Faith and Healing

THIS is not exactly what this blog is for but I feel like I need to get something off my chest so that I am at peace with the situation. "Faith Healing" A husband and his wife are on trial for negligent homicide because their 16 year old son died of an illness in 2008. When this happened maybe a year ago, I don't really remember, but it was a little 5 year old girl I remember thinking 'I'm kinda glad the mom and dad are being questioned about their decisions.' I have thought about it a lot.

We almost lost one of our little Ewoks when she was 18 months old. She looked like she had the flu and it was a Friday. I remember thinking that (1) I could take her in now to the ER and pay way more than the $30 co-pay to hear 'Congratulations she has the flu, take her home and let her rest' OR (2) I could wait till Monday and if she was still sick then I could take her into our doctor and we'll go from there. Things got a bit worse on Saturday and then that night we noticed that she was vomiting when her fever spiked at 103, but then it would fall back down to a resting point of 99. This was different than anything I considered normal and a few things triggered in my mind. I PRAYED, my husband and another man gave her a Spiritual Blessing, and we 'held out' the Sunday with plans to go right in on Monday if things got worse. I AM NOT A MEMBER OF THE "FOLLOWERS OF CHRIST" CHURCH IN OREGON CITY, I AM A MEMBER OF THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS. On Monday morning it was bad. We called and went right into our doctor, where they were able to culture Ecoli from my baby's blood, urine, and I am sure they could have gotten it off her clothes from the results they received. She was very sick and they said had we waited even a few more hours we might have lost her. WOW. I have not lost a child but I have felt the torment in more than one instance.

I also understand and beleive in FAITH. I do not agree that with the idea that if someone is sick it is God's will and we should NOT ACT but just wait and see if that person dies because it is how it is supposed to be. I believe that FAITH requires not only fervent prayer but also requires us to listen to the response and then ACT accordingly. I have prayed and received promptings of the Spirit sometimes suttle sometimes it felt like a kick in the gut. My point is that while I do not agree with the practice of 'Faith Healing' I believe in FREEDOM OF RELIGION. This boy was 16 years old and told his parents that he wanted to be healed, if it was Gods will, through this method of 'Faith Healing'. THAT IS HIS RELIGIOUS CHOICE. Is this not one of the very foundations of our great country?

Another bit of food for thought, what about the childhood obesity rate? These children get diabetes and other illnesses, they walk down a road leading to heart attacks and other such things, yet the parents are not guilty here. I HATE DOUBLE STANDARDS! I REALLY DO! If we think that a boy with a congenital disease dies because he and his family chose an alternate form of health / healing and we can charge his said parent with "negligent homicide" why don't we put parents up on trial with children of obese weight when they die as an adult. I bet they as a family chose to eat more than their bodies needed and I doubt that those actions were religiously based. My point is although I do not agree with how this family choose to deal with their sons illness, I do believe that this country is going to far into our homes. Religion is a right our forefathers gave to us with their blood, how much longer will this founding principle be a part of our land? I just don't know anymore.

As a side note: I was out of cream cheese and opted for a few handfulls of trail mix with my coke! Brilliant dinner eh?

Self-Sabotage

You know how you have those days were almost everything goes wrong and so NOTHING goes right, even if it did. Well, today is one of those days for me.

My morning routine was thrown off because we had an impromptu-to field trip for my eldest Ewok's preschool group, which means for me a family trip where I try and teach the girls something educational. We made it through in fair condition and then went to a nearby eatery with and outdoor play structure for the kids. We get few rainless days here on Endore in the Winter/Spring time so we had to take advantage off it. Again we fair okay but were sitting on the border line of disaster, which struck the moment the five minute waring was up. *!KABAM!* I sent three Ewoks up the structure and the Chewys meet me at the bottom of the slide with much hesitation and Chewy-talk. So onward and forward we went to BED! I sat next to them in bed as stitched another square of my advent calendar. As I was doing this I realized two things: (1) February starts on Monday and I am no where close to finishing the calendar and (2) that beeping sound, which was adding to my headache, was coming from the washer machine. Now the whole washer machine thing would not be so bad had I acted on my Mom's advise and extended our warranty last month when it expired, but as things seem to go in my life lately, I procrastinated, and now it is beeping. You don't need details {cause they are not pretty} but I spent much of my afternoon and early evening dropping towels into the washer to soak up the water that won't drain because the washer is off balance {according to it's lcd screen}. This is when Han Solo found me when he returned a bit early from work today.

But, before we add another character into the day we must regress a little...my sweet neighbor droped by to tell me that she is putting her house up on the market on the 14th of Feb. What the crap! My goal has been to have ours up by the beginning to middle of March. What am I supposed to do now. She is posting lower than we want to and she has no kids so her house will be {it always is} spotless at a moments notice when a buyer comes-a-knocking. I love her to death and yet I am so upset. She told me this, by the way, while I was in the middle of backing my fourth box of random crap that co-habitates in my house. Then of course feeling all mushy like I do, I gave her the rest of my boxes so she could get started packing. It probably was a subconscious act to prevent me from packing angry and breaking things. I called my best girl and cried for a bit out of frustration on the phone, then went back to the washer machine...which is when Han Solo had his dramatic entrance. So I ask what he thinks we should do about it - the washer machine- and he gives it a swift kick {so New Hope of him} and asks "Did ya try that!" Brilliant man of mine. Then he hits the express wash button slaps the lid down and hits start all before I can say a word. The whole afternoon of drenching towels in the washer to soak up the water, transfer those to a garbage bag, walk that to the bath tub, squeeze all the water out, take those back to the washer to soak up more water....need I go on, is flooded and washer away with three little pushes of his finger. I know that he was trying to help and that I asked him to help, but, ReALLy...I mean did he ReALLy just do that. I think my face said it all and he quickly came down stairs did the dishes and helped the girls clean up the carpet. Love ya, babe.

We moved on to cleaning the play dough off the table so left over night could begin. Yeah, that went well - NOT! Then Han Solo decides he is to good for left overs and oh yeah I have an extra hour of meetings tonight so I'm gonna make a few calls, leave, and pick myself something up while I am out. Don't worry about me Han my love I have not eaten yet either. Sorry, I get snippety when I am down.

So Here I AM, sabotaging my diet that I am pretending to be on, not working on my squares which I really want to get done, putting my kids in my bed in front of a show, and I'm gonna drink my third coke for the day, eat a bagel loaded with cream cheese, and call my mommy...

Ahhh....the list. I love lists. They are use full, fun, and very organized. I make tons a day; the to-do list, the shopping list, the financial list, and my favorite the accomplishment list. I try and make an accomplishment list towards the end of the day to make me feel better about myself and how I spend my time. So as I was making new lists I realized that the best way to scratch things off my List of "Things" Bogging Me Down is to further break it down and start somewhere. So today's' list is the unfinished project list...well actually it has be revised and revised and has turned into the craft/sewing portion of the more general unfinished project list. Confused yet? Yeah, I am and this is why things never get done on my farm. So here is the grand-daddy list from which today's list can be found:

THE UNFINISHED PROJECT LIST
(1) get house ready to sell
(2) taxes need to be done and turned in!
(3) new chore charts for family
(4) crafts/sewing box needs to be emptied
(5) deep clean whole of house
*mind you I add to it all the time, so things may change at any moment.

And here is the CRAFT/SEWING portion, in all its glory:
(1) 6-12 month dress for a friend in need
(2) church bags for my girls that were supposed to be Christmas Gifts
(3) Up-cycled Men's shirt Dress for Ansley
(4) Dinosaur mat for girls
(5) the two 1/2 completed scrapbook pages on my desk plus my 3 others for my five of the month
(6) turn in ribbon tip to CKS in hope of publication (in my wildest dream)

I know that is six and I try to keep my lists at five (most important first, then add the others as room opens up) but desperate times call for desperate measures!

So the funniest part about all this is that this list and said posting was supposed to be posted last week when I did it, but as life goes, it went, I got sick and now posting this is on my unfinished project list. So here it is. One thing scratched off and I will report tomorrow on the accomplishments of last week and these lists, cause I did good!

I found this button today while I was peeking at a few of my favorite inspirations. As inspiration goes I am inspired by these ladies and what they are doing for those around them. I am posting this to create inspiration in the lovely people I know. Outside of the items already spoken for, or requested, everything I have left from Lil'peep Clothing will be donated to this cause. To read more please go to Craft Hope for Haiti Esty Shop. To learn more about the ladies behind the scenes and what they do everyday to help others check out their blog Craft Hope. There is such a need and there are so many ways we can help. This is one way I will be helping. I hope that you can find a way to help those in Haiti and or those next door to you. We will never know who is really in need until catastrophe hits -OR- we get outside of our own world and get to know those we live with local and around the world. So please take a few minutes and think of a way your family can help someone else.

Self Observance

So in my quest to better myself and my attitude/mood about life I have been trying to understand what gets me so down. Simple...no.

This past weekend Hans' grandmother passed away. This is a good thing because these last few weeks, and honestly months, have been very hard for her. Her health has been going down hill for a while. Earlier in the year she fell and broke a hip. As statistics go, she did little to improve her walking skills after the surgery and then her mood (which was already on the brink) fell into the pits. For the last year or so she has been confused on a daily bais and often cried because she was embarrassed when she would mix us up. Then two weeks ago she suffered a stroke from which she never recovered. She was conscious from time to time, but her physical condition became so bad that in the end she was surviving on Ensure that we feed to her, as you would a baby bird, with a medicine syringe. It was very hard to do, see, watch and everything else. When the call finally came (almost a week later) it was a relief that her suffering was over and that she had indeed returned to our Father in Heaven where she will be taught and glorified.

The point of all this information is that it made me sit down and really ponder about the "things" that are within my control and the "things" that are not. I started with a list of the "things" that are bogging me down. Here they are in no particular order;

(1) CLUTTER & MESS: I become overwhelmed witht the clutter and mess that is in the house everyday. I can not figure out where to start or what exactly to do.

(2) FINANCES: Money sucks! We need it, we work for it, we spend it, and really it gives us little in return. I want to be debt FREE and while I am working very hard at this goal and have been for at least 6 months now, it is still hard.

(3) GIRLS ATTITUDE: I have three beautiful little girls, all 5 and under, but they are girls. Girls can be sugar but more often they are spice and mine are paprika on steroids. My oldest is at the stage of questioning authority, particularly mine, and had learned that if she says mean things like "I don't like you anymore" the other person becomes sad. With the little ones its just monkey see monkey do.

(4) FEELINGS OF LONELINESS: This last summer was hard for me as my two best friends moved to new states. As much as you can hope and say it won't change things, the reality is, that it does. I have strengthened a few other local friendships in their absence, but it brings the tallie of Out-of-Town best friends to over 6 and that sucks.

(5) TAXES: this is a hate of the season, I HATE TAXES! I hate gathering all the info, see how much we made and wondering where it all went, paying what we owe (we have not received a refund in over 4 years now), all of it. I DON'T LIKE IT!

(6) UNFINISHED PROJECTS: I am the queen of unfinished projects. I get excited about something, start it and then something else happens and I either forget about the old excitement or feel it is not high enough on the priority list. Excuses don't matter but the projects are consuming me.

So there it is the top 6 things that are bogging me down. When I look at this list I come to the realization that almost all six of them are "things" that I have control over, not COMPLETE control, but some at least. And so for the remainder of the month my focus is going to be on this list. I am going to work positively on each of these things and see how much will change.

My first goal is to tackle UNFINISHED PROJECTS. I want them done! Share with me your list so I don't feel alone. Together we will have accountability (a great thing huh) to someone and there's nothing like the power of accountability.

A Project for ME

For the last few years Valentines Day in our house has kinda come and gone. My birthday is shortly before, we are trying to be frugal with our money, and sadly we had a beautiful neice who was born on Feb. 13th 2007 and returned to our Father in Heaven the following day...Valentines. Needless to say, it just has not been the Lovey-Dovey time it used to be before kids and worries and money.

I MISS VALENTINES DAY!

And so for my first project of the year (unfinishd projects from 2009 do not count) I am making a Valentines Advent Calendar with some friends. The point of this calendar is to not only get us excited for Valentines Day but to also give my family the oppertunity to tell eachother how much we love and appriciate one another. Can't you just see the sweet things my 5 year old will write about her younger sisters - well if we start now perhapse when the girls are older they will have developed a good habit.

There will be 14 pockets stitched onto a fabric heart. The first thing you need to know is that this project is inspired from an snazzy lady, Abby at "A Feathered Nest." (http://projectsforyournest.blogspot.com) She made an amazing Christmas Advent Calendar (http://projectsforyournest.blogspot.com/search/label/Christmas%20advent%20calendar) that I fell in love with. I knew that Christmas 09 was out and so I thought 'Hey what about Valentines Day.'

This is how mine will work. Each day we will place a tag that has a family members name on it, onto a clothes-pin which will in turn be attached to the calendar day (pocket) we are on. Example Feb. 1st will be pocket #1 and the tag will have the name Han Solo on it. So on that day each member of our family, other than Han Solo, will write a little love note about Han and place it in that pocket. On Feb. 2nd I will change the name tag on the clothes pin to Ewok the Eldest and move the clothes-pin tag to the second pocket. Everyone will then write a love note to her. This will continue until Valentines Day when we will write a love note about our family as a unit. We have five in our family so this means each Ewok will get 12 love notes and Han Solo and I will get 8 each. There will also be 5 love notes about our family. We have a Valentines Dinner as a family (fancy clothes, sparkling cider and the works) on Valentines and that is when we will take out all our little love notes and read out loud as a family to each person. Our Ewoks are still learning to read and write and so this will be less personable than it would be if each person reads his/her notes to the family member they are speaking about.

Ahh, here come the questions.

'How will you know who wrote what about who?' Well, I thought about that and came up with this solution. Each member of our family will have a pen of a particular color and paper of that same color. This way we know that the pink paper with the blue writting on it is a note from Han Solo to his eldest Ewok. The easier version is to just write 'to' and 'from' on one side of the paper and the note on the other (I have a particular knack for making life more complicated than it needs, to be becuase I love color and organization- such a complicated fetish).

And so there it is. This year for Valentines day there will be a beautiful cake, good food, sparkling cider, and 57 little love notes collected from a handmade advent calendar. That sounds Lovey-Dovey and excellent!

I am excited and THAT is acomplishment #2 for 2010!

I guess I should not count all my Ewoks before I land on Endor and so I will periodically be posting the progress and hopefully instructions so you can get excited and creative too!

I am happy to report that TONIGHT has been about ME...or I should say I MADE it become FOR ME!

This night was supposed to take place last night as Han had no church meetings or activities that needed to be attended, yet we will shortly be saying goodbye to a dear grandmother and so took the opportunity to take the girls to see her one last time. And yet, undeterred in my quest I vowed to myself that I would take time for myself tonight, meetings and all.

When Han arrived home from work I told him that I would need to go out for a bit to price out a project that I soon will be attempting (details in a later post). I let him have his downtime; aka shower, and began to prep for dinner. With all but the cheese cut, I told him I was headed out and he would get some time with the girls (nice cover huh!). Challenge One for this week accomplished - I GOT SOME DOWN TIME. I headed over to a favorite craft store, did a little browsing & price checking then traveled up the road a bit to JITB for a cheeseburger, some curly fries, and a coke (all of which I will work off tomorrow). I then filled the car with gas while I ate my juicy cheeseburger and listened to music that did not belong to the girls. Then I headed home. All in all, a great 40 minute date with myself.

I came home to referee the dinner chores, brush teeth, and threaten death upon all Ewoks who refused to put their pajamas on. Han headed out the door for meetings and I put a Living Scriptures DVD in for the eldest Ewoks and read 2 books to the youngest. After the books and two songs the baby Ewok was asleep in her bed, the DVD was over and it was time for battle. I was prepared and yet the other two went down rather well; once separated, given a drink of water, an extra kiss, and a book each.

And so the second half of my evening for me began. I headed straight to the garage (my haven and home away from home), put on my own favorite DVD, "Pride & Prejudice" (2005 version, sorry but it's the best), and began to scrap a few pictures long overdue. When Han got home from his meetings he made me a delicious cup of caramel hot coco, chatted for a bit and then the rest of the night has been mine. And so now at 12:44am on Friday morning I am recording this achievement while my "&" chipboard dries and Mr. Darcy comes walking up the foggy hill at sunrise to proclaim his unquenchable love for Miss Elizabeth for the second time tonight. Ahhh, lets pause as I stare riveted at the most romantic moment ever caught on film.........

And with that I say, congrats to ME and good morning to you.

THOUGHTS

Okay, so you know how guys have their moments of enlightenment while sitting on the toilet (this fact still bewilders me), well, I have mine while in the shower, attempting to let all the worries of the day rush off me and drain away into the sewer where they belong. And so, this morning, being a Saturday, I took the early shift with the girls to allow my Han some sleep. After he emerged I took Chewy upstairs to for an early nap, went into my room and....turned on my workout video, restarting day one of a six-week program for the uhmmm possibly thirtieth time. After 25 minutes of delight, I turned off the tv, turned on the shower, and....sorted the sorid laundry while the water got warm. Okay, so I am finally in the shower and cleansing and thinking...yes, women do think! My thoughts first raveled to the night before, when Han and I went to an 80's party. I went as Madonna from the "Lucky Star" / "Desperately Seeking Susan" era (it was the only outfit of the icon that I could appropriately where and still maintain my standards-sorry Madonna love your music, but you are a hard lady to dress up as), Han went as Thomas Magnum from "Magnum PI." It was an absolute hoot! I have not had that much fun in a long time. And as I am thinking that thought I think, 'yeah it has probably been a least a year since I have had that much fun and felt excited for something.' Well, that reminded me of a moment that happened just...well...10 days ago when Han was giving me his famous bear hug and I was saying

"...I just can't wait for this year to be over. This has not been my favorite year!"

He looked at me and said (just a note here; when reading this blog assume all abouts and other such 'ou' words to be spoken by Han, truly Canadian, it will make you journey here more authentic, and make me laugh)

"You have said that about the last three years."

Then he let go an walked away. Ouch! That kinda hurt and yet it was true. I have been going through a rough spot in my life. To keep from detouring, I will touch on the "rough spot" in detail, as always, in a separate posting.

From here I thought, I'm gonna figure out why I had so much fun last night. Here are my results:
(1) I spent the day thinking about how I would look and how much fun it would be for others to see me this way.
(2) I called a friend and asked for help, (wow, is that a hard thing for a woman to do or what!) she came and turned my face into the exact look I was going for and it was fun having her do this for me! FUN; fun having a friend come help me out.
(3) I was with my Hans, and a great group of friends, we had good food, play great games, took Polaroid pictures, and just enjoyed each others company.
(4) It was a break from the everyday and the children.
(5) My father-in-law did my counter full of dishes! (Now I love this man to death, but I am sure part of the reason this was done was because I specifically told him not to allow his wife to do it and so he just had to do it to spite me -like father like son, they live to torment me)

So I had fun! As I continued my train of thought to how can I do this more often, not dress up as Madonna, but have more fun, it took me to when my friend was turning me into Madonna, and asked, why did I not use makeup more often and 'fancy up' as I call it. She asked if it is just because of time. Well, yes and no. Time is a thing lacking in this household but, lately it is motivation and desire that is lacking still more. I have been putting everybody else before me. This was my big awakening. Did you miss it? Here it is again:

I HAVE BEEN PUTTING EVERYBODY ELSE BEFORE ME!

(Thank you Lisa. I know you came over to just do my makeup but you have helped me more than you can know by asking that single question. THANK YOU!)

Now this might be ground breaking news to you, I mean this is what a wife and mother do. This is part of our description... right? I believe, Yes, to a point. The problem is that I took that point to an extreme (I am not known for extremes -for those that do not know me that was complete bull and spoken with the thickest level of sarcasm that I can dream up). I have allowed myself to believe that I am doing the right thing because I am supposed to do for others and yet I have gotten to point where just this summer my five year old Ewok came to me, over in the corner of my kitchen SITTING on the floor with MY head in MY knees and MY arms wrapped around MY knees, and said "Mommy, don't cry today, I still love you. We can have a good day, I trust you Mommy, I'll be good". Now when she says "I trust you Mommy" she is really saying 'I promise,' (she IS only five and I say I trust you to her when she asks if she is big enough now to try something new or receive new privileges in the house) but, thinking back this has been the darkest moment of my life. I, that grown lady of almost thirty, was crumpled on the floor bawling like a baby and my FIVE year old came to comfort Me. There is something really wrong about this moment and I never want to be there again!

So THIS is where I have been this year. After cringing in the shower while this memory passed through my mind I was brought to a word I created in response to a blog posting (ahh the age we live in, huh!) of a lady who I admire and whom inspires me. She has been doing this thing where she picks a word to use as the focus of her year. she challenged others to do the same. I have never taken up this challenge but this year, in my quest for change thought this might be a good starting point. So my word was CREATE. I have a whole posting dedicated to this word which will be posted this week. But you have to read this first to understand where I am going this year.

So, CREATE. This is where my thoughts are. And I think you know what, I CAN NOT CREATE ANYTHING RIGHT NOW OTHER THAN misery, torment, anguish, sadness...can I just stop here, you do not need to know everything but do need to understand why my thoughts are where they are. So they are here, back into this unmotivated depressed mind thought that has been plaguing me for sometime. And then it hits me, well actually it slowly crept into the beautiful part of my mind that has been sitting around dusty for the past few months, I NEED TO CHANGE MY WORD TO ME. There it is the second half of my ground breaking news...

I NEED TO CHANGE MY WORD TO ME!

I can not create love, joy and harmony, with a broken down, tired, dirty, mom. I HAVE TO CHANGE ME FIRST. And so Ali Edwards, I am changing my word from CREATE to ME.

THIS IS GOING TO BE THE YEAR OF ME!

I am crying right now, just so you all know.

THIS IS GOING TO BE THE YEAR OF ME!

Many other things will be created, accomplished, restared, achieved, and failed, but this year I will put myself first much, much, MUCH, more often and I am dedicating this blog (which was going to be my new blog for Ordinary Creativity, which you will read about later, if you ever venture her to read again) to Me and the year 2010, where I will recreate me. I will post as little as three times a week and each posting will be dedicated to something about my journey. Come back and read if you like, follow links if you so desire, try out my experiments on yourself if you need them done to. This blog will not be about you and I will not care if you read or do not read (WOW, that was hard but kinda feels good!). What I want is to have a way to feel accountable for my progress. If I am lucky enough to inspire someone else who is sitting on their kitchen floor then I would be happy to hear from you and we can help each other, but I am not going to rest my thoughts of joy on who does and who does not read this. This has just become MY tool for happiness. There will be many changes throughout the year I'm sure. I would love suggestions and/or stories of how you have done any of the things I will try. The other thing I don't want is for friends, locally and afar, to feel bad for me. I believe that I have had these rough times for a reason and no one is responsible for them. So join me if you wish, or not, but I am going to dedicate this year to putting ME FIRST so that I can CREATE all the wonders I want to for my family.