THOUGHTS

Okay, so you know how guys have their moments of enlightenment while sitting on the toilet (this fact still bewilders me), well, I have mine while in the shower, attempting to let all the worries of the day rush off me and drain away into the sewer where they belong. And so, this morning, being a Saturday, I took the early shift with the girls to allow my Han some sleep. After he emerged I took Chewy upstairs to for an early nap, went into my room and....turned on my workout video, restarting day one of a six-week program for the uhmmm possibly thirtieth time. After 25 minutes of delight, I turned off the tv, turned on the shower, and....sorted the sorid laundry while the water got warm. Okay, so I am finally in the shower and cleansing and thinking...yes, women do think! My thoughts first raveled to the night before, when Han and I went to an 80's party. I went as Madonna from the "Lucky Star" / "Desperately Seeking Susan" era (it was the only outfit of the icon that I could appropriately where and still maintain my standards-sorry Madonna love your music, but you are a hard lady to dress up as), Han went as Thomas Magnum from "Magnum PI." It was an absolute hoot! I have not had that much fun in a long time. And as I am thinking that thought I think, 'yeah it has probably been a least a year since I have had that much fun and felt excited for something.' Well, that reminded me of a moment that happened just...well...10 days ago when Han was giving me his famous bear hug and I was saying

"...I just can't wait for this year to be over. This has not been my favorite year!"

He looked at me and said (just a note here; when reading this blog assume all abouts and other such 'ou' words to be spoken by Han, truly Canadian, it will make you journey here more authentic, and make me laugh)

"You have said that about the last three years."

Then he let go an walked away. Ouch! That kinda hurt and yet it was true. I have been going through a rough spot in my life. To keep from detouring, I will touch on the "rough spot" in detail, as always, in a separate posting.

From here I thought, I'm gonna figure out why I had so much fun last night. Here are my results:
(1) I spent the day thinking about how I would look and how much fun it would be for others to see me this way.
(2) I called a friend and asked for help, (wow, is that a hard thing for a woman to do or what!) she came and turned my face into the exact look I was going for and it was fun having her do this for me! FUN; fun having a friend come help me out.
(3) I was with my Hans, and a great group of friends, we had good food, play great games, took Polaroid pictures, and just enjoyed each others company.
(4) It was a break from the everyday and the children.
(5) My father-in-law did my counter full of dishes! (Now I love this man to death, but I am sure part of the reason this was done was because I specifically told him not to allow his wife to do it and so he just had to do it to spite me -like father like son, they live to torment me)

So I had fun! As I continued my train of thought to how can I do this more often, not dress up as Madonna, but have more fun, it took me to when my friend was turning me into Madonna, and asked, why did I not use makeup more often and 'fancy up' as I call it. She asked if it is just because of time. Well, yes and no. Time is a thing lacking in this household but, lately it is motivation and desire that is lacking still more. I have been putting everybody else before me. This was my big awakening. Did you miss it? Here it is again:

I HAVE BEEN PUTTING EVERYBODY ELSE BEFORE ME!

(Thank you Lisa. I know you came over to just do my makeup but you have helped me more than you can know by asking that single question. THANK YOU!)

Now this might be ground breaking news to you, I mean this is what a wife and mother do. This is part of our description... right? I believe, Yes, to a point. The problem is that I took that point to an extreme (I am not known for extremes -for those that do not know me that was complete bull and spoken with the thickest level of sarcasm that I can dream up). I have allowed myself to believe that I am doing the right thing because I am supposed to do for others and yet I have gotten to point where just this summer my five year old Ewok came to me, over in the corner of my kitchen SITTING on the floor with MY head in MY knees and MY arms wrapped around MY knees, and said "Mommy, don't cry today, I still love you. We can have a good day, I trust you Mommy, I'll be good". Now when she says "I trust you Mommy" she is really saying 'I promise,' (she IS only five and I say I trust you to her when she asks if she is big enough now to try something new or receive new privileges in the house) but, thinking back this has been the darkest moment of my life. I, that grown lady of almost thirty, was crumpled on the floor bawling like a baby and my FIVE year old came to comfort Me. There is something really wrong about this moment and I never want to be there again!

So THIS is where I have been this year. After cringing in the shower while this memory passed through my mind I was brought to a word I created in response to a blog posting (ahh the age we live in, huh!) of a lady who I admire and whom inspires me. She has been doing this thing where she picks a word to use as the focus of her year. she challenged others to do the same. I have never taken up this challenge but this year, in my quest for change thought this might be a good starting point. So my word was CREATE. I have a whole posting dedicated to this word which will be posted this week. But you have to read this first to understand where I am going this year.

So, CREATE. This is where my thoughts are. And I think you know what, I CAN NOT CREATE ANYTHING RIGHT NOW OTHER THAN misery, torment, anguish, sadness...can I just stop here, you do not need to know everything but do need to understand why my thoughts are where they are. So they are here, back into this unmotivated depressed mind thought that has been plaguing me for sometime. And then it hits me, well actually it slowly crept into the beautiful part of my mind that has been sitting around dusty for the past few months, I NEED TO CHANGE MY WORD TO ME. There it is the second half of my ground breaking news...

I NEED TO CHANGE MY WORD TO ME!

I can not create love, joy and harmony, with a broken down, tired, dirty, mom. I HAVE TO CHANGE ME FIRST. And so Ali Edwards, I am changing my word from CREATE to ME.

THIS IS GOING TO BE THE YEAR OF ME!

I am crying right now, just so you all know.

THIS IS GOING TO BE THE YEAR OF ME!

Many other things will be created, accomplished, restared, achieved, and failed, but this year I will put myself first much, much, MUCH, more often and I am dedicating this blog (which was going to be my new blog for Ordinary Creativity, which you will read about later, if you ever venture her to read again) to Me and the year 2010, where I will recreate me. I will post as little as three times a week and each posting will be dedicated to something about my journey. Come back and read if you like, follow links if you so desire, try out my experiments on yourself if you need them done to. This blog will not be about you and I will not care if you read or do not read (WOW, that was hard but kinda feels good!). What I want is to have a way to feel accountable for my progress. If I am lucky enough to inspire someone else who is sitting on their kitchen floor then I would be happy to hear from you and we can help each other, but I am not going to rest my thoughts of joy on who does and who does not read this. This has just become MY tool for happiness. There will be many changes throughout the year I'm sure. I would love suggestions and/or stories of how you have done any of the things I will try. The other thing I don't want is for friends, locally and afar, to feel bad for me. I believe that I have had these rough times for a reason and no one is responsible for them. So join me if you wish, or not, but I am going to dedicate this year to putting ME FIRST so that I can CREATE all the wonders I want to for my family.