so when this happens she removes herself (and children) from the situation. She is not abruptly leaving my house because it is not clean enough or good enough for her and her family, she just knows her limits. I think also she is a mover, she never really slows down for much, to eat or clean, or just walking. I am now excited about what I can learn from her.
This is what I will be writing in my gratitude book today; I am grateful for my new friendship and to be wrong about a person who confused me. I hope I can learn from this that I am too judgmental on myself and my perception of others and how they feel about me and my family. I need to stop projecting my insecurities thought others eyes. There might just be a chance that I will make some great friends here in the next few months and then miss them when I move. That is life, friends come and go and what is so wrong that.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
"Power of Moms"
Ironically I was invited (by two women I adore) to join a group last month. Now, I know that this goes against my desire to not be associated with any one clique or group but after much thought I decided that to decline this invitation would be declining the opportunity to improve my family life and mothering abilities. And so, with this thought in mind I went to my first group meeting since Girl Scouts and Leadership in high school (we just won't mention exactly how long ago that was). Guess what...?...I did not die and to the contrary I actually enjoyed myself.
We are a Learning Circle of the larger group under the direction of The Power of Moms. We are given an article that has questions and topic discussions and we meet once a month to talk about it all and learn from each other. So along with my whole accountability need, I am going to, monthly answer the questions and tell you all what I am going to work on. I will not be sharing the article or questions as I think that is a breach in the copyright, but if you are interested you may follow the links I have provided or find some cool articles and just do it all on your own (I knew I would never actually do it or find the time to do it so this is my option). Any ideas and suggestions from you would be loved as always.
(1) My gauge of success right now is the following: my children are fed, alive, and semi happy at the end of the day, my hubbie is likewise fed and happy, I have taken a shower, cleaned something in my house, ate, and am semi happy as well. Small and pety...?...perhaspe but doable and attained! As life success I want my family to have a knowledge and love of The Gospel of Jesus Christ and I want us to follow the commandments of God. I want to maintain a happy and healthy marriage. Like wise I want us to be a loving and caring family. Success means that we have a dwelling to live in and enough food on the table for us to survive and enjoy. I think that if when I die these things have been fulfilled to best of my ability then I have had a successful life.
(2) I am not a victim and have never really felt like one. I know that I have chosen to be a mother and although I did not fully understand all that I was saying yes to, I in no way regret my decision. My problem then, is not feeling like a victim to the life I am leading but trying not to react to influences that are beyond my control. I am a stubborn fighter and I know it. I need to learn to control those urges when 'things' happen and let somethings go.
(3) Unrealistic expectations are a disease of self-confidence. I have three children 5 and under, for me this can be a lot at times. Here are my top 5 unrealistic expectations that I place on myself pretty regularly (in black) and a more realistic version (in red).
a) my children will behave and not complain while doing chores: accomplish 3 chores per day regardless
b) I can start and finish an art project (of any variety) to the level of wonderfulness that I want it to be on any given day that I feel so inspired (which is almost daily - note the problem?): limit myself to 1 project per week
c) I should go to bed every night feeling amazingly happy : write in my Gratitude book every night after reading Scriptures
d) we should have enough money for the essentials and the fun we want to have: ?
e) I should lose 35 pounds to get back to my marriage weight: lose 1-5 pounds per month by limiting the number of cokes I drink and working out more
(4) I need more gratitude in my life. The more that I give thanks the more I find to give thanks for. This is one of my focuses this month.
(5) So this question is about in what areas of your life can you be less than perfect or be satisfied with mediocrity, I don't think I have a problem here. I made a New Years Resolution two years ago that I would spend more time playing on the floor with my girls than I would cleaning it. Wow, that was a great resolution that I have continued to live. I think I could let go of others perception on me and the 'awards' (good or bad) that I feel those should bring. I want to be satisfied with being mediocre to the world and fabulous to my family.
(6) I want to become Fulfilled by my life.
I want to become more Intelligent in the Holistic atmosphere of life.
I want to become more Active.
(7) My voices need to stop telling me that I look like a mom who has given up on herself for the benefit of her family, because in reality it does not benefit them at all. My mood and attitude have a huge impact on my family and the life that we lead, if it sucks then I should not be surprised that my family 'life' feels sucky too! My voices need to stop telling me that I need recognition from the world to feel important and desirable (in many areas of my life, not sexually). My voices need to stop telling me that we will not make it out of our money crunch. We are following the counsel of our living Prophet and the Spirit and working our tails off to be debt free (school, work, house, and stupid stuff!) and that is a good thing. Yes, it is awful and hard and drags us down but, in the end we will be liberated by our success!
(8) Funny, it's been about an hour and I can still not think of something that I will cut out or not do this month. I have been purging myself of 'things' as of late and so I feel that need has been meet.
(9) This month I will spend some money on an activity for Gary & I to do together. We 'date' with our favorite show and a homemade milkshake from time to time but we need to really go out and have a night where we can talk and relax and play for longer than an hour.
So there it is. I'll post a "Power of Moms" monthly.
We are a Learning Circle of the larger group under the direction of The Power of Moms. We are given an article that has questions and topic discussions and we meet once a month to talk about it all and learn from each other. So along with my whole accountability need, I am going to, monthly answer the questions and tell you all what I am going to work on. I will not be sharing the article or questions as I think that is a breach in the copyright, but if you are interested you may follow the links I have provided or find some cool articles and just do it all on your own (I knew I would never actually do it or find the time to do it so this is my option). Any ideas and suggestions from you would be loved as always.
(1) My gauge of success right now is the following: my children are fed, alive, and semi happy at the end of the day, my hubbie is likewise fed and happy, I have taken a shower, cleaned something in my house, ate, and am semi happy as well. Small and pety...?...perhaspe but doable and attained! As life success I want my family to have a knowledge and love of The Gospel of Jesus Christ and I want us to follow the commandments of God. I want to maintain a happy and healthy marriage. Like wise I want us to be a loving and caring family. Success means that we have a dwelling to live in and enough food on the table for us to survive and enjoy. I think that if when I die these things have been fulfilled to best of my ability then I have had a successful life.
(2) I am not a victim and have never really felt like one. I know that I have chosen to be a mother and although I did not fully understand all that I was saying yes to, I in no way regret my decision. My problem then, is not feeling like a victim to the life I am leading but trying not to react to influences that are beyond my control. I am a stubborn fighter and I know it. I need to learn to control those urges when 'things' happen and let somethings go.
(3) Unrealistic expectations are a disease of self-confidence. I have three children 5 and under, for me this can be a lot at times. Here are my top 5 unrealistic expectations that I place on myself pretty regularly (in black) and a more realistic version (in red).
a) my children will behave and not complain while doing chores: accomplish 3 chores per day regardless
b) I can start and finish an art project (of any variety) to the level of wonderfulness that I want it to be on any given day that I feel so inspired (which is almost daily - note the problem?): limit myself to 1 project per week
c) I should go to bed every night feeling amazingly happy : write in my Gratitude book every night after reading Scriptures
d) we should have enough money for the essentials and the fun we want to have: ?
e) I should lose 35 pounds to get back to my marriage weight: lose 1-5 pounds per month by limiting the number of cokes I drink and working out more
(4) I need more gratitude in my life. The more that I give thanks the more I find to give thanks for. This is one of my focuses this month.
(5) So this question is about in what areas of your life can you be less than perfect or be satisfied with mediocrity, I don't think I have a problem here. I made a New Years Resolution two years ago that I would spend more time playing on the floor with my girls than I would cleaning it. Wow, that was a great resolution that I have continued to live. I think I could let go of others perception on me and the 'awards' (good or bad) that I feel those should bring. I want to be satisfied with being mediocre to the world and fabulous to my family.
(6) I want to become Fulfilled by my life.
I want to become more Intelligent in the Holistic atmosphere of life.
I want to become more Active.
(7) My voices need to stop telling me that I look like a mom who has given up on herself for the benefit of her family, because in reality it does not benefit them at all. My mood and attitude have a huge impact on my family and the life that we lead, if it sucks then I should not be surprised that my family 'life' feels sucky too! My voices need to stop telling me that I need recognition from the world to feel important and desirable (in many areas of my life, not sexually). My voices need to stop telling me that we will not make it out of our money crunch. We are following the counsel of our living Prophet and the Spirit and working our tails off to be debt free (school, work, house, and stupid stuff!) and that is a good thing. Yes, it is awful and hard and drags us down but, in the end we will be liberated by our success!
(8) Funny, it's been about an hour and I can still not think of something that I will cut out or not do this month. I have been purging myself of 'things' as of late and so I feel that need has been meet.
(9) This month I will spend some money on an activity for Gary & I to do together. We 'date' with our favorite show and a homemade milkshake from time to time but we need to really go out and have a night where we can talk and relax and play for longer than an hour.
So there it is. I'll post a "Power of Moms" monthly.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Paint Fumes...
Okay so it has been a few days?....weeks?...the sad part is I can't even remember so that is the first indication that I have been ignoring myself. I have. We currently have our house up on the market and that means that someone had to get it ready to go on the market. Yeah, why beat the issue dead, it was me, with the help of Han Solo and his dear parents who helped with child care, physical labor, and a lot of storage. We painted almost every surface of our house and I still have the baseboards to go. I never thought our house was ridiculously small - it is actually a very nice house and we could live here forever and sacrifice our want for acreage to live a good life here, alas we must move for work and so will move from here to an apartment to save more money to get the house and the land we want. Very little comes from wishing on a star, we know.
So an update, I have not lost any more weight this month, but as my mom pointed out I have maintained. I slacked on my vitamins of D3 & Omega3 and I could really tell, which is a good thing because that means that they are doing their job (happy to say it was easy to get back on track with those). The best part of all this was the meditation that I was able to do while painting. Kind of like my revelation in the shower (which started all this) I came to some conclusions which has really benefited me.
There is a group of ladies that I am acquainted with who have a particular knack for excluding others from their little adventures but then talking about how wonderful they were and how great of friends they all are, while you (being one of many not included) are sitting with and group of them. I have tried to ignore this, I have tried to comment (thinking that was what they wanted and it would help move the conversation to a more even playing field - it was not very successful), and then I finally tried the avoidance method, as I think many others are doing. Well this has worked the best. I enjoy these women one-on-one they are young, beautiful, intelligent and delightful ladies in their own way and on their own, but something happens when they form a group around themselves. They have the ability to transfer you emotions and thoughts back to high school when your clothes mattered, your hair style mattered, the car you drove, the boy you clung to. They transport you here and make you feel like the unpopular kid you either once were or swore you never would be. This is why I avoid them as a group, I don't want to go there and I like my thoughts to be on how I am doing good as a mother, my hubbie still loves me and although he has lost all his hair he is sexy and provides for me and my girls emotionally, temporally, spiritually and in every other way I can think of. I don't' have a lot of great clothes but my car is perfect for my family and we a have a beautiful home.
The one thing I don't get a lot, that they seem too, is the "girl time". I think this is where the problem and solution lie. I would love to be able to go out once a week with girl friends and get a coke at a fav restaurant or just watch a great chick flick and eat ice cream...but...(1) I am married to an amazing man and I am the mother to amazing girls I want to be with them too. (2) I only have my hubbie around 2 nights during the week and Saturday is a family day and Sunday we devote to Church and family. (3) I want to use money as an excuse, because we don't have tons, but really I would use it on something else any way so its not really a huge factor here. Really I guess it is that, is girl time worth more to me than family time...NO. Easy but at times it still hurts. So here is my conclusion. I got my girls time in college, I played a lot, I dated a lot, I stayed up late at night with my roommates and watched chick flicks and ate ice cream, we went shopping together and went on mini vacations, we cried and laughed and got all that bonding done. These girls went about this a different way, some went to college, some didn't, they all married young and had children relatively fast (of course there are exceptions to ever rule but these are my generalizations). Point being they did not get their girls time in college before marring and starting families. Now they are trying to capture that. To find out who they are together as a group, to get that acceptance that they need and to form friendships with their children.
Well here is my new perspective: GOOD FOR THEM. GO HAVE YOUR GIRL FUN. ENJOY IT! I LOVED MINE AND I MADE AMAZING LIFE LONG FRIENDS, AND NOW WE CALL OR EMAIL AND SEND PICTURES AND BRACKETS TO EACH OTHER AND WE LIVE OUR LIVES AS MOMS AND WIVES. I AM HAPPY WHERE I AM AND I DON'T NEED TO GO OUT MULTI PULE NIGHTS A WEEK OR JOIN 5 CLUBS TO FEEL SATISFIED. I AM FULFILLED BY THE LOVE THAT MY HUBBIE, GIRLS, PARENTS, AND BEST FRIENDS GIVE ME WHEN EVER WE HAPPEN TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER.
I am now resolved to avoiding the group and enjoy my life rather than living in the past. This may sound silly but I would paint my whole house over again to feel as satisfied as I am now with this whole issue. For those of you living close in proximity to me and feeling the same as I have been, remember who you are right now and know that you are not alone and you can go to any park at any time and not feel like the uninvited third wheel. Power to me! Yeah!
Okay I'm done.
So an update, I have not lost any more weight this month, but as my mom pointed out I have maintained. I slacked on my vitamins of D3 & Omega3 and I could really tell, which is a good thing because that means that they are doing their job (happy to say it was easy to get back on track with those). The best part of all this was the meditation that I was able to do while painting. Kind of like my revelation in the shower (which started all this) I came to some conclusions which has really benefited me.
There is a group of ladies that I am acquainted with who have a particular knack for excluding others from their little adventures but then talking about how wonderful they were and how great of friends they all are, while you (being one of many not included) are sitting with and group of them. I have tried to ignore this, I have tried to comment (thinking that was what they wanted and it would help move the conversation to a more even playing field - it was not very successful), and then I finally tried the avoidance method, as I think many others are doing. Well this has worked the best. I enjoy these women one-on-one they are young, beautiful, intelligent and delightful ladies in their own way and on their own, but something happens when they form a group around themselves. They have the ability to transfer you emotions and thoughts back to high school when your clothes mattered, your hair style mattered, the car you drove, the boy you clung to. They transport you here and make you feel like the unpopular kid you either once were or swore you never would be. This is why I avoid them as a group, I don't want to go there and I like my thoughts to be on how I am doing good as a mother, my hubbie still loves me and although he has lost all his hair he is sexy and provides for me and my girls emotionally, temporally, spiritually and in every other way I can think of. I don't' have a lot of great clothes but my car is perfect for my family and we a have a beautiful home.
The one thing I don't get a lot, that they seem too, is the "girl time". I think this is where the problem and solution lie. I would love to be able to go out once a week with girl friends and get a coke at a fav restaurant or just watch a great chick flick and eat ice cream...but...(1) I am married to an amazing man and I am the mother to amazing girls I want to be with them too. (2) I only have my hubbie around 2 nights during the week and Saturday is a family day and Sunday we devote to Church and family. (3) I want to use money as an excuse, because we don't have tons, but really I would use it on something else any way so its not really a huge factor here. Really I guess it is that, is girl time worth more to me than family time...NO. Easy but at times it still hurts. So here is my conclusion. I got my girls time in college, I played a lot, I dated a lot, I stayed up late at night with my roommates and watched chick flicks and ate ice cream, we went shopping together and went on mini vacations, we cried and laughed and got all that bonding done. These girls went about this a different way, some went to college, some didn't, they all married young and had children relatively fast (of course there are exceptions to ever rule but these are my generalizations). Point being they did not get their girls time in college before marring and starting families. Now they are trying to capture that. To find out who they are together as a group, to get that acceptance that they need and to form friendships with their children.
Well here is my new perspective: GOOD FOR THEM. GO HAVE YOUR GIRL FUN. ENJOY IT! I LOVED MINE AND I MADE AMAZING LIFE LONG FRIENDS, AND NOW WE CALL OR EMAIL AND SEND PICTURES AND BRACKETS TO EACH OTHER AND WE LIVE OUR LIVES AS MOMS AND WIVES. I AM HAPPY WHERE I AM AND I DON'T NEED TO GO OUT MULTI PULE NIGHTS A WEEK OR JOIN 5 CLUBS TO FEEL SATISFIED. I AM FULFILLED BY THE LOVE THAT MY HUBBIE, GIRLS, PARENTS, AND BEST FRIENDS GIVE ME WHEN EVER WE HAPPEN TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER.
I am now resolved to avoiding the group and enjoy my life rather than living in the past. This may sound silly but I would paint my whole house over again to feel as satisfied as I am now with this whole issue. For those of you living close in proximity to me and feeling the same as I have been, remember who you are right now and know that you are not alone and you can go to any park at any time and not feel like the uninvited third wheel. Power to me! Yeah!
Okay I'm done.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Part 2 of HELP!
So here is a posting from a friend that sums up my feelings on all those amazing blogs and sites out there that we look at to inspire us and then walk away feeling....well like I did yesterday. It is classic and I higly suggest you reading it; The Blogosphere Killed My Momfidence.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Need a little HELP...
So, I have accomplished a few things since the departure of my mother. My main focus and goals have been on the house and taxes (which is a deadline overdue). I have been using the clutter techniques from the Fly Lady and spending just a bit of time (30 minutes) on dreaded tasks before doing something I want to do. This is how yesterday went and where I am today (READ ON PLEASE, I'LL COME TO A POINT SOONER OR LATER).
9-11 clogging (notice I have cut off an hour to get more things done on Mondays!)
11-12:30 Costco (produce, lunch, & girl time)
12:30 Put baby Ewok to bed and let the other two ride bikes while I prepared the front for a power-wash bath
12:45 Set-up Power wahser
1:10 Yelled at power washer for not working, got all worked up and went over to the alley way and swept all the cigarette butts that the apartment dwellers leave on our street while they use our alley way as their own personal smoke house.
1:20 Walk back to the house to discover that my next door neighbors "For Sale" flyer's are being put in her box and she is selling for $9,500 less that we are going to post ours for at the end of the month
1:21 CRY
1:30 Call BF for back-up and a little boost. LOVE THIS LADY AS SHE JUMPED RIGHT ON MY TRUCK AND IS COMING DOWN FRIDAY FOR A WORK DAY.
1:45 Started painting
6:12 Warm up left overs for Ewoks dinner, then continued to paint.
7:30 Han Solo got home so I stopped painting to say hi and tell him to warm up left overs for dinner. I grabbed a bag of chips and a coke for my dinner and heading back up stairs (made progress see) to finish more painting.
8:10 Realized that the Ewoks were still awake but had not gotten a bath, so I told Han to do it and went back to painting.
8:20 Put baby Ewok to bed and went back to painting. Cleaned it all up at 8:35.
8:40 blow dried both Ewok's hair and cuddled with them in my bed watching the Olympics for a bit.
9:20 Took first shower of the day (for those that dance with me, I know I'm gross but it just didn't happen earlier) then fell into bed.
Okay so a lot got done in reality, BUT in my head this morning as I look at my little sampling of favorite blogs that inspire me I find myself not inspired but disappointed in myself and the lack of abilities I feel I am without.
WHY, why do we, as women, do this to ourselves.
Even after writing out the things that I did do yesterday, things that needed to be done, this is where my mind is; 'My house is a mess, the sink is full of dishes but the dishwasher is empty, I have two loads of clean laundry waiting to be folded and 3 hampers full of clothes waiting to be cleaned. My advent calendar from Valentines is not done, the dress I wanted to make for the girls are not finished, which means I am not getting money for the two I want to sell, a friend is having a baby shower tonight and the bow tie and booties I want to make for her are still only in my head, I don't even have material for them, and even if I were to go and look at material I feel I have no money left to buy it or food or anything (which is a slight over-exaggeration) and that brings me to my taxes which are due, LIKE NOW! And I found out that the tags on my car are expired and now I have to go to the DEQ and the DMV today in between dance and its raining out so the park day I promised the girls yesterday when it was bright and beautiful and I, YES I, wanted to power wash the front patio so I told them we couldn't go, but the power washing never got done'.
NEGATIVE! NEGATIVE! NEGATIVE! WOW.
Great way to start your day huh. Help me out a little here. I need to know what others do when they get this way (other than uppers please) and if you don't get this way, rather then handing me a knife for my gutt, just make something up that sounds good. I need some good ideas for days like these.
9-11 clogging (notice I have cut off an hour to get more things done on Mondays!)
11-12:30 Costco (produce, lunch, & girl time)
12:30 Put baby Ewok to bed and let the other two ride bikes while I prepared the front for a power-wash bath
12:45 Set-up Power wahser
1:10 Yelled at power washer for not working, got all worked up and went over to the alley way and swept all the cigarette butts that the apartment dwellers leave on our street while they use our alley way as their own personal smoke house.
1:20 Walk back to the house to discover that my next door neighbors "For Sale" flyer's are being put in her box and she is selling for $9,500 less that we are going to post ours for at the end of the month
1:21 CRY
1:30 Call BF for back-up and a little boost. LOVE THIS LADY AS SHE JUMPED RIGHT ON MY TRUCK AND IS COMING DOWN FRIDAY FOR A WORK DAY.
1:45 Started painting
6:12 Warm up left overs for Ewoks dinner, then continued to paint.
7:30 Han Solo got home so I stopped painting to say hi and tell him to warm up left overs for dinner. I grabbed a bag of chips and a coke for my dinner and heading back up stairs (made progress see) to finish more painting.
8:10 Realized that the Ewoks were still awake but had not gotten a bath, so I told Han to do it and went back to painting.
8:20 Put baby Ewok to bed and went back to painting. Cleaned it all up at 8:35.
8:40 blow dried both Ewok's hair and cuddled with them in my bed watching the Olympics for a bit.
9:20 Took first shower of the day (for those that dance with me, I know I'm gross but it just didn't happen earlier) then fell into bed.
Okay so a lot got done in reality, BUT in my head this morning as I look at my little sampling of favorite blogs that inspire me I find myself not inspired but disappointed in myself and the lack of abilities I feel I am without.
WHY, why do we, as women, do this to ourselves.
Even after writing out the things that I did do yesterday, things that needed to be done, this is where my mind is; 'My house is a mess, the sink is full of dishes but the dishwasher is empty, I have two loads of clean laundry waiting to be folded and 3 hampers full of clothes waiting to be cleaned. My advent calendar from Valentines is not done, the dress I wanted to make for the girls are not finished, which means I am not getting money for the two I want to sell, a friend is having a baby shower tonight and the bow tie and booties I want to make for her are still only in my head, I don't even have material for them, and even if I were to go and look at material I feel I have no money left to buy it or food or anything (which is a slight over-exaggeration) and that brings me to my taxes which are due, LIKE NOW! And I found out that the tags on my car are expired and now I have to go to the DEQ and the DMV today in between dance and its raining out so the park day I promised the girls yesterday when it was bright and beautiful and I, YES I, wanted to power wash the front patio so I told them we couldn't go, but the power washing never got done'.
NEGATIVE! NEGATIVE! NEGATIVE! WOW.
Great way to start your day huh. Help me out a little here. I need to know what others do when they get this way (other than uppers please) and if you don't get this way, rather then handing me a knife for my gutt, just make something up that sounds good. I need some good ideas for days like these.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Mommy & Me Shopping Trip
So one of my new rules for 201o is:
Before shopping for clothing you must (1) make hair pretty (2) make face pretty (3) put on your favorite jeans and everyday shoe (4) put on a favorite shirt that you feel smok'in in.
Normally when shopping for clothes I start out in an okay mood and then the more I see myself naked in those wondrous mirrors the worse my mood becomes. I leave the store with nothing because everything makes me look fat and sloppy and my hair that looked okay pulled back when I got there now looks like a birds nest, and my eyes are red because I am on the brink of tears... Sound familiar? I HATE SHOPPING. I hate spending the money on myself because I can come up with 20 other things to do with it for my family, I hate finding a shirt I love and then reading the price tag, I hate my ankles, I hate, I hate, I hate. The rest of the day is shot because my mood is so poor and Han Solo is disappointed to see me wear the same shirt (normally a Blazer or AM favorite) for the third day in a row (YES, I wash them in between that's why they are barley a year old and they have holes in them already). Shopping can really ruin my day and my attitude about myself.
Well, today my mother took me out shopping for clothes as a birthday gift. I followed my new rule and I felt great walking out the door. I even got so into it that I put on earrings. Now this is big. I normally do not don such lavish things as earrings and necklaces unless it is a Sunday and we are headed to church or Han Solo and I are actually going out on a date. I felt great! So this is what I wore. My favorite jeans (dark and crisp), a long sleeved gray Shade shirt (love them!), a light grey cropped short sleeve sweater, and my NEW Uggs Han & the Ewoks got me for my birthday (Han Solo sacrificed a few lunches for these bad boys, I LOVE HIM!). I took 10 minutes and put makeup on and actually refreshed my lip gloss three times, cause (DON'T tell Han but) I noticed a few glances in my direction - now this could easily be due to the fact that my youngest Chewbacca was very vocal but I'll stick to my SMOK'IN theory for self gratification reasons).
I found five great tops that I felt beautiful in and I walked out of the store and mall feeling great. I will wear one tomorrow and one on Sunday. Today I fell in love with myself again...if at least for only a day. Thanks Mom, for a great birthday gift. Thanks Han baby and my little Ewoks for a new pair of Uggs, and thanks to everyone else that made my thirtieth birthday one to remember.
Before shopping for clothing you must (1) make hair pretty (2) make face pretty (3) put on your favorite jeans and everyday shoe (4) put on a favorite shirt that you feel smok'in in.
Normally when shopping for clothes I start out in an okay mood and then the more I see myself naked in those wondrous mirrors the worse my mood becomes. I leave the store with nothing because everything makes me look fat and sloppy and my hair that looked okay pulled back when I got there now looks like a birds nest, and my eyes are red because I am on the brink of tears... Sound familiar? I HATE SHOPPING. I hate spending the money on myself because I can come up with 20 other things to do with it for my family, I hate finding a shirt I love and then reading the price tag, I hate my ankles, I hate, I hate, I hate. The rest of the day is shot because my mood is so poor and Han Solo is disappointed to see me wear the same shirt (normally a Blazer or AM favorite) for the third day in a row (YES, I wash them in between that's why they are barley a year old and they have holes in them already). Shopping can really ruin my day and my attitude about myself.
Well, today my mother took me out shopping for clothes as a birthday gift. I followed my new rule and I felt great walking out the door. I even got so into it that I put on earrings. Now this is big. I normally do not don such lavish things as earrings and necklaces unless it is a Sunday and we are headed to church or Han Solo and I are actually going out on a date. I felt great! So this is what I wore. My favorite jeans (dark and crisp), a long sleeved gray Shade shirt (love them!), a light grey cropped short sleeve sweater, and my NEW Uggs Han & the Ewoks got me for my birthday (Han Solo sacrificed a few lunches for these bad boys, I LOVE HIM!). I took 10 minutes and put makeup on and actually refreshed my lip gloss three times, cause (DON'T tell Han but) I noticed a few glances in my direction - now this could easily be due to the fact that my youngest Chewbacca was very vocal but I'll stick to my SMOK'IN theory for self gratification reasons).
I found five great tops that I felt beautiful in and I walked out of the store and mall feeling great. I will wear one tomorrow and one on Sunday. Today I fell in love with myself again...if at least for only a day. Thanks Mom, for a great birthday gift. Thanks Han baby and my little Ewoks for a new pair of Uggs, and thanks to everyone else that made my thirtieth birthday one to remember.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Farewell Twenties
Age is Relative
They shall still bring forth fruit in old age;
they shall be fat and flourishing.
-Psalm 92:14
It always good to know that you are following the scriptures and this one is particularly easy to follow. As I sit here and eat my cereal I am hit with the reality that this is the last day I will ever be in the twenty's and I am starting on a new decade. WOW. I have accomplished many amazing things. Here are a few at the top:
1. I am sealed for Time & Eternity to the greatest man in the world
2. I have three amazing little girls
3. I have a Bachelor's Degree in my favorite field
4. While the numbers are limited the girls that I call my favorite are the most inspiring, spiritual, amazing, and beautiful women I know, I love them and they love me
5. We own a house (if only for a few more months)
6. I have traveled to different countries (thanks mom & dad) and learned so much from that
7. I have found a Hobie that I love and I think I'm pretty good at (which helps the ego)
8. My Han Solo bought me the coolest car ever for my birthday a few years ago
9. I still play and love sports, I dance every week, and get out of the house almost on a daily basis with my Ewoks to explore the world around us
10. Despite all the things I am trying to improve because I have not been as happy as I think I should be...guess what I AM HAPPY and I AM LOVED!
Not a bad list on the last day of my twenties.
President Gordon B. Hinckley said this;
"Age is more a matter of how you feel, how you think, and what's going on in your head than what's going on in your feet."
I hope that for the next ten years I will be able to remember this. I remember growing up and I had some friends who's mothers and fathers were the same age as my grandparents and I thought WOW they are old. Others were younger but acted old and then there were mine who were not too young and not too old. I remember them as having fun and enjoying life with my brother and I. I remember thinking I want to be young enough when I am a mom so that I can be considered fun to my kids and we can play and do things together. I had my first Ewok at the same age my mother was when she had me, so I am on a good track. Thanks mom & dad for the last 30 years and thanks Han Solo for still thinking I am beautiful and fun even if I will no longer be a twenty-something.
Farewell Twenties HELLO THIRTIES!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
My second deadline is upon me and hopefully, if I stay up till Midnight, I will complete the advent calendar tonight. Just so I feel a little better, here are a few of my excuses:
(1) My washer machine has been broken since last Thursday or Friday and I have to walk my clothes down the street to a sweet friends house so Han Solo and I are not dubbed the "stinky family"
(2) I have been teaching my eldest Ewoks preschool since November and this is my last week. Actually my last two days of teaching my first born preschool ever...I am kinda emotional about this...really emotional.
(3) I have started on my house projects for the week which include packing more boxes, painting before my mom comes and visits, moving boxes to in-laws for cheap storage, and other things.
(4) As I am sitting here my youngest two Chewies are litterly running circles around the island screaming at each other because the middle Chewy stole the Chutes& Ladders game they were attempting to play, and so now the little Chewy has jumped up to the table and stolen the other Chewy's left over circle which is being poured into her own....bowl was the attempt table and floor are the outcome. TO MUCH NOISE I MUST GO NOW!
(1) My washer machine has been broken since last Thursday or Friday and I have to walk my clothes down the street to a sweet friends house so Han Solo and I are not dubbed the "stinky family"
(2) I have been teaching my eldest Ewoks preschool since November and this is my last week. Actually my last two days of teaching my first born preschool ever...I am kinda emotional about this...really emotional.
(3) I have started on my house projects for the week which include packing more boxes, painting before my mom comes and visits, moving boxes to in-laws for cheap storage, and other things.
(4) As I am sitting here my youngest two Chewies are litterly running circles around the island screaming at each other because the middle Chewy stole the Chutes& Ladders game they were attempting to play, and so now the little Chewy has jumped up to the table and stolen the other Chewy's left over circle which is being poured into her own....bowl was the attempt table and floor are the outcome. TO MUCH NOISE I MUST GO NOW!
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