A Note about the NOTs

So once again it has been a while. Have I not had any rants and raves? Ahhh...as that hilarious commercial says...did the piggy cry WEEEEEEEEEEEE all the way home? OF COURSE. I just have not had the time, energy, or desire, really to get on the computer and document any of it.

This blog has always been for me a place for honesty without the fear of offending anyone, cause only a few dear friends even know about it. Well in light of that I just want to put it on record that I am NOT happy in my new town. I do NOT like living in an apartment with three young girls a cat and a handsome man with rather large feet. I do NOT like my current state of being (prego and fat), I do not like the idea of having to fit another person (little or not) into the apartment. I do NOT like that we are no closer to getting out of debt as the car did not pass inspection in our new state, I have to pay for a ob to look at me and say hey you are still pregant and you are getting fat (Have I mentioned that I feel and look fat), our middle ewok has gotten a huge bacterial infection that we have to pay for, our tax refund was rejected, I have been rejected from my own insurance company because now that I am in a new state my pregancy becomes a pre-existing condition with the new state division of my SAME insurance company (Blue Cross Blue Sheild in case anyone wants someone new to hate) and we have to incorporate our business which will cost money, of course. Did I mention its almost time to pay taxes. I do NOT like the fact that I have no friends in walking distance and litteraly know 5 people in this entire city. On the upside I DO LOVE that my two dearest friends still make an effort to come see me. THANK YOU NANCY FOR THE DRIVE AND ANDREA FOR PUTTING UP WITH THIS IN PERSON. I do NOT like the fact that I can not be close to JoLynn to help with the boys and normal girl coaching. I do NOT like the fact that we rarley and I mean rarley see gary for more than an hour of the day.

You know what is really sad. I am so depressed about, I was going to erase that and say something different because depressed is a strong word I thought I had conqured this last year, but the honesty thing right, things that are around me right now that I haven't even had the desire to go look at eye candy at Craft Wearhouse or the local quilt store I found. I have not been in a JoAnns in months and my room of joy is a messy blunder. I feel like I am back to square one....Okay even capturing all this has made me gloomy. I am done now, maybe I will work on my room for a bit.

Okay, it has been a while. The one thing that I have noticed is that when things get really hard, there is always something eles or someone eles that needs an extra hand too! Why is that? Well, I'll give you the gospel answer; you will find joy and peace in serving others.

I know, I know, ya gotta love "Sunday School Answers" BUT, for me this is true. If I am having a very hard time I really do spiritually enjoy serving my friends and family. Sadly my family actually...probably...most-likely gets the short end of the stick, but others do not. I have now move from a house I thought I was not attached too, to an apartment I pray to love. Funny how things work. In the last few weeks before moving a dearest friend also was setting out on a move. Much bigger, grander and more life altering than mine. I miss her and yet I have not called her. I feel very guilty about that. I was overwhelmed as she was leaving and yet her faith and challenges provided a sense of reality for me. She litterally sold everything, EVERYTHING, she owed that would not fit in her car. It tore her up, I could see it although she would not admit it. Her and her husband crossed the country to live with his failing mother. Yes, they were going to help his mother but also it was because they could not make it on thier own right now. There was little work and even less support. Sometimes I felt like I supported them a lot, maybe too much, but in reality, they supported me. They gave back so much love and kindness. My children loved them, I love them, and I miss them as local friends. I MISS SERVING THEM TOO!

My mom recently gave my girls a new book "Service," written by Janeen Brady. In this sweet story the mom teaches her children that through service you learn to love those you serve. It is so very true! I am glad that I enjoy service, even if it comes at the most in-oppertune times in my life. I am grateful that I have come to love so many by serving them.
I am not sure why I am rambling on about this, but perhapse it is because my kids are not adjusting to our new home as well as I would have hoped. There are still so many boxes and things to find a place for (the dumpster and goodwill have been the two most common places). I litterally just went grocery shopping for the first time in almost 3 weeks, for anything (unless you count Mc Donalds and Taco Bell as a grocery store) and I am feeling depressed, lonely, and at odds with my life. What I think it all means is that I am about to meet someone who needs more love and service than I do. So I guess reallly this is a little reminder not to me: Lady, DO NOT complain, you need this, find peace and joy through serivce, and learn to love someone new.

"And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God." (Mosiah 2:17)

"Life is made of moments, small pieces of silver amidst long stretches of tedium. It would be wonderful if they came to us unsummoned, but particularly in lives as busy as the ones most of us lead now, that won't happen. We have to teach ourselves now to live, really live...to love the journey, not the destination." ANNA QUINDLEN

Dealing with the Hard Stuff

Do you have Hard Stuff in your life? Uh, duh! But what is hard? And is hard the same thing today as it was yesterday - Oh, and will tomorrow be harder? The topic for our May meeting was "Dealing with the Hard Stuff." There were some great pointers in it and wonderful questions that made you pause and think. I also loved, absolutely loved, the analogy that was used. Here it is, in random clips from the article:

"Envision {yourself} on the ocean, riding the waves of pain up and down, letting them wash over {you}, accepting the up and downs as part of a beautiful process...You're riding the waves and they just keep coming - the hard stuff, the good stuff, the hard stuff, the good stuff...storms are mediated by the beauty of a friendship unfolding between you and your child and the pride of seeing a unique individual emerge...Every day, every week, every year, each stage of motherhood brings new challenges - and new joys. Just like the waves on the ocean never stop but never last, the waves of joy and pain in motherhood just keep coming. Waves can get big and push us down to the point that we sometimes wonder if we can get back up. But when we keep our heads up, keep treading water with all the hope and love we can muster, and trust that there is peace on the other side of each storm, we make it through again and again, becoming stronger all the while...You can't become the strong and patient and knowledgeable mother you want to be or raise the resilient and wonderful children you dream of without the waves of trails and joy that stretch and grow you and bind hearts together." {Saren Loosli}

Is that not just beautiful!

I have had my fair share of hard days as a mother. I have been completely overwhelmed by tiny things and huge things. I have had days where I have been crying on the toilet, crying in the corner of the kitchen, and crying on my knees in prayer. I have had bad days. Now this is not to say that my children are awful, or my life is unbearable hard. They are great kids, and I live a really really good life. I have a dear friend {who's only daughter is a few days younger than my oldest -5} and she has to deal with the fact she most likely will out-live her daughter. My sister-in-law was only given 24 hours to share with her daughter, before her little girl was taken back to Heavenly Father. I have friends who have fought tooth and nail to adopt children, who have children that struggle with allergies and disabilities. My days are not filled with these problems, BUT, my days have their problems. So how do we as mothers deal with the "Hard Stuff"?

When we are really stressed out what do we do? Do we yell? Use an angry voice? Slam things around? Cry? Shut down, threaten to run away...RUN and pretend that we are running away? What do you do? I cry. I put my clogging shoes on and dance very angry-ly on my deck. I have an 'angry voice' {as my girls call it} and I use it well. Do I like that I do all this? No, not all of it. But you have to have an outlet. There has to be some way that I can deal with my anger and stress, yet in a positive manner that will portray to my children {and husband when the moment calls for it} that the actions that just took place are not okay, or were the last straw added to my aching back. So how do we get through those moments? How do we turn our anger into positive reinforcement? How do we find "Joy in the Journey" when the obstacles that line the pathway appear overwhelming?

I find that when I am battling with the physical projection of my frustrations, if I can sing a children's hymn {normally that is because they are short and to the point} I can refocus on how I want to handle the situation. Now, I do not stop everything going on around me, stand up on the table, and bellow out the verses; but they do run through my mind, tune and all. It calms me and focuses me. This was the question that I came to the group with last night. I wanted to know what other people do in the heat of the moment to keep from losing control. I did not get very many answers, maybe I did not state my question right, but there were a few good ideas. One lady said that she literally takes a breath. This might sound basic but I like it. I hold my breath and bit my lip, but maybe I should just stop and audibly breath. Make a nice loud draw-in and a calming woosh-out. Just doing it right here and now, relaxes my shoulders a bit. One lady said she says a prayer. I do this sort of, but I can not pray in the moment. I like to come to prayer with my thoughts in order and trust me when I am in the moment of a meltdown in a public store, my thoughts are not in a cohesive order. So maybe that is something I can try. I do think that if I prepare for the meltdowns, breakdowns, battle of wills and other such things that plague my life right now, I will be able to better control my outward emotions.

The column gave us 7 tips/reminders to make it through the "Hard Stuff"

(1) Accept that life is hard

(2) Learn from the hard stuff

(3) Acknowledge that EVERY job has it's hard parts
(4) Speak positively to yourself {and I will add- to your family members}

(5) Manage your expectations

(6) Learn to focus on the good

(7) It's okay to be frustrated & overwhelmed sometimes

This column was a nice reminder and check point for me. It made me stop and think. I do not want to slam cupboard doors. I do not want to be known for my "angry voice." I do not want to spank my children or throw away a toy just to make them mad. I want to be calm and loving as I teach them the right way to act. I want to live in the moment and not fret over when the next meltdown might occur. I know that when I do bills I get ornery and so I drink a soda or a cup of hot cocoa and put on a show for the girls to make the environment better. One thing I really liked in the article was this statement; "When you encounter hard times, don't waste your energy worrying about how hard it is - just deal with what needs to be dealt with and march through." Heavenly Father never told us that this was going to be easy but He did promise us that we would find a joy and sweetness above all others, if we endure to the end. I will finish with a quote from the Prophet of God, Thomas S. Monson {it's found in the talk I linked up earlier}.

"This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now."

The Perfect Mom

This month our little group got off schedule and so there will be two post. Here is the breakdown of the topic for the column we read and discussed this month, "The Perfect Mom" by Allyson Reynolds. It was a very good column that focuses on the idea that there is NOT a "perfect" mom and if you are attaining to become such, well, just let me know when you get there! I wrote down all sorts of notes and did a little mommy-soul searching.

What I came to realize is that overall I am doing a good job as a mother. I know the "things" that I let go so that I can accomplish other "things" and in reality I am glad I am able to do this. One of the questions proposed in the group discussion asks you to name qualities of other women you know that you wish you could have. I have a few moms on pedal stools in my mind and these are the qualities I would like to acquire or improve upon; humility, service, confidence, time for myself, and better control of my frustrations. I would love to never raise my voice at my children, but I will justify it with the fact that there are three of them and I have to make sure I am heard...right?!? I was the host this month and so I was able to lead the discussion. I asked everyone if they would not mind going around the room and tell each person a quality that they admired about them. Some people found it awkward, but we made it around our circle and can I just say it was great! I felt like people were able to pick qualities that they saw in these fine women and acknowledge them for their strengths and efforts. We as moms, don't get that very much, and so I feel it really lifted the spirits of our group, at least I hope it did, that was the point.

Another part of the column provided a quote by one of my favorite people, M. Russell Ballard; "There is no perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else." How can you not love that statement! Read his amazing talk "Daughters of God" to further uplift you and to remember what your role as a woman, mother and wife truly is.

Can you tell there were few questions this month. So, another point brought up was that life too, is not perfect. it is more like a train ride. The following quote is by Jenkin Lloyd Jones. "Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed. {The fact is} most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise....Life is like an old-time rail journey- delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling burst of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride." After reading this quote we were encouraged to write down our missed putts and our beautiful vistas. I wanted to take it a step further {does that really surprise any of you? - didn't think so}. So I decided that missed putts were the negatives or challenges in my life that I had control over and the tough meat were those that I do not have control over. The same goes for the good, where the burst of speed are created by me and the beautiful vistas are just there for me to enjoy.

Missed Putts

financial difficulties

lack of current self-worth / confidence

my hair

lack of diligence in scripture study

lack of diligence in Temple attendance

Tough Meat

Truck engine blew up

lousy housing market

Burst of Speed

Total Money Makeover

house looks great

budget is hard but working out to the penny

enjoying our last year in Oregon

Beautiful Vistas

the girls

summer time is here

my hubbie has a calling that gives us so many blessings

enjoying Ansley's last year being home 24/7

So there are mine. What are yours? The point of this exercise for me was to understand what the meat, putts, speed, and views were to me right now. When I had it written out on paper, the bad did not seem as daunting as they really were. I also realized that I had more good than bad. The goal is to shift my daily point of view to the positive and away from the negatives. It really does work when you can do it.

So the exercise concludes with a little pick me up moment where you get to brag a bit to yourself about what you feel you are good at as a mother. I love the idea of focusing on the good and so I am going to list what I think are my strengths. Please don't think I am gloating this is for me and I would encourage you to do it for yourself too.

I get my girls outdoors a lot

I balance my time well so that I spend more time playing with my girls than

cleaning or doing chores {yes, my floor could always use a sweep but I don't care}

I capture, collect, and record our days together

I include the girls in all sorts of activities

I allow them to be little girls, to run, explore and grow up at their own

pace {I do not have a hidden agenda for them}

I enjoy to cuddle with them, read with them, and embrace bonding time

my strengths are that I am

creative

outdoor-ies

open to new ideas and experiences

teachable

patient

organized

consistent

friendly

I came out from this meeting feeling happy about me and what I have been doing for my girls. I know that when I have a positive attitude it affects Han Solo and our entire little planet. We I get down on my knees and thank my father in heaven for all I have been given I realized that being a mother is the hardest but greatest calling of life. Here are two more quotes that I want to include.

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a visions for tomorrow." -Melody Beattie

"I am impressed by countless mothers who have learned how important it is to focus on the things that can only be done in a particular season of life. If a child lives with parents for 18 or 19 years, that span is only one-fourth of a parent's life. And the most formative time of all, the early years in a child's life, represents less than one-tenth of a parent's normal life. It is crucial to focus on our children for the short time we have them with us and to seek, with the help of the Lord, to teach them all we can before they leave our homes." -M. Russell Ballard

A Breakdown of Success

There are many times in my travels though motherhood when I feel that I have made a wrong choice. Times when I have allowed my anger to control my actions and or my voice. Times when I have wanted to give up, times when I have locked my own windows and doors and hid my keys so I could not give up and run. I have three girls. Emotions are pretty high in this little household and as the years go on I am pretty darn sure they are going to get even higher. With that being said I must add to my pile the fact that I am a passionate person and I think my daughters have received that gift from me. The problem with passion is that if you can not learn to control it, it will control you. In the same way that I link the words, charity, hope, and love; I link passion, stubbornness, and anger. If you are passionate about something you often are stubborn about that very same thing and when you allow your passion and stubbornness to mix in a volatile situation, well, the result is anger. Anger is not always bad. Uncontrolled anger that spews from every pore of your body however, rarely ends good for anyone.

This week I found myself in two very volatile situations:

Solution one contained the following mixture; a five and a half year old girl, a fun but long morning, a warm beautiful afternoon (not so bad thus far huh...), a shopping trip for summer clothes, and one shirt. So, my eldest was in a major need of clothing appropriate for summer. Our problem is that we hold certain standards of modesty that the world has yet to embrace. Who really wants their five year old to look like they are thirteen anyway? I could write a whole piece on this subject matter, so maybe I will - another day. It is very difficult to find clothing that has any length of sleeves attached to it for the summer. So, I started my quest at a favorite children's store, where there was a sale going on and I had a coupon for an additional 30% off my entire purchase. I set the kids in front the tv provided (sorry all you good moms, there are times when I will use it as a babysitter and this is one of them), and started digging in the sale racks. I had some good finds. I loaded up my arms called for my eldest and headed to the little changing room that is no more than a curtain on a rod about one foot away from the tv. Well my overly shy, emotional, and tired five year old went into freak-out mode when I asked her to take off her top shirt but leave on the tank top that was underneath (the curtain was close all but for a slit that I was standing against, so that I was outside the curtain and she was within). Enter said FREAK-OUT! All of a sudden she decided that her world would cease to spin if that shirt was to be pulled over her head. I felt I handled the breakdown well within the store. (1) I tried to reason with her, 'just lift your arms up and I'll pull it off' (2) I half-way threatened her with the idea that we could not get new clothes if she did not try them on (3) I bargained with her and said I would take her to the bathroom to take it off. All 3 attempts failed. So I took the clothes to the sales lady and asked her to hold them for the next two hours. Then I walked my little troupe down to the public bathrooms where I again tried to take the shirt off. NOT A CHANCE! So out comes the threat: "We are going home if you do not take this shirt off right now!" Through her passionate sobs I drag her back to the car (afraid all the while that I will be accused of child abuse, it's happened before) with my other ducks in tow and drive home. Once at home (after quite a lecture of which she heard very little through her screams and the fact that she had her hands smashed against her ears, least the evil might seep in), I take her inside and again give her a chance to take the shirt off- to no avail. In my mind the notion that this shopping trip must be done today and right now has overwhelmed the reasonable thoughts that are telling me to back down and choose a different battle to fight. And so the battle of wills begins. She is out of control at this point (actually she has been uncontrollable sense we left the store) and I am quickly giving up my control to frustration which is be emitted as anger. The end result is that in my attempt to remove the shirt from her body and her attempts to yank it back onto her body the shirt literally rips. You know how you have certain outfits of your children's that you just love, well this was one of mine, so my heart sinks at the sound. She however sees it as an opportunity to get the shirt off in another way and tears at the rip, stretches hers arms out wide, and before I can let go the shirt is literally ripped off of her little body. RIPPED OFF. Shredded up the left side. I was so angry that I had nothing left. I sank to the floor and sobbed, which in effect freaked her out more than anything and she came running over to apologize while trying to hug me. Here I feel like I failed. Now we did go back and ironically found many great items and stayed under my budget, but I do not see it as a success.

Today, just prior to starting this I was given a second chance. Solution two contained the following mixture; a three year old, a long day, a lot of rain and little chance to play outside, an afternoon filled with friends touching her toys, a dinner that she did not like, and a tired mom. So, our middle daughter was crying about wanting, wanting, wanting, dessert (a banana bar, really frozen yogurt) before dinner. To this I said NO about thirty times. She was finally told to sit on the couch and not move till I finished getting dinner on the table. Well, she began to fall asleep (a very bad thing at this time of night about, 5:38). So her dad rolled her over and told her to stay awake. Apparently that was a mistake. Full on war ensued. She wanted a banana, she wanted juice, she wanted to eat on the couch not at the table, she wanted wanted wanted but definitely did NOT want to listen. This one loses control often and she needs a shock to come back to life. I know it sounds evil but that shock for her is about 2 seconds of a cold shower. So that's what she got. But tonight, not even that was going to make the world spin again. I told her I would give her one more chance to calm down and go eat or she was going off to bed. I finally got her to the table with the promise of a banana along with her dinner. I thought we had made it until I turned and watched the freshly peeled banana begin to break at the middle and start its heartbreakingly slow decent to the floor. This happened in the whole of one second but I saw my evening flash before my eyes. Out came the uncontrollable sobs again and all control was lost. I went so far as to offer her Sprite with dinner thinking it would (1) make her happy and (2) keep her awake at least till 7:30 so the night would not be shot. No luck. I picked her up out of her chair and walked upstairs to her room resolved to stay calm and hold her till she just fell asleep. As I laid there with my legs draped over her lower limbs, my right arm under her head, and my left arm was across her chest to keep her from hitting and scratching my face (cause she is really good at it and it hurts really bad, not to mention the marks it leaves), I started to pray. The music was playing and all I could do was pray.

I prayed for patience, for more love, and a longer fuse. I prayed that my girls would learn to control their emotions and learn how create a longer fuse for their time bombs. Of course I prayed that all this would happened in the next few moments, although I knew that this would be learnt throughout their lives so that when they were moms and they had moments like these, they could choose the right, and be in control. As I have become a mom I have learned that I have a hard time allowing my children to win battles. I have learned to create a longer fuse to my bombs and I have learn things that help me keep control over the emotions that I emit in such situations. Tonight, I was in control. I was calm and collected as she thrashed under me. I kissed her and stroked her hair. I prayed for her and for me. I did not worry or get angry about the fact that I had to now reheat my dinner and eat alone. I did not fume and allow the knowledge that this time lost for her and me, from dad tonight could not be recaptured. I worried only a little, about what our new neighbor might be hearing through the walls and how she would perceive it. Best of all when she did fall asleep in my arms with her head nestled in my chest holding my hand rather than trying to scratch it off, I felt good. I succeeded tonight. I did not win the battle, but I choose the right.

"I HATE YOU! GET OUT! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FACES AGAIN!" Wow do those words carry a punch when they come out of the mouth of your sweet and beautiful little girl. I was supposed to start my Slim-in-Six tonight but after that punch in the gut I straightened my hair for my Big Date tomorrow night and am now enjoying a cup of Cocoa with whip cream (a rarity - the whip cream not the Cocoa). Any-whoo, MOM, I will keep a tab on the sidebar of my progress. Here is my weekly schedule:

Mon: SI6 stretch, clogging 9-12, SI6 tummy & butt
Tue: SI6 stretch, SI6 workout
Wed: SI6 stretch, SI6 workout, clogging 10-11:30 (switch with Thurs clogging)
Thurs:SI6 stretch, SI6 workout, SI6 tummy & butt (switch with Wed clogging)
Fri:SI6 stretch, SI6 workout, walking with girls
Sat:SI6 stretch, SI6 workout
Sun: SI6 stretch, SI6 tummy & butt (it is the day of rest)

I will put all my stats from the start date on the side board with the ticker. Wish me luck and keep me honest.

A Warm Cup of Cocoa to Dry My Tears...

So today has been a rough day. I don't feel like going into details because I'm not even in the mood to complain. Here is the quick list of disappointments.

(1) I had to cancel a spontaneous yet, most desired, trip to Canada to attend the Vancouver B.C. Temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Why? 'Cause when I started making photo copies of the kids birth certificates and such I realized that my passport expired in '08. Really, talk about being prepared with my oil when the bridegroom comes. Dear Han Solo will not go without me and while I can get into Canada and go to the open house, the US won't let me back into my country. Go figure. I cried for almost a day and still cry every time I think about it. My two bf promised to take pictures for me but that is as close as we will get.

(2) Got feedback from the first couple (or person to be exact) to come see my house...they hate it! Said our 'white tile' which is actually creamish is ugly and our back is undesirable. They thought we were over priced and had no interest what-so-ever in my sweet little home. I was determined that other peoples opinions would mean very little to me, but while this couple now means very little to me, I have begun to realize how much I do love my home and how hard it truly will be to leave it. Thanks a lot jerks! (sorry that was mean, I am sure they are very nice people)

(3) I think that the Republic has killed all the Ewoks on Endor cause my three beautiful little Ewoks are no where to be found. On the same note there seems to have been a baby boom on what ever planet Chewbacas come from cause there are tons of those running around my house and I swear they multiply like Gremlins every time I say "NO." (NO, I am not saying I am pregnant, despite what others dream, think, or say - we are done!)

(4) I went to Craft Warehouse today with a friend and saw that they now carry Amy Butler fabric, My Little Yellow Bicycle, and they had a new line from Basic Grey. These are all a few of my favorite things and now I have a bad case of 'the WANTS'.

Amy Butler (Love)

I know I want to make a pillow out of some of these, maybe a footstool pillow or a rollie-pollie pillow, I could go on forever. And this one I want to turn into a 'Liverpool' tunic for spring.

So, what's so bad about all this (4) stuff at Craft Warehouse, well we don't have the money to have 'the WANTS'. I did splurge at JoAnns today when I saw that these beautiful mugs I have had my eyes on for months (really it's been about 5-6 months since I first saw them) went on clearance from $10 a mug (REALLY? what were they thinking?) to $2. There were 5 left, how perfect is that. The other thing that I think I will splurge on is this Willow Tree Remembrance journal that is now available at our Deseret Bookstore. I have been doing pretty good with my gratitude journal but it is a composition book that I said I was going to fancy up. This is what it currently looks like. I think the Remembrance journal will be how I fancy it up. I also want to get a copy of Dieter F. Uchtdorf's new book "The Remarkable Soul of a Woman."

Maybe a certain Han Solo could fly the galaxies and return with these precious gifts in time for Mothers Day.

So now, that it took an hour to do all this, the Mariners lost in the 10th and the Blazer game is long over, I will make my third cup of Hot Cocoa in my new mug and take it up stairs to read my current novel "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett.

It's Nice to be Wrong.

This last year has been a moving year for those close to me. My three best friends moved over last summer / fall to two different states (Utah & Washington). Before this another great friend moved to Washington DC and even local friends moved further "down the road". Maybe I should shower more!?! Any-hoo, because I knew that I would be the next one to rent a Uhal, I have been reluctant to strengthen friendships here, let alone make new ones. I figured I still had one of my top 5 just "down the road" and that would be enough. Well I did become closer to one friend right off tha bat, but I knew that would happen. Then my eldest Ewok started preschool with a new bunch of ladies. Yes, I became closer to some 'church' friends and guess what? One moved this weekend and the other has her house up for sale with the same Realtor we are working with. REALLY, is this necessary!?! I yelled at myself then took a little self-evaluation of how well I was NOT making new friends in this area and came to realize that I'm not doing very good at it at all. I have in fact strengthened one friendship and formed two others that I never thought I would.

It is along these lines that I am glad to be wrong about a beautiful lady that is quickly becoming a dear friend. At first I thought that she either was (1) perhaps snobbish but very kind and working on changing it or (2) she really did not like the person I am but felt obligated to be 'friends' because our hubbies are friends. I WAS WRONG, on both accounts. My new impression is that despite her beauty, intelligence, and abilities she is not sure how others feel about her and where her place is in our area. (Funny how deep down inside we are all the same) I also feel she is kinda high strung about certain things and that makes her nervous and she does not like to feel that way so when this happens she removes herself (and children) from the situation. She is not abruptly leaving my house because it is not clean enough or good enough for her and her family, she just knows her limits. I think also she is a mover, she never really slows down for much, to eat or clean, or just walking. I am now excited about what I can learn from her.

This is what I will be writing in my gratitude book today; I am grateful for my new friendship and to be wrong about a person who confused me. I hope I can learn from this that I am too judgmental on myself and my perception of others and how they feel about me and my family. I need to stop projecting my insecurities thought others eyes. There might just be a chance that I will make some great friends here in the next few months and then miss them when I move. That is life, friends come and go and what is so wrong that.

"Power of Moms"

Ironically I was invited (by two women I adore) to join a group last month. Now, I know that this goes against my desire to not be associated with any one clique or group but after much thought I decided that to decline this invitation would be declining the opportunity to improve my family life and mothering abilities. And so, with this thought in mind I went to my first group meeting since Girl Scouts and Leadership in high school (we just won't mention exactly how long ago that was). Guess what...?...I did not die and to the contrary I actually enjoyed myself.

We are a Learning Circle of the larger group under the direction of The Power of Moms. We are given an article that has questions and topic discussions and we meet once a month to talk about it all and learn from each other. So along with my whole accountability need, I am going to, monthly answer the questions and tell you all what I am going to work on. I will not be sharing the article or questions as I think that is a breach in the copyright, but if you are interested you may follow the links I have provided or find some cool articles and just do it all on your own (I knew I would never actually do it or find the time to do it so this is my option). Any ideas and suggestions from you would be loved as always.

(1) My gauge of success right now is the following: my children are fed, alive, and semi happy at the end of the day, my hubbie is likewise fed and happy, I have taken a shower, cleaned something in my house, ate, and am semi happy as well. Small and pety...?...perhaspe but doable and attained! As life success I want my family to have a knowledge and love of The Gospel of Jesus Christ and I want us to follow the commandments of God. I want to maintain a happy and healthy marriage. Like wise I want us to be a loving and caring family. Success means that we have a dwelling to live in and enough food on the table for us to survive and enjoy. I think that if when I die these things have been fulfilled to best of my ability then I have had a successful life.

(2) I am not a victim and have never really felt like one. I know that I have chosen to be a mother and although I did not fully understand all that I was saying yes to, I in no way regret my decision. My problem then, is not feeling like a victim to the life I am leading but trying not to react to influences that are beyond my control. I am a stubborn fighter and I know it. I need to learn to control those urges when 'things' happen and let somethings go.

(3) Unrealistic expectations are a disease of self-confidence. I have three children 5 and under, for me this can be a lot at times. Here are my top 5 unrealistic expectations that I place on myself pretty regularly (in black) and a more realistic version (in red).
a) my children will behave and not complain while doing chores: accomplish 3 chores per day regardless
b) I can start and finish an art project (of any variety) to the level of wonderfulness that I want it to be on any given day that I feel so inspired (which is almost daily - note the problem?): limit myself to 1 project per week
c) I should go to bed every night feeling amazingly happy : write in my Gratitude book every night after reading Scriptures
d) we should have enough money for the essentials and the fun we want to have: ?
e) I should lose 35 pounds to get back to my marriage weight: lose 1-5 pounds per month by limiting the number of cokes I drink and working out more

(4) I need more gratitude in my life. The more that I give thanks the more I find to give thanks for. This is one of my focuses this month.

(5) So this question is about in what areas of your life can you be less than perfect or be satisfied with mediocrity, I don't think I have a problem here. I made a New Years Resolution two years ago that I would spend more time playing on the floor with my girls than I would cleaning it. Wow, that was a great resolution that I have continued to live. I think I could let go of others perception on me and the 'awards' (good or bad) that I feel those should bring. I want to be satisfied with being mediocre to the world and fabulous to my family.

(6) I want to become Fulfilled by my life.
I want to become more Intelligent in the Holistic atmosphere of life.
I want to become more Active.

(7) My voices need to stop telling me that I look like a mom who has given up on herself for the benefit of her family, because in reality it does not benefit them at all. My mood and attitude have a huge impact on my family and the life that we lead, if it sucks then I should not be surprised that my family 'life' feels sucky too! My voices need to stop telling me that I need recognition from the world to feel important and desirable (in many areas of my life, not sexually). My voices need to stop telling me that we will not make it out of our money crunch. We are following the counsel of our living Prophet and the Spirit and working our tails off to be debt free (school, work, house, and stupid stuff!) and that is a good thing. Yes, it is awful and hard and drags us down but, in the end we will be liberated by our success!

(8) Funny, it's been about an hour and I can still not think of something that I will cut out or not do this month. I have been purging myself of 'things' as of late and so I feel that need has been meet.

(9) This month I will spend some money on an activity for Gary & I to do together. We 'date' with our favorite show and a homemade milkshake from time to time but we need to really go out and have a night where we can talk and relax and play for longer than an hour.

So there it is. I'll post a "Power of Moms" monthly.

Paint Fumes...

Okay so it has been a few days?....weeks?...the sad part is I can't even remember so that is the first indication that I have been ignoring myself. I have. We currently have our house up on the market and that means that someone had to get it ready to go on the market. Yeah, why beat the issue dead, it was me, with the help of Han Solo and his dear parents who helped with child care, physical labor, and a lot of storage. We painted almost every surface of our house and I still have the baseboards to go. I never thought our house was ridiculously small - it is actually a very nice house and we could live here forever and sacrifice our want for acreage to live a good life here, alas we must move for work and so will move from here to an apartment to save more money to get the house and the land we want. Very little comes from wishing on a star, we know.

So an update, I have not lost any more weight this month, but as my mom pointed out I have maintained. I slacked on my vitamins of D3 & Omega3 and I could really tell, which is a good thing because that means that they are doing their job (happy to say it was easy to get back on track with those). The best part of all this was the meditation that I was able to do while painting. Kind of like my revelation in the shower (which started all this) I came to some conclusions which has really benefited me.

There is a group of ladies that I am acquainted with who have a particular knack for excluding others from their little adventures but then talking about how wonderful they were and how great of friends they all are, while you (being one of many not included) are sitting with and group of them. I have tried to ignore this, I have tried to comment (thinking that was what they wanted and it would help move the conversation to a more even playing field - it was not very successful), and then I finally tried the avoidance method, as I think many others are doing. Well this has worked the best. I enjoy these women one-on-one they are young, beautiful, intelligent and delightful ladies in their own way and on their own, but something happens when they form a group around themselves. They have the ability to transfer you emotions and thoughts back to high school when your clothes mattered, your hair style mattered, the car you drove, the boy you clung to. They transport you here and make you feel like the unpopular kid you either once were or swore you never would be. This is why I avoid them as a group, I don't want to go there and I like my thoughts to be on how I am doing good as a mother, my hubbie still loves me and although he has lost all his hair he is sexy and provides for me and my girls emotionally, temporally, spiritually and in every other way I can think of. I don't' have a lot of great clothes but my car is perfect for my family and we a have a beautiful home.

The one thing I don't get a lot, that they seem too, is the "girl time". I think this is where the problem and solution lie. I would love to be able to go out once a week with girl friends and get a coke at a fav restaurant or just watch a great chick flick and eat ice cream...but...(1) I am married to an amazing man and I am the mother to amazing girls I want to be with them too. (2) I only have my hubbie around 2 nights during the week and Saturday is a family day and Sunday we devote to Church and family. (3) I want to use money as an excuse, because we don't have tons, but really I would use it on something else any way so its not really a huge factor here. Really I guess it is that, is girl time worth more to me than family time...NO. Easy but at times it still hurts. So here is my conclusion. I got my girls time in college, I played a lot, I dated a lot, I stayed up late at night with my roommates and watched chick flicks and ate ice cream, we went shopping together and went on mini vacations, we cried and laughed and got all that bonding done. These girls went about this a different way, some went to college, some didn't, they all married young and had children relatively fast (of course there are exceptions to ever rule but these are my generalizations). Point being they did not get their girls time in college before marring and starting families. Now they are trying to capture that. To find out who they are together as a group, to get that acceptance that they need and to form friendships with their children.

Well here is my new perspective: GOOD FOR THEM. GO HAVE YOUR GIRL FUN. ENJOY IT! I LOVED MINE AND I MADE AMAZING LIFE LONG FRIENDS, AND NOW WE CALL OR EMAIL AND SEND PICTURES AND BRACKETS TO EACH OTHER AND WE LIVE OUR LIVES AS MOMS AND WIVES. I AM HAPPY WHERE I AM AND I DON'T NEED TO GO OUT MULTI PULE NIGHTS A WEEK OR JOIN 5 CLUBS TO FEEL SATISFIED. I AM FULFILLED BY THE LOVE THAT MY HUBBIE, GIRLS, PARENTS, AND BEST FRIENDS GIVE ME WHEN EVER WE HAPPEN TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER.

I am now resolved to avoiding the group and enjoy my life rather than living in the past. This may sound silly but I would paint my whole house over again to feel as satisfied as I am now with this whole issue. For those of you living close in proximity to me and feeling the same as I have been, remember who you are right now and know that you are not alone and you can go to any park at any time and not feel like the uninvited third wheel. Power to me! Yeah!

Okay I'm done.

Part 2 of HELP!

So here is a posting from a friend that sums up my feelings on all those amazing blogs and sites out there that we look at to inspire us and then walk away feeling....well like I did yesterday. It is classic and I higly suggest you reading it; The Blogosphere Killed My Momfidence.

Need a little HELP...

So, I have accomplished a few things since the departure of my mother. My main focus and goals have been on the house and taxes (which is a deadline overdue). I have been using the clutter techniques from the Fly Lady and spending just a bit of time (30 minutes) on dreaded tasks before doing something I want to do. This is how yesterday went and where I am today (READ ON PLEASE, I'LL COME TO A POINT SOONER OR LATER).

9-11 clogging (notice I have cut off an hour to get more things done on Mondays!)

11-12:30 Costco (produce, lunch, & girl time)

12:30 Put baby Ewok to bed and let the other two ride bikes while I prepared the front for a power-wash bath

12:45 Set-up Power wahser

1:10 Yelled at power washer for not working, got all worked up and went over to the alley way and swept all the cigarette butts that the apartment dwellers leave on our street while they use our alley way as their own personal smoke house.

1:20 Walk back to the house to discover that my next door neighbors "For Sale" flyer's are being put in her box and she is selling for $9,500 less that we are going to post ours for at the end of the month

1:21 CRY

1:30 Call BF for back-up and a little boost. LOVE THIS LADY AS SHE JUMPED RIGHT ON MY TRUCK AND IS COMING DOWN FRIDAY FOR A WORK DAY.

1:45 Started painting

6:12 Warm up left overs for Ewoks dinner, then continued to paint.

7:30 Han Solo got home so I stopped painting to say hi and tell him to warm up left overs for dinner. I grabbed a bag of chips and a coke for my dinner and heading back up stairs (made progress see) to finish more painting.

8:10 Realized that the Ewoks were still awake but had not gotten a bath, so I told Han to do it and went back to painting.

8:20 Put baby Ewok to bed and went back to painting. Cleaned it all up at 8:35.

8:40 blow dried both Ewok's hair and cuddled with them in my bed watching the Olympics for a bit.

9:20 Took first shower of the day (for those that dance with me, I know I'm gross but it just didn't happen earlier) then fell into bed.

Okay so a lot got done in reality, BUT in my head this morning as I look at my little sampling of favorite blogs that inspire me I find myself not inspired but disappointed in myself and the lack of abilities I feel I am without.

WHY, why do we, as women, do this to ourselves.

Even after writing out the things that I did do yesterday, things that needed to be done, this is where my mind is; 'My house is a mess, the sink is full of dishes but the dishwasher is empty, I have two loads of clean laundry waiting to be folded and 3 hampers full of clothes waiting to be cleaned. My advent calendar from Valentines is not done, the dress I wanted to make for the girls are not finished, which means I am not getting money for the two I want to sell, a friend is having a baby shower tonight and the bow tie and booties I want to make for her are still only in my head, I don't even have material for them, and even if I were to go and look at material I feel I have no money left to buy it or food or anything (which is a slight over-exaggeration) and that brings me to my taxes which are due, LIKE NOW! And I found out that the tags on my car are expired and now I have to go to the DEQ and the DMV today in between dance and its raining out so the park day I promised the girls yesterday when it was bright and beautiful and I, YES I, wanted to power wash the front patio so I told them we couldn't go, but the power washing never got done'.

NEGATIVE! NEGATIVE! NEGATIVE! WOW.

Great way to start your day huh. Help me out a little here. I need to know what others do when they get this way (other than uppers please) and if you don't get this way, rather then handing me a knife for my gutt, just make something up that sounds good. I need some good ideas for days like these.

Mommy & Me Shopping Trip

So one of my new rules for 201o is:

Before shopping for clothing you must (1) make hair pretty (2) make face pretty (3) put on your favorite jeans and everyday shoe (4) put on a favorite shirt that you feel smok'in in.

Normally when shopping for clothes I start out in an okay mood and then the more I see myself naked in those wondrous mirrors the worse my mood becomes. I leave the store with nothing because everything makes me look fat and sloppy and my hair that looked okay pulled back when I got there now looks like a birds nest, and my eyes are red because I am on the brink of tears... Sound familiar? I HATE SHOPPING. I hate spending the money on myself because I can come up with 20 other things to do with it for my family, I hate finding a shirt I love and then reading the price tag, I hate my ankles, I hate, I hate, I hate. The rest of the day is shot because my mood is so poor and Han Solo is disappointed to see me wear the same shirt (normally a Blazer or AM favorite) for the third day in a row (YES, I wash them in between that's why they are barley a year old and they have holes in them already). Shopping can really ruin my day and my attitude about myself.

Well, today my mother took me out shopping for clothes as a birthday gift. I followed my new rule and I felt great walking out the door. I even got so into it that I put on earrings. Now this is big. I normally do not don such lavish things as earrings and necklaces unless it is a Sunday and we are headed to church or Han Solo and I are actually going out on a date. I felt great! So this is what I wore. My favorite jeans (dark and crisp), a long sleeved gray Shade shirt (love them!), a light grey cropped short sleeve sweater, and my NEW Uggs Han & the Ewoks got me for my birthday (Han Solo sacrificed a few lunches for these bad boys, I LOVE HIM!). I took 10 minutes and put makeup on and actually refreshed my lip gloss three times, cause (DON'T tell Han but) I noticed a few glances in my direction - now this could easily be due to the fact that my youngest Chewbacca was very vocal but I'll stick to my SMOK'IN theory for self gratification reasons).

I found five great tops that I felt beautiful in and I walked out of the store and mall feeling great. I will wear one tomorrow and one on Sunday. Today I fell in love with myself again...if at least for only a day. Thanks Mom, for a great birthday gift. Thanks Han baby and my little Ewoks for a new pair of Uggs, and thanks to everyone else that made my thirtieth birthday one to remember.

Farewell Twenties

Age is Relative

They shall still bring forth fruit in old age;

they shall be fat and flourishing.

-Psalm 92:14

It always good to know that you are following the scriptures and this one is particularly easy to follow. As I sit here and eat my cereal I am hit with the reality that this is the last day I will ever be in the twenty's and I am starting on a new decade. WOW. I have accomplished many amazing things. Here are a few at the top:

1. I am sealed for Time & Eternity to the greatest man in the world

2. I have three amazing little girls

3. I have a Bachelor's Degree in my favorite field

4. While the numbers are limited the girls that I call my favorite are the most inspiring, spiritual, amazing, and beautiful women I know, I love them and they love me

5. We own a house (if only for a few more months)

6. I have traveled to different countries (thanks mom & dad) and learned so much from that

7. I have found a Hobie that I love and I think I'm pretty good at (which helps the ego)

8. My Han Solo bought me the coolest car ever for my birthday a few years ago

9. I still play and love sports, I dance every week, and get out of the house almost on a daily basis with my Ewoks to explore the world around us

10. Despite all the things I am trying to improve because I have not been as happy as I think I should be...guess what I AM HAPPY and I AM LOVED!

Not a bad list on the last day of my twenties.

President Gordon B. Hinckley said this;

"Age is more a matter of how you feel, how you think, and what's going on in your head than what's going on in your feet."

I hope that for the next ten years I will be able to remember this. I remember growing up and I had some friends who's mothers and fathers were the same age as my grandparents and I thought WOW they are old. Others were younger but acted old and then there were mine who were not too young and not too old. I remember them as having fun and enjoying life with my brother and I. I remember thinking I want to be young enough when I am a mom so that I can be considered fun to my kids and we can play and do things together. I had my first Ewok at the same age my mother was when she had me, so I am on a good track. Thanks mom & dad for the last 30 years and thanks Han Solo for still thinking I am beautiful and fun even if I will no longer be a twenty-something.

Farewell Twenties HELLO THIRTIES!

My second deadline is upon me and hopefully, if I stay up till Midnight, I will complete the advent calendar tonight. Just so I feel a little better, here are a few of my excuses:

(1) My washer machine has been broken since last Thursday or Friday and I have to walk my clothes down the street to a sweet friends house so Han Solo and I are not dubbed the "stinky family"

(2) I have been teaching my eldest Ewoks preschool since November and this is my last week. Actually my last two days of teaching my first born preschool ever...I am kinda emotional about this...really emotional.

(3) I have started on my house projects for the week which include packing more boxes, painting before my mom comes and visits, moving boxes to in-laws for cheap storage, and other things.

(4) As I am sitting here my youngest two Chewies are litterly running circles around the island screaming at each other because the middle Chewy stole the Chutes& Ladders game they were attempting to play, and so now the little Chewy has jumped up to the table and stolen the other Chewy's left over circle which is being poured into her own....bowl was the attempt table and floor are the outcome. TO MUCH NOISE I MUST GO NOW!

My first Failure

"The Lord did not send you here to fail. He did not give you life to waste it. He bestowed upon you the gift of mortality that you might gain experience - positive, wonderful, purposeful experience - that will lead to life eternal."

Is that not beautiful! I think of this quote every time I fail or think that I have failed at something. So why is it here today? Because it is February 1st and my advent calendar is not finished. And yet I will prevail. We will be writing our love notes to Han Solo tonight after dinner and tomorrow my family will write love notes to me and by Wednesday we will place those notes into an advent calendar that will almost be complete.

Yet with failure there is success. These are the items from my unfinished project that I did complete and it does feel great to be free of these. This week I am working on unfinished projects around the house. My list will be posted tomorrow. So here are my successes.

Actually the disc from Costco is not working so you don't get to see my successes but I completed all 3 church bags, made a dress for a friend, finished the up-cycled shirt dress, and worked a bit on other items. One day the pictures will be up...perhaps.

Faith and Healing

THIS is not exactly what this blog is for but I feel like I need to get something off my chest so that I am at peace with the situation. "Faith Healing" A husband and his wife are on trial for negligent homicide because their 16 year old son died of an illness in 2008. When this happened maybe a year ago, I don't really remember, but it was a little 5 year old girl I remember thinking 'I'm kinda glad the mom and dad are being questioned about their decisions.' I have thought about it a lot.

We almost lost one of our little Ewoks when she was 18 months old. She looked like she had the flu and it was a Friday. I remember thinking that (1) I could take her in now to the ER and pay way more than the $30 co-pay to hear 'Congratulations she has the flu, take her home and let her rest' OR (2) I could wait till Monday and if she was still sick then I could take her into our doctor and we'll go from there. Things got a bit worse on Saturday and then that night we noticed that she was vomiting when her fever spiked at 103, but then it would fall back down to a resting point of 99. This was different than anything I considered normal and a few things triggered in my mind. I PRAYED, my husband and another man gave her a Spiritual Blessing, and we 'held out' the Sunday with plans to go right in on Monday if things got worse. I AM NOT A MEMBER OF THE "FOLLOWERS OF CHRIST" CHURCH IN OREGON CITY, I AM A MEMBER OF THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS. On Monday morning it was bad. We called and went right into our doctor, where they were able to culture Ecoli from my baby's blood, urine, and I am sure they could have gotten it off her clothes from the results they received. She was very sick and they said had we waited even a few more hours we might have lost her. WOW. I have not lost a child but I have felt the torment in more than one instance.

I also understand and beleive in FAITH. I do not agree that with the idea that if someone is sick it is God's will and we should NOT ACT but just wait and see if that person dies because it is how it is supposed to be. I believe that FAITH requires not only fervent prayer but also requires us to listen to the response and then ACT accordingly. I have prayed and received promptings of the Spirit sometimes suttle sometimes it felt like a kick in the gut. My point is that while I do not agree with the practice of 'Faith Healing' I believe in FREEDOM OF RELIGION. This boy was 16 years old and told his parents that he wanted to be healed, if it was Gods will, through this method of 'Faith Healing'. THAT IS HIS RELIGIOUS CHOICE. Is this not one of the very foundations of our great country?

Another bit of food for thought, what about the childhood obesity rate? These children get diabetes and other illnesses, they walk down a road leading to heart attacks and other such things, yet the parents are not guilty here. I HATE DOUBLE STANDARDS! I REALLY DO! If we think that a boy with a congenital disease dies because he and his family chose an alternate form of health / healing and we can charge his said parent with "negligent homicide" why don't we put parents up on trial with children of obese weight when they die as an adult. I bet they as a family chose to eat more than their bodies needed and I doubt that those actions were religiously based. My point is although I do not agree with how this family choose to deal with their sons illness, I do believe that this country is going to far into our homes. Religion is a right our forefathers gave to us with their blood, how much longer will this founding principle be a part of our land? I just don't know anymore.

As a side note: I was out of cream cheese and opted for a few handfulls of trail mix with my coke! Brilliant dinner eh?

Self-Sabotage

You know how you have those days were almost everything goes wrong and so NOTHING goes right, even if it did. Well, today is one of those days for me.

My morning routine was thrown off because we had an impromptu-to field trip for my eldest Ewok's preschool group, which means for me a family trip where I try and teach the girls something educational. We made it through in fair condition and then went to a nearby eatery with and outdoor play structure for the kids. We get few rainless days here on Endore in the Winter/Spring time so we had to take advantage off it. Again we fair okay but were sitting on the border line of disaster, which struck the moment the five minute waring was up. *!KABAM!* I sent three Ewoks up the structure and the Chewys meet me at the bottom of the slide with much hesitation and Chewy-talk. So onward and forward we went to BED! I sat next to them in bed as stitched another square of my advent calendar. As I was doing this I realized two things: (1) February starts on Monday and I am no where close to finishing the calendar and (2) that beeping sound, which was adding to my headache, was coming from the washer machine. Now the whole washer machine thing would not be so bad had I acted on my Mom's advise and extended our warranty last month when it expired, but as things seem to go in my life lately, I procrastinated, and now it is beeping. You don't need details {cause they are not pretty} but I spent much of my afternoon and early evening dropping towels into the washer to soak up the water that won't drain because the washer is off balance {according to it's lcd screen}. This is when Han Solo found me when he returned a bit early from work today.

But, before we add another character into the day we must regress a little...my sweet neighbor droped by to tell me that she is putting her house up on the market on the 14th of Feb. What the crap! My goal has been to have ours up by the beginning to middle of March. What am I supposed to do now. She is posting lower than we want to and she has no kids so her house will be {it always is} spotless at a moments notice when a buyer comes-a-knocking. I love her to death and yet I am so upset. She told me this, by the way, while I was in the middle of backing my fourth box of random crap that co-habitates in my house. Then of course feeling all mushy like I do, I gave her the rest of my boxes so she could get started packing. It probably was a subconscious act to prevent me from packing angry and breaking things. I called my best girl and cried for a bit out of frustration on the phone, then went back to the washer machine...which is when Han Solo had his dramatic entrance. So I ask what he thinks we should do about it - the washer machine- and he gives it a swift kick {so New Hope of him} and asks "Did ya try that!" Brilliant man of mine. Then he hits the express wash button slaps the lid down and hits start all before I can say a word. The whole afternoon of drenching towels in the washer to soak up the water, transfer those to a garbage bag, walk that to the bath tub, squeeze all the water out, take those back to the washer to soak up more water....need I go on, is flooded and washer away with three little pushes of his finger. I know that he was trying to help and that I asked him to help, but, ReALLy...I mean did he ReALLy just do that. I think my face said it all and he quickly came down stairs did the dishes and helped the girls clean up the carpet. Love ya, babe.

We moved on to cleaning the play dough off the table so left over night could begin. Yeah, that went well - NOT! Then Han Solo decides he is to good for left overs and oh yeah I have an extra hour of meetings tonight so I'm gonna make a few calls, leave, and pick myself something up while I am out. Don't worry about me Han my love I have not eaten yet either. Sorry, I get snippety when I am down.

So Here I AM, sabotaging my diet that I am pretending to be on, not working on my squares which I really want to get done, putting my kids in my bed in front of a show, and I'm gonna drink my third coke for the day, eat a bagel loaded with cream cheese, and call my mommy...

Ahhh....the list. I love lists. They are use full, fun, and very organized. I make tons a day; the to-do list, the shopping list, the financial list, and my favorite the accomplishment list. I try and make an accomplishment list towards the end of the day to make me feel better about myself and how I spend my time. So as I was making new lists I realized that the best way to scratch things off my List of "Things" Bogging Me Down is to further break it down and start somewhere. So today's' list is the unfinished project list...well actually it has be revised and revised and has turned into the craft/sewing portion of the more general unfinished project list. Confused yet? Yeah, I am and this is why things never get done on my farm. So here is the grand-daddy list from which today's list can be found:

THE UNFINISHED PROJECT LIST
(1) get house ready to sell
(2) taxes need to be done and turned in!
(3) new chore charts for family
(4) crafts/sewing box needs to be emptied
(5) deep clean whole of house
*mind you I add to it all the time, so things may change at any moment.

And here is the CRAFT/SEWING portion, in all its glory:
(1) 6-12 month dress for a friend in need
(2) church bags for my girls that were supposed to be Christmas Gifts
(3) Up-cycled Men's shirt Dress for Ansley
(4) Dinosaur mat for girls
(5) the two 1/2 completed scrapbook pages on my desk plus my 3 others for my five of the month
(6) turn in ribbon tip to CKS in hope of publication (in my wildest dream)

I know that is six and I try to keep my lists at five (most important first, then add the others as room opens up) but desperate times call for desperate measures!

So the funniest part about all this is that this list and said posting was supposed to be posted last week when I did it, but as life goes, it went, I got sick and now posting this is on my unfinished project list. So here it is. One thing scratched off and I will report tomorrow on the accomplishments of last week and these lists, cause I did good!

I found this button today while I was peeking at a few of my favorite inspirations. As inspiration goes I am inspired by these ladies and what they are doing for those around them. I am posting this to create inspiration in the lovely people I know. Outside of the items already spoken for, or requested, everything I have left from Lil'peep Clothing will be donated to this cause. To read more please go to Craft Hope for Haiti Esty Shop. To learn more about the ladies behind the scenes and what they do everyday to help others check out their blog Craft Hope. There is such a need and there are so many ways we can help. This is one way I will be helping. I hope that you can find a way to help those in Haiti and or those next door to you. We will never know who is really in need until catastrophe hits -OR- we get outside of our own world and get to know those we live with local and around the world. So please take a few minutes and think of a way your family can help someone else.

Self Observance

So in my quest to better myself and my attitude/mood about life I have been trying to understand what gets me so down. Simple...no.

This past weekend Hans' grandmother passed away. This is a good thing because these last few weeks, and honestly months, have been very hard for her. Her health has been going down hill for a while. Earlier in the year she fell and broke a hip. As statistics go, she did little to improve her walking skills after the surgery and then her mood (which was already on the brink) fell into the pits. For the last year or so she has been confused on a daily bais and often cried because she was embarrassed when she would mix us up. Then two weeks ago she suffered a stroke from which she never recovered. She was conscious from time to time, but her physical condition became so bad that in the end she was surviving on Ensure that we feed to her, as you would a baby bird, with a medicine syringe. It was very hard to do, see, watch and everything else. When the call finally came (almost a week later) it was a relief that her suffering was over and that she had indeed returned to our Father in Heaven where she will be taught and glorified.

The point of all this information is that it made me sit down and really ponder about the "things" that are within my control and the "things" that are not. I started with a list of the "things" that are bogging me down. Here they are in no particular order;

(1) CLUTTER & MESS: I become overwhelmed witht the clutter and mess that is in the house everyday. I can not figure out where to start or what exactly to do.

(2) FINANCES: Money sucks! We need it, we work for it, we spend it, and really it gives us little in return. I want to be debt FREE and while I am working very hard at this goal and have been for at least 6 months now, it is still hard.

(3) GIRLS ATTITUDE: I have three beautiful little girls, all 5 and under, but they are girls. Girls can be sugar but more often they are spice and mine are paprika on steroids. My oldest is at the stage of questioning authority, particularly mine, and had learned that if she says mean things like "I don't like you anymore" the other person becomes sad. With the little ones its just monkey see monkey do.

(4) FEELINGS OF LONELINESS: This last summer was hard for me as my two best friends moved to new states. As much as you can hope and say it won't change things, the reality is, that it does. I have strengthened a few other local friendships in their absence, but it brings the tallie of Out-of-Town best friends to over 6 and that sucks.

(5) TAXES: this is a hate of the season, I HATE TAXES! I hate gathering all the info, see how much we made and wondering where it all went, paying what we owe (we have not received a refund in over 4 years now), all of it. I DON'T LIKE IT!

(6) UNFINISHED PROJECTS: I am the queen of unfinished projects. I get excited about something, start it and then something else happens and I either forget about the old excitement or feel it is not high enough on the priority list. Excuses don't matter but the projects are consuming me.

So there it is the top 6 things that are bogging me down. When I look at this list I come to the realization that almost all six of them are "things" that I have control over, not COMPLETE control, but some at least. And so for the remainder of the month my focus is going to be on this list. I am going to work positively on each of these things and see how much will change.

My first goal is to tackle UNFINISHED PROJECTS. I want them done! Share with me your list so I don't feel alone. Together we will have accountability (a great thing huh) to someone and there's nothing like the power of accountability.

A Project for ME

For the last few years Valentines Day in our house has kinda come and gone. My birthday is shortly before, we are trying to be frugal with our money, and sadly we had a beautiful neice who was born on Feb. 13th 2007 and returned to our Father in Heaven the following day...Valentines. Needless to say, it just has not been the Lovey-Dovey time it used to be before kids and worries and money.

I MISS VALENTINES DAY!

And so for my first project of the year (unfinishd projects from 2009 do not count) I am making a Valentines Advent Calendar with some friends. The point of this calendar is to not only get us excited for Valentines Day but to also give my family the oppertunity to tell eachother how much we love and appriciate one another. Can't you just see the sweet things my 5 year old will write about her younger sisters - well if we start now perhapse when the girls are older they will have developed a good habit.

There will be 14 pockets stitched onto a fabric heart. The first thing you need to know is that this project is inspired from an snazzy lady, Abby at "A Feathered Nest." (http://projectsforyournest.blogspot.com) She made an amazing Christmas Advent Calendar (http://projectsforyournest.blogspot.com/search/label/Christmas%20advent%20calendar) that I fell in love with. I knew that Christmas 09 was out and so I thought 'Hey what about Valentines Day.'

This is how mine will work. Each day we will place a tag that has a family members name on it, onto a clothes-pin which will in turn be attached to the calendar day (pocket) we are on. Example Feb. 1st will be pocket #1 and the tag will have the name Han Solo on it. So on that day each member of our family, other than Han Solo, will write a little love note about Han and place it in that pocket. On Feb. 2nd I will change the name tag on the clothes pin to Ewok the Eldest and move the clothes-pin tag to the second pocket. Everyone will then write a love note to her. This will continue until Valentines Day when we will write a love note about our family as a unit. We have five in our family so this means each Ewok will get 12 love notes and Han Solo and I will get 8 each. There will also be 5 love notes about our family. We have a Valentines Dinner as a family (fancy clothes, sparkling cider and the works) on Valentines and that is when we will take out all our little love notes and read out loud as a family to each person. Our Ewoks are still learning to read and write and so this will be less personable than it would be if each person reads his/her notes to the family member they are speaking about.

Ahh, here come the questions.

'How will you know who wrote what about who?' Well, I thought about that and came up with this solution. Each member of our family will have a pen of a particular color and paper of that same color. This way we know that the pink paper with the blue writting on it is a note from Han Solo to his eldest Ewok. The easier version is to just write 'to' and 'from' on one side of the paper and the note on the other (I have a particular knack for making life more complicated than it needs, to be becuase I love color and organization- such a complicated fetish).

And so there it is. This year for Valentines day there will be a beautiful cake, good food, sparkling cider, and 57 little love notes collected from a handmade advent calendar. That sounds Lovey-Dovey and excellent!

I am excited and THAT is acomplishment #2 for 2010!

I guess I should not count all my Ewoks before I land on Endor and so I will periodically be posting the progress and hopefully instructions so you can get excited and creative too!

I am happy to report that TONIGHT has been about ME...or I should say I MADE it become FOR ME!

This night was supposed to take place last night as Han had no church meetings or activities that needed to be attended, yet we will shortly be saying goodbye to a dear grandmother and so took the opportunity to take the girls to see her one last time. And yet, undeterred in my quest I vowed to myself that I would take time for myself tonight, meetings and all.

When Han arrived home from work I told him that I would need to go out for a bit to price out a project that I soon will be attempting (details in a later post). I let him have his downtime; aka shower, and began to prep for dinner. With all but the cheese cut, I told him I was headed out and he would get some time with the girls (nice cover huh!). Challenge One for this week accomplished - I GOT SOME DOWN TIME. I headed over to a favorite craft store, did a little browsing & price checking then traveled up the road a bit to JITB for a cheeseburger, some curly fries, and a coke (all of which I will work off tomorrow). I then filled the car with gas while I ate my juicy cheeseburger and listened to music that did not belong to the girls. Then I headed home. All in all, a great 40 minute date with myself.

I came home to referee the dinner chores, brush teeth, and threaten death upon all Ewoks who refused to put their pajamas on. Han headed out the door for meetings and I put a Living Scriptures DVD in for the eldest Ewoks and read 2 books to the youngest. After the books and two songs the baby Ewok was asleep in her bed, the DVD was over and it was time for battle. I was prepared and yet the other two went down rather well; once separated, given a drink of water, an extra kiss, and a book each.

And so the second half of my evening for me began. I headed straight to the garage (my haven and home away from home), put on my own favorite DVD, "Pride & Prejudice" (2005 version, sorry but it's the best), and began to scrap a few pictures long overdue. When Han got home from his meetings he made me a delicious cup of caramel hot coco, chatted for a bit and then the rest of the night has been mine. And so now at 12:44am on Friday morning I am recording this achievement while my "&" chipboard dries and Mr. Darcy comes walking up the foggy hill at sunrise to proclaim his unquenchable love for Miss Elizabeth for the second time tonight. Ahhh, lets pause as I stare riveted at the most romantic moment ever caught on film.........

And with that I say, congrats to ME and good morning to you.

THOUGHTS

Okay, so you know how guys have their moments of enlightenment while sitting on the toilet (this fact still bewilders me), well, I have mine while in the shower, attempting to let all the worries of the day rush off me and drain away into the sewer where they belong. And so, this morning, being a Saturday, I took the early shift with the girls to allow my Han some sleep. After he emerged I took Chewy upstairs to for an early nap, went into my room and....turned on my workout video, restarting day one of a six-week program for the uhmmm possibly thirtieth time. After 25 minutes of delight, I turned off the tv, turned on the shower, and....sorted the sorid laundry while the water got warm. Okay, so I am finally in the shower and cleansing and thinking...yes, women do think! My thoughts first raveled to the night before, when Han and I went to an 80's party. I went as Madonna from the "Lucky Star" / "Desperately Seeking Susan" era (it was the only outfit of the icon that I could appropriately where and still maintain my standards-sorry Madonna love your music, but you are a hard lady to dress up as), Han went as Thomas Magnum from "Magnum PI." It was an absolute hoot! I have not had that much fun in a long time. And as I am thinking that thought I think, 'yeah it has probably been a least a year since I have had that much fun and felt excited for something.' Well, that reminded me of a moment that happened just...well...10 days ago when Han was giving me his famous bear hug and I was saying

"...I just can't wait for this year to be over. This has not been my favorite year!"

He looked at me and said (just a note here; when reading this blog assume all abouts and other such 'ou' words to be spoken by Han, truly Canadian, it will make you journey here more authentic, and make me laugh)

"You have said that about the last three years."

Then he let go an walked away. Ouch! That kinda hurt and yet it was true. I have been going through a rough spot in my life. To keep from detouring, I will touch on the "rough spot" in detail, as always, in a separate posting.

From here I thought, I'm gonna figure out why I had so much fun last night. Here are my results:
(1) I spent the day thinking about how I would look and how much fun it would be for others to see me this way.
(2) I called a friend and asked for help, (wow, is that a hard thing for a woman to do or what!) she came and turned my face into the exact look I was going for and it was fun having her do this for me! FUN; fun having a friend come help me out.
(3) I was with my Hans, and a great group of friends, we had good food, play great games, took Polaroid pictures, and just enjoyed each others company.
(4) It was a break from the everyday and the children.
(5) My father-in-law did my counter full of dishes! (Now I love this man to death, but I am sure part of the reason this was done was because I specifically told him not to allow his wife to do it and so he just had to do it to spite me -like father like son, they live to torment me)

So I had fun! As I continued my train of thought to how can I do this more often, not dress up as Madonna, but have more fun, it took me to when my friend was turning me into Madonna, and asked, why did I not use makeup more often and 'fancy up' as I call it. She asked if it is just because of time. Well, yes and no. Time is a thing lacking in this household but, lately it is motivation and desire that is lacking still more. I have been putting everybody else before me. This was my big awakening. Did you miss it? Here it is again:

I HAVE BEEN PUTTING EVERYBODY ELSE BEFORE ME!

(Thank you Lisa. I know you came over to just do my makeup but you have helped me more than you can know by asking that single question. THANK YOU!)

Now this might be ground breaking news to you, I mean this is what a wife and mother do. This is part of our description... right? I believe, Yes, to a point. The problem is that I took that point to an extreme (I am not known for extremes -for those that do not know me that was complete bull and spoken with the thickest level of sarcasm that I can dream up). I have allowed myself to believe that I am doing the right thing because I am supposed to do for others and yet I have gotten to point where just this summer my five year old Ewok came to me, over in the corner of my kitchen SITTING on the floor with MY head in MY knees and MY arms wrapped around MY knees, and said "Mommy, don't cry today, I still love you. We can have a good day, I trust you Mommy, I'll be good". Now when she says "I trust you Mommy" she is really saying 'I promise,' (she IS only five and I say I trust you to her when she asks if she is big enough now to try something new or receive new privileges in the house) but, thinking back this has been the darkest moment of my life. I, that grown lady of almost thirty, was crumpled on the floor bawling like a baby and my FIVE year old came to comfort Me. There is something really wrong about this moment and I never want to be there again!

So THIS is where I have been this year. After cringing in the shower while this memory passed through my mind I was brought to a word I created in response to a blog posting (ahh the age we live in, huh!) of a lady who I admire and whom inspires me. She has been doing this thing where she picks a word to use as the focus of her year. she challenged others to do the same. I have never taken up this challenge but this year, in my quest for change thought this might be a good starting point. So my word was CREATE. I have a whole posting dedicated to this word which will be posted this week. But you have to read this first to understand where I am going this year.

So, CREATE. This is where my thoughts are. And I think you know what, I CAN NOT CREATE ANYTHING RIGHT NOW OTHER THAN misery, torment, anguish, sadness...can I just stop here, you do not need to know everything but do need to understand why my thoughts are where they are. So they are here, back into this unmotivated depressed mind thought that has been plaguing me for sometime. And then it hits me, well actually it slowly crept into the beautiful part of my mind that has been sitting around dusty for the past few months, I NEED TO CHANGE MY WORD TO ME. There it is the second half of my ground breaking news...

I NEED TO CHANGE MY WORD TO ME!

I can not create love, joy and harmony, with a broken down, tired, dirty, mom. I HAVE TO CHANGE ME FIRST. And so Ali Edwards, I am changing my word from CREATE to ME.

THIS IS GOING TO BE THE YEAR OF ME!

I am crying right now, just so you all know.

THIS IS GOING TO BE THE YEAR OF ME!

Many other things will be created, accomplished, restared, achieved, and failed, but this year I will put myself first much, much, MUCH, more often and I am dedicating this blog (which was going to be my new blog for Ordinary Creativity, which you will read about later, if you ever venture her to read again) to Me and the year 2010, where I will recreate me. I will post as little as three times a week and each posting will be dedicated to something about my journey. Come back and read if you like, follow links if you so desire, try out my experiments on yourself if you need them done to. This blog will not be about you and I will not care if you read or do not read (WOW, that was hard but kinda feels good!). What I want is to have a way to feel accountable for my progress. If I am lucky enough to inspire someone else who is sitting on their kitchen floor then I would be happy to hear from you and we can help each other, but I am not going to rest my thoughts of joy on who does and who does not read this. This has just become MY tool for happiness. There will be many changes throughout the year I'm sure. I would love suggestions and/or stories of how you have done any of the things I will try. The other thing I don't want is for friends, locally and afar, to feel bad for me. I believe that I have had these rough times for a reason and no one is responsible for them. So join me if you wish, or not, but I am going to dedicate this year to putting ME FIRST so that I can CREATE all the wonders I want to for my family.